A crumb of a passing thought  

rm_tennismaiden 59F
2103 posts
6/28/2006 10:14 pm

Last Read:
3/6/2008 7:19 am

A crumb of a passing thought


Came home tonight after an escapade of shopping with a new girlfriend. We did the Trader Joe's run all the way in Marlton (an hour away) did some shoe shopping, dinner with another one of her friends and generally had a blast.

Unloaded the bags of stuff upon returning home, $245.00 of TJoe alone and got settled. Power up the puter, get my laptop up hoping to do a little camming with a Californian friend and to my surprise a fellow blogger rang me up.

You all know sirluvsstorms who visits me on occasion, we chatted a bit and then I moved on into my blog. I read the comment another blogger [blog valleyrat4] had left and then went to zebra_buggy scrolled along reading and was amazed to say the least. how incredible that such a young mind could be so delicious and stimulating. Creative and just downright blowing me outta the water. Cool beans she gets my vote!

So...I'm reading one of her entries about closure. Yeah....this has been a huge stumbling block for me as I am stuck on getting stuck. I yearn for closure in a way I cannot comprehend. As if with each encounter there is closure (or lack of) still lingering from the last love affair as it trickles over and catches up yet again to the present affair. Do you have any idea how much this sucks?

So I'm reading blog posts, making comments, laughing and generally lovin being back doing my thing and then WHAMO. It hit me....I'm missing him. Yeah you know who....he visited my blog with every entry and there were days I created with him by my side. He was and is the most intelligent man I've had the pleasure of knowing and I was so flattered he thought enough to read my musings. He actually got a kick out of them/me/all. I felt whole in a strange kind of way. he had begun reading from the very beginning and now? he might as well have been buried. I never even talk to him anymore, that damn closure is really buggin me with this one. I feel in some ways a part of me died in blogland, I'm mourning the loss and not sure how to go on without his presence.

Really stupid right? I've been fighting with myself over him, angry...sad...disappointed...frustrated....lost?

It's not that I was so stuck on him, I'm not...it's that I always thought he would be my friend and well....I've been relegated to the occasional fuck list...not even the ABC list but the XYZ list....dead last. You know the friend he would call if he couldn't rustle up the 20 million other women in his life?

What really hurts...(as if you want to know) is I trusted him (or wanted to) he knew my history, knew my vulnerabilities and yet vanished without a trace. I wanted to believe if we had moved on we would still remain as the best of friends. But again circumstances have prevented this and I'm left hangin like a decrepit old screen door on the front of his house. My hinges are rusty and broken, I'm in desperate need of a paint job and I'm screaming for him to notice and fix me!

I won't be fixed, he's doing everything he can to avoid me. He cannot process or admit I was something special..and yet I was. I know that...he knows that, but why in hell cannot two people who were the best companions look each other in the eye, say their peace, embrace, and be grateful for all that was?

I'm tired now...it's so darn late and I'll not get enough sleep tonight to function with some modicum of sensibility in the morning.

These passing thoughts are dangerous and too costly, next time I'll skip right over these memories and find something more worthy of my time....more worthy of me.


Sexyblondy35 51F

6/28/2006 11:48 pm

We all have mourned the loss of lovers past. Please know your not alone. I have days that I feel low and depressed but I keep focusing on the next time I get to see that special friend. When we experience life with someone we learn so very much. It teaches us so much for the next person that comes along in our life. Venus in AdultFriendFinder bootcamp 101 wrote people being in our lives for a Reason a Season or a Lifetime. Maybe he is just a season or a reason but not a lifetime. We can learn from it and grow. Its ok to remember and miss them, Its not ok to punish yourself for it.


rm_tennismaiden replies on 6/30/2006 5:15 am:
These words ring true, I knew it was never going to last a lifetime and no punishing myself wouldn't be prudent. However, not every person is tolerant of the healing process. I had a potential suitor read this post and I suspect he took offense to it. Meaning I'm not able to get past the loss. Heck no! How many times are with new wonderful people and on occasion reflect back to those that went before them, the memories meld into one and send us soft visions of interwoven tapestries of our loves. In essence the small bits of baggage we carry along where ever we go. NO one is baggage free!

