Frozen Moments in Time  

rm_tennismaiden 59F
2103 posts
5/16/2006 5:55 am

Last Read:
5/22/2006 9:07 pm

Frozen Moments in Time

Frequently we do check in's with our selves to see how we're progressing, if all is ok with our emotions health and success and relationships.

There are those many epiphanies when we least expect them warming the cockles of our hearts and then there are those dark clouds that seem to follow us around looming when you've looked over your shoulder.

You know those times that are frozen when you might look at the clear blue brilliant sunny sky with puffs of billowy clouds. The air is so clean after a good rain and you stand still to admire how wondrous that particular moment is to be alive.

Then there is the hour or longer of waiting for some serious resolution coming down that you wish would just go away, your body is numb the brain hurts and your eyes could swear they've looked at the same thing twice but it just doesn't have that glorious essence anymore

There's no rhyme or reason for much these days, good people get fucked over and bad ones get away with unconscionable behavior. Oh....believe me when I say more acquaintances have repeated the proverb/philosophy "they'll get their just reward in the end"!

I don't feel comfortable anymore languishing over being sour,negative or resentful as we know these emotions are useless and don't get us anywhere in our growth or happiness. Today is different.....I'm somewhat blue and even though I take something to keep my brain chemistry synapsing at rapid healthy levels, this annoying little tug has got me in it's grips...something is just not right!

I could excuse myself for being overly tired, run down, stressed out and just plain not used to so much activity for this stay at home mother that is now climbing Mount Everest. But it's more than that, I've got everything to look forward to with success on the horizon and decisive focused energy.

For the last week or so Caesar has been out of town, not available and I find myself not functioning in a way that feels fulfilled. I hate the notion of being co-dependant or enabling someone from not pushing forward in their journey. I'm disconnected from myself with his absence. How can loving someone who temporarily vanishes from your everyday existence make such an impact on your spirits?

I'm blue this morning, the rain doesn't help and I'm longing for damn pathetic! I'm missing him, even though I'm doing my life in a way I'm so proud I feel empty because he's not here to revel in my accomplishments.

I suppose this could be analyzed and compared to when I was married, I longed for my partner to offer a little praise for who and what I am....then you could digress and go WAY back to my parents. (Oh shit do we have to go there)? Even though I was an outstanding child with talents and sunny disposition never did I hear "I Love you" or "I'm so proud as your parent".

How do I look in the mirror, see myself and be ecstatic for MY huge leaps in growth and success? Why can't I validate ME and be content? Is this something you must consciously begin to change, unlearn your hurts in order to move past the ache?

Today has begun with doubts and fears and I'm hating myself for having them. Oh where are the cheerleaders when you need them?

Nightguy_1961 55M
4866 posts
5/16/2006 6:15 am

I'm blue this morning, the rain doesn't help and I'm longing for damn pathetic!

If I may....

There is nothing pathetic about loving someone with all of your being...if I'm reading you correctly. The gentleman in question has become a central part of your existence and it means something to you...pure and simple.

We all crave attention and praise from those closest to us...that's normal. What isn't normal is when it's not given...but that doesn't make you any less a makes you long for the unrequited love...and it makes those that don't give it look like the fools that they are...yes, I said it, "Fools".

We all have doubts, TM, only an arrogant buffoon won't admit to having doubts. The key is dealing with them...yes, even on a day to day basis.

I came up with this might not work for you, but it helps me at times:

My universe, my rules

If people don't like or appreciate what I am and what I do, they can kindly get the hell out of my space and leave me alone, thank you. The only person I have to impress is me...period.

Just my viewpoint...didn't mean to ramble on

take well...

NG61...disappearing into the shadows...

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/21/2006 12:26 pm:
I'm not sure who's more foolish Nightguy....I'm feeling regrets for even wanting to trust only leads to disappointment. Poor choices we make....if I only had a crystal ball!

WayneMarie4girl 45M/38F

5/16/2006 7:24 am

Use this time away from Caesar and go do some shopping. Sounds simple right? Well get a nice sexy outfit to welcome him home with. And get those thoughts and emotions on to the positive of anticipation. Thinking of his face when he sees you and the fun you will have.

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/21/2006 12:28 pm:
All wonderful suggestions....I've tried doing this but the timing is still uncertain and I'm holding on by a thread. Thank you for being so kind!

