|Blogs > rm_tennismaiden > little nuisances|
New year..New You...New Us...
New year..New You...New Us...
Yes it is true...the "Tennismaiden" was solo for this uneventful holiday of welcoming in the Year. I gave myself a pedicure, did something wild and shaved my cute "mound of love" to almost nothing except a landing strip and drank a Mandarin cosmo while hailing in the stroke of midnight.
While the rest of you are still slumbering snuggly in your beds this morning, I'm blogging. Last night I spun thoughts and reflected to all those disapointing usherings of "great expectations" from years gone by as the bell tolled midnight. Watching (last night) as Dick Clark desperatly tried to form words with facial muscles paralized by his stroke from 2004.
How symbolic....so many struggles from our past seem to whiz in an instant replay from our memories with every New Years Eve, even legendary Dick Clark. We pause, exhale, and wonder what the future will bring this 2006?
Last year I was with my then BF that I met here on AdultFriendFinder, It was one of the best moments of my life, not the festivites...they were..uh....so so. The promise that I had met my soulmate was in the air. Greg was not my typical attraction, same height, long hair, brearded,had a distinct feminine side. His humor was wicked, sensitivity deep and eyes that sparkled each time he gazed upon my face. I had never been with a better lover. He had done tantric training and was completely devoted to loving me as I him.
But as life becomes complicated, realtionships settle in, I became dispensible due to children, finding permanent work and attending to massage clients to make ends meet. When the clock ticked to that magic second last night I wondered where he was? If he thought of or missed me,and a tear welled from my eyes, cascading over my smooth cheek before landing softly on my neck.
Now bare with me as I try and segue into what all this means.
Adjoining in human relations there is commitment on a more profound level when we reach mid age. We strive for more compassion, communication and intimacy that fills every insecurity and void still left as a gaping hole within our psyche. If that one in a million connection occurs to our "soulmate" it's with the hope that each of us instinctually comprehends each others needs for healing the wounds of the past. None of us is scar free....not even the most practiced zen master(well maybe)!
Equanimity in spirit, being impartial to our beloved, looking down upon them and reaching in with our body and soul to soothe, calm and reassure that ugly beast....suffering. Embracing this wisdom is a rare gift to those who use their powers wisely. (I'm shaking as I type and feel more tears about to slither out my ducts).
A recent friend (whom I adore) constantly asks why I'm so insecure?....I mask this to most, try to stay focused, positive, disciplined, confident. But there is a little girl inside asking to be treasured. Singled out, not compared or even privy to all those who came before me. There is an unspoken rule....Never speak about lost loves unless the longing for them is absent and gone. No person ever wants to play second fiddle to anyone from his/her past. Remember "love the one your with"?
This friend knew from the start I was a "high maintenance" woman. Not financially... but emotionally speaking. I'm the sappy sensitive loving type that cries at TV commercials and when my kids do something unexpected that makes me proud. I require patience, understanding, and nurturing...not minute by minute. But at appropriate timely moments when I get quiet or confused.
Put your sensory caps on people....plug into the vibe your mate is emmitting and take charge in reducing static unproductive energy. This is a powerful healing tool that provides the ultimate comfort to those who need a little guardian angel. Offer words that provide love, wrap strong arms around that protect and reassure that you care. Simple enough!
Yeah....I went off on a tangent this morning....nothing makes sense some days. Being alone ushering in the new year kind of did. My intentions were to pay tribute to Greg, I still hold a sacred place for him, though he is gone, he will never be forgotten.
Our journeys never ending, and wishes eternal, for peace, joy and love.
May 2006 leave an open door for unimaginable possibilites.....Happy New Year!