How nice you have come by to say hello, between you and Sir I am grateful to have found new friends. Always welcome to Tennismaiden lair!

SirluvsStorms 46M
684 posts
6/29/2006 12:33 am

Peeks out of the linen closet and asks sexyblondy35 "can i come out yet?" I have sorted everything alphabetical and ummm I did the laundry, and ummm no fair you read TennisMaiden's blog before me!


rm_tennismaiden replies on 6/30/2006 5:22 am:
I get really turned on by men with OCD! Are all the socks sorted too? I'll have to give you extra attention now...I just love a man that does socks!

rm_mtnravyn 60M
890 posts
6/29/2006 3:59 am

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.
V S Law

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt

"Really stupid right?" Absolutley not. Damn woman, try remembering that you are human and as such the emotions impact the thinking. Has nothing to do with stupidity or with intelligence only with livng. I still occassionally write a letter to not be mailed over my loss. And the anger and pain still surface. I would like to not have those periods but I also do not want to give up my ability to feel and grieve. One of the double binds of being human.


rm_tennismaiden replies on 6/30/2006 5:31 am:
That double edged thing called loving, it stumps us, makes us trip, causes doubt,makes us crazy, revs our arousal and generally tells us we're still alive. Wouldn't have it any other way! I'll keep having faith while the sorrow slowly diminishes.

HeardLankaMalls 55M
2925 posts
6/29/2006 4:31 am

Just remember your own statement TM; YOU ARE SPECIAL!!!

You obviously have fond memories of your time together. Keep the memories, and move on in your own time. Every day will bring new adventures and hi-lights (or low-lights). Just try to take them as they come (or cum as the case may be ) and see where life continues to lead you.

And remember, we'll be along for the ride...


And, if you need a hand to help you up, or an ear to listen, you know you have enough friends and acquaintences to help too


rm_tennismaiden replies on 6/30/2006 5:34 am:
When the nights are dark, the house eerily still, my heart is broken I turn to my keyboard and there you are! Always with me, beside me, holding me.....yes friends here, there and everywhere in blogland. A love affair not to be compared to any other.....WE ARE SPECIAL!

free2chose2 66F

6/29/2006 6:35 am

skipping along

Don't worry, be Happy


rm_tennismaiden replies on 6/30/2006 5:36 am:
yeah me too...but I'm avoiding those nasty cracks they'll get you every time!

TheRealThing655 48F
9558 posts
6/29/2006 7:32 am

I know TM...it's so hard to believe that everything you believed...even the friendship part...is over. I had a long term relationship that ended a year ago...we IM'd for a while after...but then it stopped. A month after we ended was my birthday..and he didn't even remember it. I'm one of those people who always remembers a birthday. It really made me think...if he really had loved me, cared...he could have at least remembered and just said Happy Birthday. Same thing with another man...thought we would be friends...we're both getting divorced and really could date legally...but he just walked away...after saying of course we'd always be friends. I think it is generally harder for men to do this than women....or else they are just cold-hearted pricks.
Makes you wonder who you can trust and believe in, that is for sure.


rm_tennismaiden replies on 6/30/2006 5:45 am:
I believe men are not capable of lingering friendships with women, it's a conflict of interest. The only relationship they want is one where they can sleep with you other wise we as friends as a waist of their time. They are regimented, disciplined and orderly, why clutter up their lives with more relationships they cannot handle?

But ultimately...YES THEY CAN BE PRICKS!!!!!

Lovin_U_4_Fun 54F

6/29/2006 11:21 am

The man I hurt over the most was a man I thought was my friend. It was never a sexual relationship, but it was intimate. At least it was to me.

He cut me out of his life, without even bothering to tell me, when his girlfriend moved to town. And, they did their best to ruin my reputation with every new friend I tried to make in a particular circle of supposedly compassionate folks. I finally took my cue from the story of Jonah and jumped ship!