Darkpassion 57F

5/16/2006 8:54 am

Talk about languishing! I know just where you are today because i'm there too. Can't really offer anyway out of it but just decide to go with the flow and enjoy it. Missing some one is never pathetic. If he shows you the best side of you, then he's worth cherishing. Use the time apart to plan treats for you both to enjoy when he returns. Choose to be happy...I just have

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/21/2006 12:31 pm:
Happiness can be a double edged sword, loving does not come without risks and in my case these risks are questionable. I hope for a "good side" to be offered but in light of the circumstances I'm currently entangled there is no "good side" to be found.

Happiness might be moving on....

HeardLankaMalls 55M
2925 posts
5/16/2006 11:43 am

It's funny (in a weird way) TM; I'm feeling much the same way. Needing that little validation that you 'are' someone, and that you 'matter'.

Doing things on your own as you want and need to (work related I'm sure) center your attention to the immediate, and the task at hand. But when winding down, it's always nice to have someone listen, and give a comment or two on your day, and in some way validate your actions, or listen to you validate them. It also helps to listen to their events and share your two cents when appropriate; sharing being the key word. I know in my situation, I've gotten tired of being rebuffed, and not listened to, so therefor, why share?
I listen, and support and comment when I can, but the one way street often leads to a dead end.

You sound like you need to expand your 'friend' base, your 'cheerleaders', to support your successes, sympathize with your setbacks, and just to be there when you need to share. One special someone is always nice.

Ok, my ramblings are taking off to tangents unknown.

Be proud of who you are, and what you do; let friends and relatives know of your accomplishments (or setbacks), and they (and we) will cheer you on

Hugs, C

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/21/2006 12:35 pm:
I'm feeling trapped by that dead end Cor....I know what I need and what I'm worth...not to worry it will resolve itself sooner or later.

Can I dress you up in a uniform and give you pom poms to shake? You'd be so cute as a cheerleader! Hugs back at ya....and here's hoping that someday another will cherish us "just as we are"!

rm_mtnravyn 60M
890 posts
5/16/2006 12:28 pm

A story that came to mind in reading. Those cheer leaders may only be four or five people but htey are truly invaluable.

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
This story teaches two lessons:
1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.
2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say.

Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words is such that, sometimes it is hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times.

Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.
Please, treat others as the precious beings they are.

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/21/2006 12:41 pm:
Thank you for reminding me with your generous wisdom that with questions of life there is profound sadness and doubt....grieving has never been easy for me, nor have I ever used words to inflict pain or hurt.

I'm confused and not sure where to go....perhaps I'll just sit quiet and listen to the world speak.

I'm saddened by the choices we make at times knowing full well they are not healthy or loving, accepting this and moving forward is the only way out. To seek a better life....isn't that the goal?

_Safira 53F
11260 posts
5/16/2006 1:51 pm

Give me an S!
Give me a U!
Give me an N!
Give me an S!
Give me an H!
Give me an I!
Give me an N!
Give me an E!

What's it spell?


You are my sunshine, my lovely sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. Hopefully I can do the same for you today!


Safira {=}

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/21/2006 12:47 pm:
Thank you for sending some cheery brightness my way, as you know a stressful time that hasn't produced the most positive energy. I'm hoping that soon it will vanish and life will be again for the taking.

I've learned from the! To sit and listen to the quiet....I'm still waiting for it to answer. Hey maybe I need a hearing aid?

rm_anacortes 74M
2850 posts
5/16/2006 2:07 pm

Today has begun with doubts and fears and I'm hating myself for having them. Oh where are the cheerleaders when you need them?





rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/21/2006 12:50 pm:
Yeah I know Ana...I'm NOT different than the rest...just one small insignificant person in a sea of doubts and fears. It's still raining even though the sun shines. Perhaps moving to a better location might solve my temporary rainy day blues.


5/16/2006 11:49 pm ready in 5 minutes.. gonna swing by and pick you up in my convertible.. yep I got one.. we will hit the coast high way.. A1A.. traveling about 70.. wind in our hair .. laughing.. listening to loud classic rock..
Take you to Coconuts.. a beach club on the sand,, great food , live music,out side eatery in 85degree weather..we will order drinks.. myself water with lemon.. I ask the waiter it give you a shot of something special *W
We decide to order a lite bite to eat.. the waiter ask...Dinner salad or up-grade to Cesar.. you reply Dinner salad. We are laughing.. then dancing.. young men drooling over us .. we our loving is good..

