Just when you think it was safe to enter the water.....  

rm_tennismaiden 59F
2103 posts
8/21/2006 6:22 am

Last Read:
2/19/2008 2:33 pm

Just when you think it was safe to enter the water.....

....You receive an email from the ex's new wife. I'm sure none of you know the whole history behind my divorce but I can tell you it was ugly. There was the paramour that got her hooks into a weak and vulnerable man, she had laid the plan years before going then went in for the kill. The paramour had repeated behavior and done so with her prior boss and husband, only after a year with that man she begun scoping out a new victim, she wanted to have children and needed a willing donor. Her present husband was too old and had grown children of his own and refused to give in to her. So.....she preyed upon her next likely donor....my ex.

There was a long war, I was humiliated countless times and had to move away from my town due to the shame I felt being too close in vicinity to them. My child had to begin in a new school system even though he only had three years of high school left.

I was cheated out of child support for one, and received reduced support for the other two. The one child had lived between our homes and that support was completely withheld without having been adjusted through the courts. At one point the middle son came to live with me for over a year 5 out of the 7 days and still nothing to help fray the costs.

My decree stated I was to contribute 30% towards the children's education, pay for health insurance for them and this was all due to my ex being demoted from his wall street firm information systems Carreer. My ex entered that company making more in 1996 then he reports today despite reaching almost half a million in total compensation upon the time of our separation. the company has been reporting record earnings and profits over these last years. Somethings fishy going on.....income deferment?

I'm not asking for more than I get, I live a good life on what I receive, my quest was to always look out for the welfare of my children. They were grossly neglected during our marriage separation and divorce. They were used as a pawn they were given minimal attention, finances and opportunities from a man that made more than enough to permit for their college education. He washed his hands of our boys when he claimed to have fallen in love with his conniving direct report turned paramour.

I have been fighting this battle long enough and for the sake of me and my children wish to walk away with some modicum of self respect. I was the victim here but chose to rise above or protect what was rightfully mine. A pension of financial stability for 25 years of loyal loving devotion given completely unconditionally but taken advantage and abused for many years.

This email is more of the same mentality behind that camp, it is more greed, no accountability and selfishness for the lives they wish to pursue without any consideration for having to uphold the consequences of those actions. There were and are children here, boys that need their father, his love, his guidance and his belief that they too can make something of themselves with hard work and determination.

My boys only see that their father abandoned them, he fed them to the wolves and left them to struggle without understanding why they were the casualty of our divorce. They didn't matter to him or his new wife, and this email sent this morning bares witness of the hell my children and I have had to endure.....nothing ever changes it only gets worse....

My email to my boys father:

Dear Ex husband,

It is with regret that I write this email. I have wanted to inform you for months now that son #3 has been slipping into some very destructive behaviors and not maturing as he should.

There is little hope that he will graduate High School, he has failed 4 or more courses and recently quit his job claiming he has another lined up out on LBI. He smokes pot daily with his buddies, relegates himself to the basement and jams playing music and hanging out.

There have been times money has been missing from my wallet and at this point I'm very concerned about his future. I will be turning him over to you come September with the hope you can straighten him out and steer him towards maturation and success. I am done with him. I've tried and not able to baby-sit an 18 year old anymore.

On the first of September I will be stopping his car insurance so that you can pick it up. He will pack his stuff and move in with you (if you still agree) I told him he needs to speak with you and come up with a plan on how to finish and get his high school degree. I will not pay for summer school again and besides there will be too many credits for him to make up and summer school only permits 2 classes for credit.

I am very disappointed that this has occurred and really believed he would step up to the plate but I cannot (with all that is on my plate) hold his hand any longer. I am selling my home come September, working almost full time and going back to school. I do not have time anymore to be indulging a child that refuses to take accountability for his life and future.

Please contact him and begin the process of getting him registered for school come September. He needs some direction and I'm hoping you will have better luck than I did.


This is wife #2.

I will not allow son #3 to move into my home. I have two of your sons and one of their dogs already. I suggest you make provisions for son#3 to stay with you and your new boyfriend (who does not have any children) or convince son #3 to join the Army. I am sure because you are in another new relationship you want to hide this issue from your boyfriend so that he stays with you longer. I am sure he has never dealt with children or their issues. I have a problem taking a third son, which as you stated below has many issues, which you did not correct even though you did not have a job and could focus all your attention on him. Neither I nor EX husband has the luxury of quitting work when we run into an issue as we support you, ourselves and the boys. You have called the shots since you had control of son#3 at 13 yrs of age and now you need to correct your mistakes. I am not correcting them for you.

To start with, Ex disagreed about son#3 being placed on medication. You went against that decision and put him on it anyway (there were other medications for his condition that were less addictive). When son #3 was 16 and doing very poorly in school you disagreed with EX about placing him in military school and babied the issue. EX asked that son be held back and do an additional year in school but you made the decision that he would not. You stopped his music lessons because you did not want to pay for the lessons out of the money EX gives to you for son #3. You allow son #3 to grow Pot in the yard and smoke it daily. Son was drinking Saturday night and set a pit fire at the house in Barnegat and put gasoline in the fire. The flames reached up to the second floor. Then, he missed work the next day. So son#3 is on medication, alcohol and pot, all of this as you have watched on and let it happen. This is great parenting while you are off with your boyfriend and not working. You have created this mess and you can choose to fix it or push if off on someone else, but it will not be me.

