I'm beginning to hate people.  

rm_tcmayo 32M
0 posts
2/12/2006 3:51 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

I'm beginning to hate people.

I'm suffering from some one hour jet-lag and some serious depression. I just got back from Texas, the land that brought us the wonderful man that is Jorge Dubble-vey Bush, and I'm pissed. Not at the state, not at the city of Austin, and not even at my normal self-destructive target, no... Wait... that last one is right, I'm pissed at myself.
Not a day after I got the cast off my arm (which is still hurting like a drunken bitch, thank you very fucking much), I got a call. THE call, if you were to rank the calls that I usually get in their usual ability to shatter my operational world. My mom was put back into the mental institutional system. Yay.
And that's not why I'm down. You see, this is number two, this has happened before. The thing that is getting to me is the fact that when I heard what had happened, I didn't feel any emotion anymore.. I think I've become more of a cold and unfeeling bastard than I had origonally thought. I remember the first time I heard that same news... I knew at the second I realized the true depth of the problem that I had two courses of action:
1: I would march into the Institution Building and destroy each and every person that stood between my mother and her freedom, or...
2: Sit there and wallow in my own pain and angst, smoking more pot and drinking a whole lot more booze while I tried to forget all and rationalize the fact that my life basis was being destroyed from the ground up.
Luckily for my life, I wasn't nearly insane enough to go for option one.
But now that it's happened again, I don't know what to think. I think in the 2 years that have passed, I've somehow become less of a human because I didn't die as much inside. I guess I've come to terms with the fact that one of the people I admire most in the world is crazy as a drunken hobo on acid spiked with heroin. But at the same time I think that one of the honorable gentlemen that drove her to where she is today is one of the very gentlemen that's driving my every-day actions: I need to please everyone.
Although I've done much better than my mother in that respect, since I've so far done a damn fine job of being my own person and not giving in to *everyone's* requests. But I always catch myeslf bowing to others, doing whatever I can (even subconsciously) to please that person, and bending over backwards to keep the peace....
It may be the few beers I've had this night, or it may be my logical sanity breaking through and telling me the truth, but I feel that I'm beginning to hate people, because people fail you, people aren't reliable, and people go crazy when you least expect it.
Good night and good luck.


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