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Getting back in the game
Getting back in the game
I've been absent from blog land due to some unforeseen obstacles. I apologize to all those dear bloggy friends I haven't responded to in a while. Please know that when I have the inclination and feel less weary I will comment and respond to your genuine supportive and loving thoughts!
Much has been asked of me lately (without actually being verbalized) and I've done it willingly and graciously with the hope my actions would be honorable, provide comfort and remain loyal.There comes a juncture where you question is there light at the end of the tunnel and how much realistically can anyone endure?
The patience game has been a real test of my character, I'm torn between doing whats right for the people I love and whats right for me. My children push me to a point where I've taken to voicing my thoughts loudly almost irately, leaving many regrets for the harsh approach I take to standing my ground.
I remember in therapy working on this limited unfamiliar concept and I was clueless about the options with regards to my life and the direction it should take.I felt that as long as there were smooth transitions I could withstand the many heartaches I had to stuff deep within my soul. I had learned from that being the peacemaker was not necessarily a comfortable or desirable spot to place oneself and rarely if ever produced inner tranquility.
I "went with the flow" and kept things moving much to the detriment of my own integrity and success. Where I was and where I am now, opposite ends of the spectrum. I can see these crossroads of choices coming now and tune into my body when they feel uncomfortable. This isn't pleasant I've found, my stomach does flips and the nerves pulsate through out me screaming of anxiety and pure unrest. NO difficult choices are gonna feel good, they make me sick and angry for having to make them.
Realizing that we are often "afterthoughts" in other people's lives is a humbling experience, and at some point you begin to ask why you have placed yourself in that dilemma to begin with.
If you are married you wonder if this connection is not just an illusion. The children you bore are so into their "Id" your reflection hardly noticeable in the genes that bare your resemblance for having grown them in your womb.
So here it is.....you've just been presented with a road block clearly an obstacle, do you sit and wait till the restless emotions churning inside subside before making a decision or do you decide to get back in the game and cut your losses?
Holding on was never more difficult when you're torn between doing the honorable thing and waiting for change to occur. If the change doesn't occur you wonder if this is a life you can tolerate or accept, weighing the plus' and minus' and hoping for some "happy ending". Or do you jump ship surmising that this roadblock will never resolve itself in a manner to which you can accept?
Why can life go along for a while appearing to be promising and the next minute filled with doom and little compromise?
"FOUL BALL" *whistle* "Ref....substitute, Tennismaiden is going in the game as a forward" "Go get em Tennismaiden go for the goal and score one for the team"
In this game, Tennismaiden is the entire team and she's not willing to accept defeat without a fight to win!
5/21/2006 8:41 am