1/1/2006 8:57 am
Happy New Year!|
1/1/2006 9:52 am
I have an aching in my heart as your blog has struck a chord in me too. I too was alone for the new year and wondered where "Lori" was then. I broke it off with her because of her abusive bother. He would berate their 86 year old grandmom and I'm old fashioned enough to not tolerate the abuse. She too had eyes that sparkled but, If she wanted to allow the abuse to continue I didn't have to watch. I believe that it's just a random series of choices and one day they will add up to the numbers we are all looking for in life. We just have to keep trying and things will work themselves out. Have a great day and a better year.|
1/1/2006 12:18 pm
Judging from the restaurant at which we dined, EMPTY by 11PM, and never full all night, a lot of people would rather ring in a quiet New Year's at home.|
I feel a bit like Elaine taking about the "Lobster Bisque" being the "best part" of a date, but for me the best parts of the evening were ...
1) Seeing my wife happy and smiling and laughing; and looking lovely as ever, lighting up the room. Any "Raymond" fans here? Remember Debra telling Raymond after he's bushed having bathed the kids and put them to bed, "OK, that's two million to TWO!" Well I feel rather that way. But I'm now up to four -- adding "Cracking Lobster Claws" to that vanishingly short list of things I do for my wife in return for all she does for me!
2) Helping out the three couples at the big table in the center of the room by photographing the six of them with each of their 4 digital cameras. Next thing you know the server brings us another Cabernet (her 2nd) and a Martini (my 2nd) after a Chardonnay. I thought it a very generous gesture on their part; it took all of 45 seconds for me to zoom & "say CHEESEBURGER!" & snap 4 pics. But I took the wheel with some trepidation with the borderline black-ice conditions.
3) The WQXR "Classical Countdown" was on about 11:10PM as we drove home. I listened, and within 5 seconds (or 4 descending muted trumpet notes) it was unmistakeable -- Mahler! But which one? At that hour it must have been the #2 or #3 -- for years the top 10 was dominated by Beethoven Symphonies & Concerti. I went with the 9th. But .. how could that be so high on the countdown?
I asked my wife "Componeret?" [sic], a little game we play when she reaches for the volume on the car radio (invariably to turn it ALL the way down or shut it off). If I'm LISTENING to something, I make her first name the composer before I let her grab the knob and snuff out the music.
She's gotten quite good at playng it. Her desire for silence is such a strong motivation! Her first guess -- "Prokofiev?" Not a bad guess at all. "Stravinsky?" Another good guess - both within a few decades of Mahler. My heart swells with pride when she's within 30 years! I mean if she said "Vivaldi" she obviously wasn't even listening, or trying.
Then I heard the "Songs of a Wafarer" theme and I realized it was unequivocably the Mahler First Symphony, nicknamed "Titan". I had turned it on during the segue from the third movement to the finale, the music rather non-descript at that point. Could have been any of the nine-and-a-tenth that he wrote. But the SOUND, the orchestration, the timbre, the intervals --- unmistakable -- Mahler!
Then she went down the wrong road. "Shubert?" "Schumann?" "OK give me the first letter of the last name."
HMMM that is usually TOO good a clue, but I offered her "Turn of the Century Vienna".
"BABY -- turn of the 20th Century!" Hell after 3 drinks I'll cut her some slack. "OK, it's 'M'" ...
My "M" was still reverberating in the back seat when she blurted out "OH, MAHLER!"
As I said, she's getting quite good at playing "Componeret!"
My turn for a tears to well up
Funny, and a bit sad, the things childless forty-somethings come up with to fill our lives.
1/1/2006 12:26 pm
There are worse things than being alone New Years Eve, and those "Mandrin" cosmos work wonders for a troubled heart. Sic transit &c., and welcome the New Year!|
"Nature always favors the hidden fault. "- (Murphy's Third Law)
1/1/2006 8:44 pm
Sorry to hear that you were alone for new years eve and sad. But the way it see it , you have to put Greg in your past and look towards you future. What is it what you are looking for? Your by know means ugly looking and can"t see any guy not wanting to talk to you or ask you out on a date. What do you mean by " high maintance '? Maybe what you are looking for is not out there. You do know that opposites do attract and maybe you have to take a chance again at love . It doesn"t come over nite.
would like to chat more with you , if you want .
1/3/2006 6:15 am
Belated New Year's wishes Tennis.|
Hope 2006 has plenty of pleasant surprises for you