You've Been Asking ... Here It Is ... Your Sex Advice  

rm_talldarkavg1 105M
15586 posts
9/6/2005 10:45 am
You've Been Asking ... Here It Is ... Your Sex Advice

I cannot begin to tell you about the bags full of email I get daily with sex questions. So I won't. Let me say this, I hear you, I feel your pain, and I'm here for you!

DeepSocket from Maine writes:
Dr. Tall I need a new thrill. Sex just isn't as exciting as I want it to be. Please help me.

Dear Deep:
Here's what you do. Go to an adult store and pick up the John Homes 24 inch model. Stop by your local arts and crafts store and grab a wad of clay. Shove the dildo in the clay, shove the clay into your garbage disposal. Climb on the sink, mount the dildo, turn on the disposal. You're welcome...I'm here for you.

LoadedLoins in Idaho writes:
Dr. Tall I need something more. I tried that apple pie trick I saw in American Pie and it was good. But not great. I need great. Please help me as I am filling up as we speak.

Dear L²:
2 words...sponge cake. If you need additional stimulation, pile 8 or 9 encyclopedias ontop of the cake. Don't worry about the cleanup as I'm sure you've never read them anyway.

I'm here for you. No matter how odd you think your question may be...I assure you...in my world...it's normal.


[blog talldarkavg1]


five_speed 41M

9/6/2005 2:05 pm

Dr. Tall, I hope you enjoyed your time away over the weekend. While yuo were away, I discovered I am being cyber-stalked by a very attractive, very intelligent blond woman from Texas. I don't know what to do! On one hand, she really scares me, because she's so purty and so smart, and well, she's Texan, and I would run for the hills, ... but on the other hand, I'm even more afraid of running, because I know that will excite her even more and when she catches me, man, I'll really be in trouble! What should I do? Please help!

Signed,
5Speed

PS while you were gone, I was working hard to make you proud, pappy. When you have time, stop by and see me.


SoljerBlu 39M

9/6/2005 5:42 pm

I guess it just takes an insane prevert to recognize another. But here's my real problem. My left hand has become insanely jealous of my right, and the total non-cooperation is becoming a very annoying thing. Leftie even conned me into frogging rightie while he wasn't looking. Only a real woman can solve this shit.


Barbiebunny69 43F

9/6/2005 5:54 pm

TDA,
WHen I was in bed with a man he tried to pound me so hard he knocked himself out cold (his head) on the headboard.. I gave him 2 asprins and told him to call me in the moring.. but he didnt.. A year later he remembered what a great f-ing i gave him..should I accept his invite or was he playin it cool? Or did his head injury give him amnesia? Im still a lil bitter about the inicident because i diddnt get off because of that clumsy stunt.

Signed,
Bunny headboardbanger


rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
9/6/2005 6:00 pm

Hrm...Dr. Tall, please take into consideration when replying to 5Speed's question that he has been spending a LOT of time in the hot tub with travelingintexas lately. Who knows, Trav might have bought a wig.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


jungandhorney 42F

9/6/2005 8:35 pm

five speed---> Consider yourself blessed!!!!!!!

***will be contemplating the garbage disposal idea........damn......don't have one.............


DefiniteTrouble 50F

9/6/2005 10:11 pm

Hey 5? I don't live in Texas babe...I live in Tennessee. Uh huh...muuuuuuuuuuuch closer than you expected. Better lock those doors...

I have a place just outside Dallas...travel there quite a bit...I love Texas


DefiniteTrouble 50F

9/6/2005 10:12 pm

I'll be heading to Hobby Lobby tomorrow for clay...


rm_1hotwahine 63F
21091 posts
9/6/2005 11:19 pm

Dear Dr T

I have a problem. The _ on my keyboard is _tuck. Every time I try to write _omeone about _ex, they think I'm talking about my _on'_ father. What _hould I do?

Wahine

P_: reply _oon. This is a real pain in the _

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


CuteAZguy27 39M
1545 posts
9/6/2005 11:37 pm

Dr. Tall

As woodstockhippy's explained about jealousy between the two hands, I have a problem going around and slapping zombies with firm tits in the butt, and some of the firm tittie zombies i pinch their butt as my hand is releasing....apperently they don't like this, and i have to run away before my brains get sucked out and the worst part is-I find them at the weddings ! Help me, what to do ?

young man from Arizona AKA>< CuteAZguy27


rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
9/7/2005 6:30 am

Dear Dr TDA,

Here on AdultFriendFinder, I had a *ahem* gentleman suggest he could "bang the lining out" of my pussy. I was wondering, do you know of any place that can re-sleeve a cat?

sj


rm_CookieLips2 61M

9/7/2005 8:02 am

Hey TDA, perhaps you can solve this one for me as it has become quite annoying. My Girlfriend obviously has an ear fetish. Every time I try to put my cock in her mouth she turns her head. She turns to the left more than she does the right. I don't get it, she is right handed. This whole thing is not my idea of aural sex! Any ideas?


five_speed 41M

9/7/2005 9:12 am

DT, sorry for the mix up. I missed that little detail when I checked your profile. Something about your pictures draws my attention away from other parts of your profile.... Please disregard what I said in my email about Texas then. Boy, do I feel dumb...