I finally let it all go just this past year. It took a year and a half to get over it.

Men.

Everyone I know tells me that women and men cannot be friends. I choose not to believe that! It is what I crave more than anything. A real, honest, funny friendship with a real man.

Hey... it *could* happen.


rm_tennismaiden replies on 6/30/2006 5:48 am:
I'm with you all the way on that theory...opposite genders can and should be the best of friends. Isn't that what TRUE intimacy is about? Being united in mind body and soul? Heck God didn't give us just body parts, he gave us minds and hearts and souls too! What we do with those organs is again...up to us!

I sincerely hope that we both find our loves...they're out there!

GMURN 66F

6/29/2006 11:48 am

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) cause we all need them


rm_tennismaiden replies on 6/30/2006 5:49 am:
Hug received...and thank you I needed that!

nedthebundler 56M/59F

6/29/2006 10:08 pm

Tennismaiden,
I've had to take a moment and read up on your last few posts to get back up to speed.... Whew! I'm sure you miss Caesar, you had a torrid love thing going on for a bit, and it seems to have taken away more of you than you put into it, and I know you put a LOT into it. Let him go...you don't need him. If I remember correctly, you said he was the confirmed bachelor type, and by now you should understand why. He is selfish, and wants only for himself. When he reaches the point where he is expected to give, he bolts. I don't believe for a minute that you are the first, or will be the last.
I do believe that you are the winner, you have come away wiser, maybe a bit bruised, but you still have yourself. I realize that having to masterbate to ease the itch you have really sucks, we've all been there.

I'm sorry you lost your friend, I've never visited his blog so I can't comment on that, but I know you will continue to push on. His memory may never fade, and the pain you feel will eventually subside, but he will live on in your heart. Be thankful for the time you had with each other, some never experience that.

Your ex is an ass...

Know that while you may not always get fucked when you want it, you are always loved here

Madness takes its toll. Exact change please!


rm_tennismaiden replies on 6/30/2006 5:53 am:
Awwww Ned, your words simple and very genuine. Thank you for taking the time to catch up, though it's not all that interesting you gave me hope in the simple fact that some men and people care very much about me. I am grateful beyond words.

The cyber thing isn't helping me with getting laid though...that I'd like to do something about...REAL soon! ARGH!

tillerbabe 55F

6/30/2006 12:21 am

Not stupid! As women, we are communicators, men typically aren't, (true there are exceptions to every rule). Through communication we find closure, through "doing" we find closure. Use your girlfriends right now...I know you have some very sweet ones that care about you. Fact: When women communicate with each other, we release a hormone called oxytocin. This is the hormone of labor and many think the hormone oxytocin is associated with the ability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships and healthy psychological boundaries with other people. Good stuff - talk it out with female friends or with men you can trust, this very real need you have for closure and communication will be fulfilled, slower than what you may want. But, really...I'm sure he thinks of you often, (how can he not?) It's just so hard for men to talk about "stuff", it's encouraged by society for them to supress this need and they have very real hormones that support it. Whew! enough of the clinical stuff! Just talk it out...here and with the ladies that love you, relief will come.


rm_tennismaiden replies on 6/30/2006 6:05 am:
Darling Tilz, I have often been thinking of you, the many memories swirl in my head and with great sadness we share solace that life will go on for us both.

Yes I remember him too sweet love (Bri) some days the parody between my dilemmas and his guidance is too real and painful. My grief is only a small fraction of the many others that he touched but still difficult some days.

The comfort I take is the many smiles and giggles sent our way while he shakes his head points a finger and says "now you're gettin it girls" "My presence is still and forever with you both"!

And with that....life goes on.

I will do my research (oxytocin) I knew this existed but perhaps delving into something other then "cock" talk will be a great diversion to regaining some perspective and composure at present.

I send you my bountiful love and thanks for coming to visit. You are always in my prayers..... TM

TheCliticals 34F/F

6/30/2006 12:35 am

Wishing you happier days
Sandy


rm_tennismaiden replies on 6/30/2006 6:07 am:
Happy days are right around the corner....I have faith! TY Sandy

Nightguy_1961 55M
4866 posts
6/30/2006 3:15 am

TM,

I know all about closure...or at least what it is supposed to be like. You examine what went wrong, both parties part on their own terms (like adults), and life goes on...

