|Blogs > rm_tennismaiden > little nuisances|
"Walking the Tight rope"
"Walking the Tight rope"
Last evening I was speaking with Mistress _Safira as we usually do on a periodic basis, catching up on our day, sharing frustrations and gloating over triumphs. I feel very blessed to have her friendship for so many reasons, but mostly for the fact she is intensely intelligent and has similar experiences to share. Being the complex creatures we are as women there is a fine line (tight rope) we walk with regards to our relationships and intimacy. So.....we compare and study while trying to find our way through this muddled undefined area.
During the course of our conversation (laughing hysterically) we agreed to the many hidden messages our counterparts offer during this mating game of courtship. The interpretations being....well....Mars vs. Venus and the reality of THAT language. I was sharing with her of my recent venture speaking with someone from California, I, lamenting over the possible reluctance of this individual to step forward and actually solidify our strong bond. When many of us begin dialog (friendship) with another from this site there is a pretense of casual no expectations union, whether that be a platonic meeting or fleshy steamy encounter one never knows of the chemistry between the two parties involved.
Then there is the reality....once the adventure begins it becomes apparent that "Tennismaiden" is perhaps a bit more deserving of just a "wham bang thank you ma’am" meeting. The Mistress agreed her experience very similar to mine. Both of us (Safira and I ) expect little from each of our hetero friendships, we enjoy the simple banter, generous amounts of intelligent exchange and careful unpeeling of ones layers as we begin our journeys with these individuals. Neither of us looking for anything more than connection on what ever level that unique connection brings. But then occasionally there comes along....someone special that rattles our bones and we find ourselves not only shaken but concocting little tests to uncover the suitors worth at meeting us halfway, i.e.; stepping up to the plate.
In my experience (I cannot speak for Safira ) as I continue to offer myself with all the trimmings, many men pull back and rethink whether they wish to move forward and meet me. I’m the kind of woman who should still be married, has worked diligently to rid myself of baggage, anger, bitterness and all the other obstacles we as humans carry from relationship to relationship. I am quite the catch and maybe....just maybe more than any man bargained for. I’m the kind of woman a man can fall for hard....but it does not come without a price. I do not push people to hold themselves accountable to their interpersonal skills, I gently and lovingly nudge, without ever expecting anything in return.
In the past years I have been stumped as to why I’ve met so many potential partners to venture ahead with but after a date, or session of intimacy (after appropriate steps) they all but vanish with not even a phone call explaining why they disappeared. Oh I know there is a little thing called chemistry and it might not be what the other anticipated but the lack of communication and honor has always perplexed me. Yes....sometimes men can be men and they simply are not up to the task of admitting they can be schumcks so they slink away never to be heard from again. I get this…really I do. ( and admitting women too practice this flawed characteristic)
The thought occurred to me perhaps my breath is bad....or I’m not thin enough, maybe I’m not the bitch that’s unattainable giving the suitor that chase of excitement. I am what I am....and at this point in our lives some are not looking to fall in love again or become entangled in having to "work" at keeping something profound and worth having. Sure...many of us has had the children, collected the stuff and thankfully gotten rid of the ex. But what do we want now? A simple shagging from time to time just to see if our parts still work as our hormones play a cruel joke on us as we age. We want companionship without all the drama…or depth…simple, easy, not having to make room in ones closet for our partners belongings or a real commitment to walk hand and hand for a time to see if life can offer the nurturing void left empty for most of our years behind us.
I am at the juncture of my life where I have a few friends that provide the many hugs I require without all the complex woven intricacies of commitment. This has been quite the eye opening shift I never thought would occur, I have always wanted to fall in love again. But for now I’m very content hanging back and waiting for love to find me...if it ever does. The desperation has been alleviated from my unique and one of a kind being.
I’ve not changed my desire of someday co-habitating with the man who will adore me in all my glorious splendor...I loved being connected to one person. The day-to-day mundane chores and tasks of even cleaning the toilet, I thrive and extract meaning from. This is part of my healing from all the trials and tribulations I’ve had over the years…to "get" loving and being loved...RIGHT!
So I ask you my devout and loyal friends, what is it you seek IN life, FROM life? And why do people begin something they cannot finish with out any accountability? Why are people so afraid of admitting mistakes or offering condolences for not honoring the other? Why do we bury our heads in the sand pretending and justifying our behaviors while our partner or friend is left in the dark?