I have worked 20 yrs and unlike you I have bought this house and its contents with money I have earned, not money I was given. No one is going to destroy it. Not you and not son. I make the decisions about who lives here and who does not. You are off every day at the gym. This is all you have to be concerned with. The boys have been in school or working full time in the last 14 yrs and you have not worked. Ex works 60 hour work weeks and on top of that receives calls at home from Australia, Japan or London to fix their issues. I work 45 hours per week minimum and I am 4 months pregnant and deemed high risk. You make me laugh when I hear I am taking all of EX's money. You do a great job at that. You have it perfected over the last 24 yrs. There is nothing left for me to take when you are done. Unlike you, I am with EX because I totally love this unselfish man. I support myself and I am only here for one reason, and it is not money. He gives you $6,200 of his pay check each month leaving him $800 a month. His bonus "take home" was $36,000, which gives him $3,000 a month. So monthly he has $3,800 to show for his hard work while you get $6,200. This is what he has to show for all his hard work while you are off at the gym. You never wanted to work or have a career. You were too lazy, even when the boys went to school full time and you had a cleaner for the last 22 yrs.

It is now August and Ex's money, as usual, has run out and I will be supporting him until January. I have already loaned son #1 $600 and he will need another $400 until he gets paid in two weeks. We have charged $600 for his clothing for work. Ex paid for son #3's Summer school even thought you get $700 a month for him. Ex will not be paying Son #3's car insurance because he would have to borrow it from me and I will not give it for this reason. He pays son #2's car insurance already ($4,200 a yr) and that is enough. The fact that you are talking once again about getting a full time job and going back to school must mean you are ready to bring EX back to court to milk him for more money. We have heard this each time you are ready to go to court, to show the court that "poor you" is trying to get it together so you need more money in the meantime.

You can ride off into the sunset to Point Pleasant with your new boyfriend but son #3 is not staying here. I expect to be receiving one of your typical tirades. I will not be responding to your comments which are full of lack of reality about yourself. This is my final decision.

Wife #2

Reality? I think not.....They just purchased two brand new vehicles, they have gone on 6 or 7 vacations around the world, they have never invited my children on any vacation or special occasion except when they married for the purposes of appearances. They have not called my boys school spoke with any counselors taken any action whatsoever to amicably help these these boys find success and happiness. My children are bitter.....and though it's no excuse for their inactions or entitlement they are lost and frightened. For good reason, they see the cold harsh reality that their father whom they trusted and loved could wage a full on war towards their mother and a women who spent her whole life trying to please her family.

nothing is ever enough or right in past life.....here in lies the aftermath of war. It brings tears convulsions and vomit. Is it any wonder that I suffered from anxiety/panic disorder, insomnia or depression....but what's worse is son #1 and son#3 also suffer from the same affliction. Only perpetuated and exacerbated by a father who is ignorant and lacks moral character.

I feel such pity....and sadness this morning.

free2chose2 66F

8/21/2006 7:39 am

Hmmmmmmm, wife #2 knew before the marriage his obligations, which as a parent are endless/eternal. I think you should round it off to 7G's per month. Not to be vindictive, I hardly received child support with the ducking and dodging but if he's got it and the courts approve it,-Get it!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't worry, be Happy

nedthebundler 56M/59F

8/21/2006 8:49 am

Would be nice if EX woke up and smelled the coffee... As for the boys, I hope they mature enough to see what has transpired objectively, and make a choice based on that. I believe younger children in divorce cases become angry because they believe that they are somehow responsible, and will resort to bad behaviours to force the parents to act. Sometimes these behaviours will lead to a lifelong path of self-destruction, sometimes they recover and do just fine. Sometimes...all you can do as a parent is point them in the right direction, and hope they follow it.

I remember a quote that pretty much sums it up for me. "If you pick someone up every time they fall down, pretty soon they learn to fall down a lot."

The way I see this situation is that you are finally willing to let them fall down and stay there until they decide to pick themselves up. Wife #2 thinks it's the Mother's job, and she isn't the Mother of your boys, and EX belives it's the wife's job to take care of it because he's too busy making a living.

Then again, I could be completely wrong...

Madness takes its toll. Exact change please!

Perchance2000 57M

8/21/2006 10:30 am

Quite tricky, and of course emotionally charged to the extreme.

I second free2chose and nedthebundler - you've done enough, and it's time for others to step up to the plate - and that (tough and insensitive as it may sound) includes Boy #3.

The difference of course is - if he falls (indeed, it probably should be "when", as fall unfortunately he may have to) and then needs support, you will be there, without any doubt and unconditionally. He may not know that, and you better not make him rely on it (see nedthebundler's quote).

I wish we could talk . . .

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