We then leave and drive a mile down the road to the pier.. more live music.. jazz.. blues we swing as we walk enjoying the sites.. sit down and look over the ocean talk.. laugh... share secrets

you see tears in my eyes.. and ask whats wrong?? I tell you my Butter fly garden has not bloomed.. I think I forgot to cover it last frost..
you laugh at me so hard you pee your pants.. whip out your cell phone to call
and tell her.. " hey her house is purple

we then sit on the beach under the stars

under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/21/2006 12:52 pm:
This was so creative and heartfelt MRSMUFF, I almost choked trying to hold it needs seem unimportant to the bigger picture but still valid and real.

Thank you for giving me this vision, it took me away briefly and I smiled for a second...what a gift you gave!

rm_kelli4u2dew 41F
5220 posts
5/17/2006 7:40 am

Gimme a T
Gimme a E
Gimme a N
Gimme a N
Oh, hell, just come here and I'll give you a


rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/21/2006 12:55 pm:
Thanks Kelly for the hug, but I'd really like to see you jumping and doing splits while cheering. Something tells me you might have some experience with this request! would be fun to watch!

mygmyg 59M

5/18/2006 8:56 pm

TM, first things first, a HUG!!

Your view of the "TM", as a stay at home MOM? UGH, let's try Domestic Goddess !! The Crown you are adorned with, and the Title every Mother has Earned thrice over!! Little Ceasar( I'm Jealous of his place at YOUR side, and front, and Oh My, GoddAss, that is some kinda swinging backside!!) .... oh, yeah, L. Ceasar.. is always with you, in your Heart and Mind ( the lucky little fker).
When these feelings and thoughts press up to you, you just put on some music, something soothing, and use your heart and mind, and bring him to YOU.
Look out at the ocean, the persistent strength of LIFE is out your window!! (I know your not on of those "creationists"!) let the music and the Power of what you see wash over you, comfort you!!
Always there, always coming to you, unrelenting, in its pursuit of being closer to YOU! Doubt nothing, especially not yourself! You draw strength from within and from what surrounds YOU, Embrace the feeling that you are unstoppable, as Knowledge!!
You will have what you want and desire, the proof is in your effort and work!! Nothing has been given to YOU! You are all about "Earning it, paying for IT time and time again!" You are your own banker, and no one can say otherwise, You know this to be true in your Heart!!

Validating oneself, and being content is The Battle, Everyday!! The War that is our Life, take it one battle at a time and like the power of the ocean out your window, You will not relent, and will continue to rise and fight the good fight each and every moment, of every single DAY!! Some days you will pound the sucker and other days you will direct your strength inward and appear to be calm, but Your strength and power is always within.

Being Beachless, as I am , would you, could you, WAVE to me, Wash Over me, Churn me up and toss me on a Soft BED of Sand at your feet!!!


rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/21/2006 1:24 pm:
I logged on to view your comment, I was so taken by the words and love you sent me via this post. Thank you my friend for having faith in me when I doubt there is any left for myself.

Looking in the mirror and seeing "Tennismaiden" is difficult on days when those around me cast doubt and burdens. They know not what they ask....argh!

rm_mtnravyn 60M
890 posts
5/21/2006 7:10 am

Every winter, When the great sun has turned his face away, The earth goes down into a vale of grief, And fasts, and weeps, and shrouds herself in sables, Leaving her wedding-garlands to decay-- Then leaps in spring to his returning kisses. Kingsley

Every thing has its cycle and no one can know how another person movevs through those cycles. Someone once said it is better to be an optimist than a pessimist. A pessimist may be correct more often in their views of the future nut they will certainly not have as much fun as the optimist in getting there. Twain said "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way." That is also true for grieving. The only way through is to go through it. I seem to be learning that lesson slowly and I still wake up occassionally with thoughts of her but it is fading over time.

All this to say "Be where you are for that is where you are."

rm_kelli4u2dew 41F
5220 posts
5/21/2006 7:41 pm

tennismaiden replies on 5/21/2006 1:55 pm:
Thanks Kelly for the hug, but I'd really like to see you jumping and doing splits while cheering. Something tells me you might have some experience with this request! would be fun to watch!

Just because I think I understand what's going on doesn't mean I have a clue as to what to say.

As to being a cheerleader ... when I was in high school I hated the conceited bitches. They wouldn't give me the time of day. (but I can do a standing split)

HeardLankaMalls 55M
2925 posts
5/22/2006 4:36 am

Hmmm...Don't think I'd be too good looking dressing up like a cheerleader TM
But, I'm pretty good at sitting and having a beer and listening

free2chose2 66F

5/22/2006 6:56 pm

Hey TM, I robbed a puter, lets throw a blog party

Don't worry, be Happy

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