Oh...lots of questions here….just pick one that speaks to you and comment away...Enlighten me oh “Obie One” for I am soon to be the Jedi of blogland.
2/28/2006 11:32 am
"What is it you seek IN life, FROM life?" A difficult question to answer. I seek acceptance......... respect...... a sense of self worth and belonging..... a sense of loving and being loved and appreciated for what you do. That's a start, anyway!|
2/28/2006 11:33 am
tm I will say that while there are differences in communication styles, htose can be as diverse between parts of the ocuntry as between men and women. If I get too much into the "Mars and Venus" paradigm I discount my own responsibility in the process of connection. I do agree that the pretense of "no expectations" is exactly that, a pretense. To say we have none woould be to deny our own humanness. I have been blessed with many on here with whom I communicate . I have also met some of those and had the opportunity to explore that chemistry at multiple levels. I am still in touch with most and the ones I am not are the ones who chose that path, as you said that option is not just limited to the male of the species. |
The answer to your first question is most difficult - but I will say that I do want to continue to grow and explore the potential of the human sensual interactions. How can I give and get more from those meetings.
The second I believe is more about the cultural paradigm prevalent in our country. It starts at the top with those in charge and permeated the entire culture. This is more of a process covering thirty or forty years and seems to be most obvious in the current administration.
The third is similar. Admitting a mistake is taken as a failure of self rather than a behavioral lapse.For men, this may also be seen as a reflection of masculinity. Sadly, it also may not be viewed as a mistake but as a hit and run conquest. Neither of which is responsible or honorable.
The fourth has many underlying contributors I believe. Mostly I believe it is tied to the internal conflict that may exist between desires and guilt. The guilt that goes with enjoying pleasure. While this site is one path to some freedoms the culture is slow to catch up.
Enlightenment, little one, comes from taking the risk of exploring and being open to the lessons life offers.. If you honor your path, then it will open before you. If one walks down dead ends then a lot of time is spent retracing ones steps.
I believ it was Mark Twain who said you can never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Keep walking your path, Milady, and enjoy the gifts you have and the ones you receive.
More than you probaly expeceted but a topic I have written on and thought about due to several interactions myself. Thanks for the post.
2/28/2006 12:15 pm
Hmmm...as you said in your previous post...Tennismaiden is back! |
Interesting post as usual TM. As you already know (mostly) of my foibles, there are many answers/insights/conjectures to give here. For my 2 cents, the simple answer to what we seek in life is to be happy.
As far as accountability, I believe we are also afraid of that which we might actually obtain, and to actually face our fears and qualms is difficult for most of us. To admit a mistake, is to admit we're not perfect. Or that we might have some "flaw" that everyone else may see and point out. Our insecurities are powerful influences on our lives.
Another facet is that some may just be "trolling" and have no purpose or direction, as much as they may say differently. We all know, or have heard stories, of those individuals who have no problem putting on the airs and flattering a person to go out with them, then once that act of attainment has been achieved, adding a notch to the bedpost and moving on their merry way. I guess that sounds a bit cynical once I write it.
I do believe there are true and just individuals in the world. It's getting them to the right place as ours that may be the difficult part. You may have to pull them kicking and screaming from their own safe and secure corner.
Well, you've been able to elicit another long response from me whether you like it or not
Hugs as always,
2/28/2006 5:21 pm
'quite the philosopher, you are, and how refreshing to read this level of personal reflection.
This question intrigues me: "And why do people begin something they cannot finish with out any accountability?". Do most people even consider accountability as a part of the formula for starting something?...or, is the realization of accountability something that happens in mid-effort when things are teetering in the balance? My suspicion is that accountability is a victim of our inability to face failure as a factor in personal growth...something to be feared rather than something we should honor in spite of any associated failure to finish.
2/28/2006 8:24 pm
I can understand that you have not been yourself as of late, how ever I never would have picked you for someone to use a corny cliche such as "Enlighten me oh “Obie One” for I am soon to be the Jedi of blogland." This is bad, in fact it is very bad, have you checked with your MD to see if the dosage he/she perscribed is correct.
As for life and what I want or expect from it, I expect that the day-to-day mundane chores and tasks of even cleaning the toilet, is just that, a task it has to be done. I expect that we should all know this and instead of bitching about it, just do it.
I expect that life is a journey, one of learning and growing and one that should savored, it does not have to be hard, nor should it be. It should be lived to the fullest for today is here and tomorrow never ever gets here.
