|Blogs > rm_tennismaiden > little nuisances|
I am my fathers daughter
I am my fathers daughter
I have been having reparte with "Hoursofhardcock" (which every time I write this handle I begin to smile) The name itself insignificant and a bit unfitting to the master domain or Yoda of womans wants and desires. The man just knows....everything about relationships and possibly women.
He mentions a point in an answer..defending my honor. Honor....integrity....our collective personna's...chivelrous act most woman crave but seldom ever get. I know....it's damn old fashioned and antiquated for some.
As my fathers daughter I remember my Dad defending my honor....not in anyway specific but always protecting me, knowing I came from his flesh and being so fucking proud I did.
My dad was a quirky guy, nothing the man couldn't do and one of the few men of his day to get a college degree being born into a huge Polish family. He was a carpenter, pharmacist, fisherman, dabbler extrodinaire.
The many weekends of freshly cut wood from the table saw was always lingering in the air,the garage had the boat, evinrude was propped in some huge garbage can,cover parked somewhere near and parts scattered all about the workbench.
My father was a miser and refused to pay someone to do something he could do himself. There were car trips to TWO GUYS, Korvettes, Sears and he toted me along on every scavenger hunt we would go. I couldn't do any wrong in my fathers eyes. I was his faithful companion and last of
the hopefuls to mow the grass each week.
There were times when removing roofing or dredging the septic,painting or setting up the lakehouse were more pressing then running off
to a girlfriends house to skip or play Barbies. I did it all...how many times I sweared at the old badger for making my life a living hell while I was a teenager, no child or girl ever had to do the chores that were asked of me.
My dad rarely showed emotion, whos father did? Except he had this laugh that began with a burst...almost startling gut chuckle that today (
I'll be damned)I mimic to a tee! I was an unconditional mistake of my parents doing but never once felt that I wasn't more precious then the best financial investment he made with the little income he earned.
The most memorable moment came when I performed my college graduation recital, I was a vocal major at a music school in NYC. After the Schubert, Rossini, and numerous classical requirments to complete my program I did an encore of "over the rainbow" from oz. AS soon as my mouth let out a few lines enabling the audience to recognize the selection,I heard in the distance a outcry from my father, I kept my composure and continued turning to catch a glimpse of him wiping the tears from his cheeks.I thought....How remarkable and proud to be his daughter that day.
When I lost my dad a number of years ago my marriage was crumbling, the juxtaposition of unconditional love from a man that adored me to the other man who despised me. I thought I married a man like my father...how stupid are we
as woman to hope our spouse would protect us and honor our integrity as our fathers did. Had my father been alive to have seen what became of my marriage it would have killed him. He intrusted another with my care, to nurture, protect, water my seeds of love....all of which was just a facade....
Today I feel my fathers presence...sometimes
I'm in the shower and doing a bit of exploration I almost flip thinking he really can still see me...OMG!!! But get over it (you know that Freudian thing again) I do hope he is proud of me....for I am my fathers daughter and damn like him in every way.
Is it too much to expect our intimate partners who we give exclusively our beings to protect us, understand our vulnerabilities and make damn skippy those dark and forboding insecurities are laid to rest?
I would so appreciate any insight on this matter and welcome your thoughts....
11/24/2005 6:09 pm
"Is it too much to expect our intimate partners who we give exclusively our beings to protect us, understand our vulnerabilities and make damn skippy those dark and forboding insecurities are laid to rest? "
It might be too much to expect.
But even knowing that I somehow blindly plod on with a continuing faith that some day this will be found. The source of this faith is what continues to be quite thoroughly baffling to me.
As I too suffer from this seemingly common disease of wanting that, hoping for it and from having experienced/suffered the near complete shattering, destruction and eventual rebuilding of my self esteem that results when you thought you might have found it but were essentially wrong.
I can't say I didn't do a lot necessary "growing up" in the few rounds that process I've done but it definitely did not cure me from now stubbornly continuing my search for such a highly idealized goal of this nature.
How complex each of us are, male or female. To have that level of intuitive sense you speak of then combined with the equivalent of that oh so rare type of uncondional love that a parent innately has for a child borne of their own loins.
It really is asking for the materialization of the impossible dream.
And yet the dream goes on despite all signs and feelings that seem to tell you that it just ain't gonna happen.