Except that it isn't that damn simple!!!!!

In several episodes in my life, I have attempted closure involving certain relationships...not just romantic/sexual, but family/friend relationships. Yes, I turned my back on those whose sole purpose seemed to be causing me pain.

But turning my back on them didn't lessen the scarring that still occurred with the separation...it never does. We think we are conning ourselves with such talk about 'closure', 'parting as friends',...whatever. The bottom line is that it still hurts

Yes, you're battling with yourself...and that's okay. I know (call it a hunch) that you'll come out of this battle on top. Don't do like some...fall into that hole of darkness...trust me on that.

Sorry, didn't mean to ramble....

NG61...shutting up and slipping back into the unfeeling darkness...


rm_tennismaiden replies on 6/30/2006 6:13 am:
You can ramble on when ever you wish...it all makes perfect sense and I agree. I will conquer, many of us have the determination to do so, cause we strive for a better more full life worth living. Plus or Minus all the extras that go with that authentic journey, it's all good in the end.

For the most part I don't dwell once I've made the move forward, but there are those little reminders of the past that cause us to shed a tear or smile a smirk or whatever emotional/physical tribute to them we can give. They existed and to pretend they hadn't is only denying ourselves of the experience and lesson.

WhyUseBOB 60M
11 posts
6/30/2006 10:55 am

WHAT TM?? you were over by me in Marlton and didn't let know (sigh)
Listen sweet woman. Healing from a realtionship takes time. Smells, songs etc all bring back reminders. Continue moving foreward and heal. You have many friends and supporters here, it appears. Lean on them. Me Those who have already touched your heart in so many other ways as you have touched theirs.
Be strong

Hugs

Joe


rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/1/2006 5:43 am:
Joe darling, To tell the truth at this point I'm gonna step back from all proposals and should re-group. You bring up a valid point, the smells, sounds, tastes, visuals do act as a constant reminder of every link to each person that has crossed our threshold. Many times we are beyond that hurt and can look back fondly other times the wound is still too fresh to ignore the sting.

Though I have the past neatly dealt with, apparently others are skeptical of this fine tuned skill. I can move along quickly when I make that decision and try my best at leaving the past in the past. If I have emotions I must bare I do it here where there is safety and solace. Unfortunately there are some that take my writings and expressions too seriously or literally. Ces't La Vie....

I'm being as strong as I possibly can.....thank you for your support!

SirluvsStorms 46M
684 posts
6/30/2006 12:50 pm

    Quoting Lovin_U_4_Fun:
    The man I hurt over the most was a man I thought was my friend. It was never a sexual relationship, but it was intimate. At least it was to me.

    He cut me out of his life, without even bothering to tell me, when his girlfriend moved to town. And, they did their best to ruin my reputation with every new friend I tried to make in a particular circle of supposedly compassionate folks. I finally took my cue from the story of Jonah and jumped ship!

    I finally let it all go just this past year. It took a year and a half to get over it.

    Men.

    Everyone I know tells me that women and men cannot be friends. I choose not to believe that! It is what I crave more than anything. A real, honest, funny friendship with a real man.

    Hey... it *could* happen.
What if one finds he falls in love too easy? What if one finds he cant fall out of love and starts having too many people that he loves and ends up torn between them all? Like a golden puppy running from one beautiful woman to the next that calls him, "here gorgeous little puppy come here, oh yes you are a good little puppy!" Oh to fall asleep next to the feet of someone who understands me
Sir


rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/1/2006 6:56 am:
If this doesn't pin point Caesar to a tee I'd don't know what does! Yeah you nailed this! Good job

Now....teach me to be poly-amorous so I can have all those little warm feet when I need a good cuddle. Oh...uh...forget it, too much work and too many screwed up heads that go along hand in hand with that mind set. I'd rather abstain and eat chocolate!

joewillblow71 45M

6/30/2006 1:58 pm

I just wanted to say I think you are super sexy and VERY hot!!!!!


rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/1/2006 6:57 am:
Thank you! Doesn't seem to do much good, my timing is still horrendous! LOL

DIVISION77 39M  
8321 posts
6/30/2006 7:45 pm

Interesting.