2/28/2006 9:37 pm
I think the fact that I ask the incredibly hard questions (though, to me, they are always the obvious ones) that gently (I hope!) forces our lovely male friends to be true to themselves, above all else. Self-examination by way of answering these questions is a rather daunting "task." Especially when they are shown through my actions that I absolutely and completely will accept them AND those choices, even if those choices (and consequently they) are NOT right for me. It's rather intimidating and/or overwhelming, I've been told.|
Yet I will not change my path ... or the path I wish my friends to walk ... which is our true path, forward (be that individually or together for a lovely interlude).
Why do you think I have the ten-mile hike requirement?
This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?
3/1/2006 7:07 am
Yes, TM, it is a very tight rope indeed! |
Alas, as you admitted to in your blog, it is not only the male part of a budding new relationship that can "all but vanish with not even a phone call explaining why they disappeared." Such behavior can be universally perplexing!
The complex nature of a woman is truly mind-boggling! Many women claim that they are in search of that one monogamous, committed relationship, yet they still want to cling to those "friends with benefits" relationships that they've created for themselves as a safe haven for the "simple shagging from time to time...." They seem to be searching for, as you wrote: "companionship without all the drama…or depth…simple, easy, not having to make room in ones closet for our partners belongings or a real commitment...."
"And why do people begin something they cannot finish without any accountability?" My good friend, TM, I do not have the answer to that question. I imagine it may vary from person to person and from relationship to relationship. Just know that you are in good company and that we can fool ourselves as often as others fool us! There are men who TRULY seek love and romance above sex and lust. Unfortunately, there are both men and women who don't even know the difference.
I think we all need to remember where we are right now - on AdultFriendFinder. They proclaim themselves as "The World's Largest Sex & Swinger Personals Site." If we find love and romance here, I think we have found the proverbial "needle in a haystack." If we find friendships here, as many of us most fortunately have, then that is worth the entire price of admission (especially, if one is a standard member - haha!) and then some! For many, they ONLY want to find "NO STRINGS" SEX partners - the main reason that sites like this exist! That is their right and privilege.
We can only judge our own motivations based on our own needs and desires. We may think we want that one committed, monogamous relationship because that is what we were taught we should want. Perhaps, it is our own self conscious desires for the safety and luxury of our "friends with benefits" that ultimately drives those potential lifelong connections away?
TM, so many questions and no clear cut answers! While perspectives may vary by gender, we must also remember that we are all different by personality as well!
Good Luck, my friend! My thoughts are with you even as your thoughts drift onward and westward.
3/1/2006 12:08 pm
I, for one, do admit to my mistakes. Go read the last two days on my blog and you will see. However, I'm not sure why guys tend to not call or show up, etc. I think there is something in them that snaps that just says, "don't get too close, too fast." Then, when sex comes up, they'll do that, but they don't want to have the emotions that come after it. I'm at a loss on why they do...|
3/2/2006 12:41 am
Very interesting post, TM. Insightful, too.|
I seek acceptance....but not from everyone. I want people to accept me for me, not for who they think I should be or want me to become. I admit my mistakes. If anything, I'm always honest through and through. Sometimes, the truth hurts...but I'd rather give it than lie my ass off to spare someone. That only delays the inevitable.
In my recent saga concerning the 'camel', I have come to the conclusion that the problems lie within myself as well. It's always a two way street and people just don't take the time to really look at the spectrum from the other end. I have done that and I accept responsibility as well. It's an eye opener. I'm not perfect and never claim to be.
And what is up with men (or women) just cutting off contact with no explanation? All of a sudden, all you get is silence?!? That annoys me and it bothers me. I'm someone who just HAS to know the whys of it all and when that happens....it's dumbfounding.
3/3/2006 12:47 pm
hmmmm.... great post; lots to think about!|
3/7/2006 12:31 am
There are several reasons that could be involved why men aredoing an about face.
1. They quite simply don't want an exclusive relationship.
2. They don't want a committed relationship for what ever reason
or reasons and realizing you're quite a woman flee.
3. You say you want to find a man that'll adore you ..Are you sure
that is what you want ?
I never want to be worshipped. Loved,cared for,honesty,fidelity
communicative,giving ,sharing, wonderful love life in and out of
I would never want to be idolized or seek one who wishes the same
from me. Somewhere in there I hear a controlling voice.