Some part of me not so connected to my "thinking brain" must know something that the rest of me don't. Otherwise I can't see why I'd still continue the endless search.
Clear as mud? Well, I gave it my best effort.
11/25/2005 12:50 am
Hi,I've started writing a post which will explain more about me when you read into it and will answer some of your questions from your most recent post.|
I understand and have a great deal of respect for your father even though I nevr had the pleasure of knowing him personally I know the kind of man he was. I too,had a great father and because of something so profound he said to me when I was four years old gave me a positive foundation for life & learning and has made me what I am today. His immortal words to me were son,you will never fail at anything unless you stop trying or if you don't take positive constructive action. Because of his words I have accomplished every goal I ever set in life with one exception,finding the woman that is perfect for me but I know that will happen.
Well this isn't about me and I'm sorry I got off in the wrong direction.It's just that when I think of that man my heart swells with pride.
Let's get back to you. If a man doesn't honor,respect,nuture and defend you then he isn't a man in my opinion and in some areas of life my opinion is the only one I give a damn about, especially when it comes to defending precious beings like yourself from any form of harm physical or emotional! I've always believed you must stand up for what you believe in and not be a wuss about anything. I open doors for ladies,clean up after myself,take out the trash without being told,hell,I even put the toilet seat down out of courtesy and respect for you. This is all just a small part of being a man. Damn, it sounds as if I'm blowing my own horn and that certainly isn't my intention. I'm very tired right now so I'm going to get some sleep and stay focussed on answering you further in the morning.
Good Night and have sweet dreams!
11/25/2005 3:00 am
As frightening as the thought of it is, we're all individuals, discrete souls forever except for the bits and bytes we share through the limited bandwidth of our senses. Strength, understanding, security all come from within, not without, and the best we can hope for is that the interaction with other souls will give us the raw material and tools we need to become "whole".|
Nice essay, Tennis, very appropriate for Thanksgiving; when did you find the time? I had similar thoughts yesterday, visiting members of my "extended" family who I hadn't seen in years. My father's "avatar", sitting at the table. It was interesing and a bit disquieting (in a good way!) to see "how it turned out", so to speak.
"Nature always favors the hidden fault. "- (Murphy's Third Law)
11/25/2005 6:39 am
Very nice post Tennis!|
I think your question ("Is it too much to expect our intimate partners who we give exclusively our beings to protect us, understand our vulnerabilities and make damn skippy those dark and forboding insecurities are laid to rest?") can have many answers depending on the person's involved. As the 3 previous posters have so rightly stated in their own way, we are individuals. We can expect a "partner" to protect, understand, etc., but they have expectations of their own. But, unless a relationship is 50/50, one's priorities slip in favor of the other's. And I think, having a pure 50/50 relationship is difficult to achieve. One or the other partner usually ends up as the dominant person; some all the time, others as situations warrant (one being more dominant than the other for bills, other for shopping, kids, etc). The perceptions and feelings of the less dominant person maybe trampled by the partner, if they do not stand up for their rights and feelings. Parents, on the other hand, usually give their feelings of love and caring to their children unconditionally (there are the horror story parents, of course). There is always competition between siblings for a parents affections; and parents may vie between each other for a childs feelings; all unknowing or unacknowledged to themselves. But the sense of love and comfort are there and sensed by the child/children. We, as children, always think of our parents as "the parents", and that they will always be around to watch over us (even in the shower ). That role is sometimes reversed (difficultly) when a child has to care for a parent.
I'm probably blathering, so I guess I'll end here...lol.
Hope it was of some insight or help.
Thanks again for the blog and post.
11/25/2005 7:27 pm
My blog told me it wants to be like yours when it grows up.|
11/26/2005 3:21 pm
Rent "Look at Me". French film from last year. Trust me on this one. Having read about your recital ... you will find it very moving.|
5/7/2008 6:01 pm
Wow, so this post is still around!|
And it gets top billing on your list of lists!
And after over two years here do I feel any closer at all to finding the sort of thing dicussed in this post?
Not in the slightest.
But am I still stubbornly pusuing it!
I hope your search has been fruitful in some way! Even if mine never is at least I stayed true to my heart and my highest ideals. Just chisel a stubborn jackass on my tombstone. It might actually be appropriate!
insert exploding bomb image here