In some ways, what you have is closure or perhaps the closest tangible thing to it given the circumstances. I'm not sure he is willing to give you your version of closure. Perhaps that is his way of maintaining a semblance of control, that last shred of remembrance in your mind. You haven't forgotten about him and you never will.

The fact that you are relegated to XYZ in his list means that he is not over you, and will probably never be. He wants more and isn't satisfied with the status quo. To admit to you that you were important would mean he was safely comfortable and ready to move on. Obviously that is not that case.

There is unfinished business here.

If you had to do it all over again, I think he would be someone you'd rather keep strictly as a friend.

As you have seen, your friendship wasn't strong enough to survive the sexual component.

This is why I don't advise FWB relationships.

Sex changes everything.

DIV

"My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur


rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/1/2006 7:08 am:
So True! When I look back to a specific email that reveals all this I should have been more in tune with the message. BEWARE...if a person knows his limitations who the hell am I to question this?

We as women have this rose glass perception that we can change behavioral tendencies....NOT! WE need to be more cognizant and if a friend sees the writing on the wall...trust his admission not his sexual desires. Once the cock is released all bets are off and extreme caution should be exercised.

There is no unfinished business regarding me....I'm clear, I'm done and he can continue on without my gorgeous ass making his life more enjoyable! I would never except being XYZ anymore, not with him or anyone else for that matter.

Thanks Div....you do have your head together.

tillerbabe 55F

7/1/2006 2:18 am

You know what I left out in my post? (i'm such a wing-nut sometimes...) was that oxytocin is produced when you hang out with your girlfriends..talk, shop... sip wine...THAT was supposed to be my point! LOL That "hashing out your feelings" with women that care and that can empathize and validate your feelings...can be super healthy and healing through the production of this hormone. (I think I saw this on 20/20)


rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/1/2006 7:14 am:
You would be proud Tilz, I had the best time with a girlfriend last night and we're gonna hang again today and maybe the rest of the weekend. I'll take side splitting girly laughter over screwed up ambiguous sexual innuendo that goes nowhere with men.

(doing a little dance while the oxytocin is being released from tennismaiden)

rm_Keystone3812 65M
583 posts
7/1/2006 3:40 am

Why anyone would avoid you and your sweet smile is WAY beyond me...... Hug, Tennis.


rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/1/2006 7:15 am:
I don't know Key...I'm not a legend or super Goddess like Angelina Jolie...I'm just a simple girl...go figure?

SirluvsStorms 46M
684 posts
7/1/2006 11:49 am

Quoting:
If this doesn't pin point Caesar to a tee I'd don't know what does! Yeah you nailed this! Good job

Now....teach me to be poly-amorous so I can have all those little warm feet when I need a good cuddle. Oh...uh...forget it, too much work and too many screwed up heads that go along hand in hand with that mind set. I'd rather abstain and eat chocolate!

Tennismaiden
You make me smile.. I personally dont think im poly-amorous. I tend more towards "compersion". In my intimate relationships I tend towards intimacy without sex because sex for some people does mess up the relationship. For some people sex is easily compartmentalized. For me to compartmentalize sex, (long story about my ex and me)I had to love equally, That took me a bit of time in my head to set me straight. Setting sex aside from intimacy helped me alot, yet sex with intimacy is the most enjoyable. Yes i can and have fallen IN LOVE with more then one person does that make me Poly-amorous? I think its more compersion.


ella1966 50F
1528 posts
7/4/2006 4:59 pm

(((Hugs))) to some of the posters above, TM and TheRealThing and LovingU4Fun, I really understand, I really do...the only medicine is time, that dreadful stuff that you can't get fast enough.

ella X


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