*opens door and looks in the parkng lot. Closes and locks door. Locks windows. Leaves the curtains parted.*


rm_Balanon2 49M
193 posts
9/7/2005 5:33 pm

1hotwahine, I'd suggest using 'z' for 's' until you get a new keyboard. Everyone will think you're a German dominatrix, but that actually workz for me! Now for my problem...

Dear TDA, I was finally getting some action last weekend. That is until I got thrown out of the wedding reception and black listed. How can I get invited to more wedding now? Please help before I have to resort to funerals.


LoveHandles686 68M

9/7/2005 6:43 pm

Dear Traveling,

Isn't that a hoot, I love it when that happens. Have you had any change returned yet? The quarters hurt like hell when they hit.


LoveHandles686 68M

9/7/2005 6:47 pm

Dear sj,

Can't say that I know anyone with those skills. Just bring it round here and I'll take a look at it.

p.s. Dr. Tall wasn't answering his mail and I didn't want to keep a lady waiting.


rm_1hotwahine 63F
21091 posts
9/7/2005 7:06 pm

Oh and by the way, while you were gone -- Traveling tried to steal all your boobies. I think you need to have a "talk" with him.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


Barbiebunny69 43F

9/7/2005 8:01 pm

Humboldt,
Ill assist you..*gets WD40*


sweetthang2877 40F
534 posts
9/7/2005 8:58 pm

LMAO!!!

I can't decide which is more funny...the post itself or the comments that ensued...ROFL!!!

Now, Dr, Tall...
I went to the coke machine earlier to get a drink (soda, pop, whatever) and there was this guy hugging it...I think he needs help!

Oh by the way...the garbage disposal is a no-go....more later...


five_speed 41M

9/7/2005 9:04 pm

Travelling, I'll bring you a tub of vaseline, turn my back to save you some indignity, and smack anyone that gets too close, just in case Dr. Tall is on call.

Once you get loose, I reckon we'd better not talk business in the hot tub for awhile. People are starting to talk. (so I'll meet you in the sauna instead)


rm_lickmepretty 51F
851 posts
9/7/2005 10:15 pm

(gives dr Tall a cum hither look)(biting gently on the tip of her fingernail while running her tongue over it) Um, what was the question?


rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
9/8/2005 12:05 am

5Speed, you brought him vaseline and you expect us to believe NOTHING has been going on between you two? The man has his *ahem* frontal anatomy stuck in a vending machine, so what, you are gonna grease up his backside while he can't move?

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


five_speed 41M

9/8/2005 11:09 am

Daphne, I actually have not touched him! I swear! But now that you mention it, if I did try to lube up his back side, I'll bet that would motivate him to REALLY try to get free. Let me find some gloves and a spatula. Gonna need a bigger tub of vaseline too.


your_gypsy 51F

9/8/2005 11:56 am

(screams with laughter.... )

(deep, deep sigh....)

(lights cigarette...)

thank you, tda/everyone... these gang bangs are wonderful!


rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
9/8/2005 12:29 pm

5Speed, go to a vet's office, they have those shoulder length latex gloves for checking pregnant mares. That should work with Trav too. You might consider painting large red arrows on his ass checks, sort of directing the way.

I hope the doc stiched TDA up real tight after surgery. I hate for him to pop anything loose when he finally reads this post and all the responses. I think we should just keep going until he gets back. It'll take him a week and a half to respond to everything.

Yes TDA, I AM an instigator. Never turn your back ona blogger. Just ask Trav.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


rm_Balanon2 49M
193 posts
9/8/2005 3:28 pm

what?... oh, opps... sorry, traveling! I just wanted a Coke.

Can I have my change back? Uh, nevermind... you just keep it!


Barbiebunny69 43F

9/8/2005 6:29 pm

Quick stat.. someone run down to Kmart,,I need more WD40! This is a bigger job..looks down at Travs pink parts...than I realized!!! Ooh opps Trav dear.. (thats gonna leave a mark)


rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
9/8/2005 11:45 pm

Trav, if you can bend down and chew yourself free, why did you ever leave your house in the first place? Many guys have said if they were flexible enough to do that they'd never leave home.

Okay, there is a difference between chewing and sucking, but if you can reach it's your choice ofwhat you can do.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:22 pm

5 speed

NEVER run from a Blonde. They sense fear and will pounce almost immediately. The best bet is a distraction. I usually carry an extra mascara just for such purposes. Toss the mascara left, throw a hip fake, and bolt right. You should be OK.

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:31 pm

Woodstock ambienvy is not uncommon. Begin with small words of encouragement for leftie, and reciprocate to rightie. Remember charm and talking. If that fails...pour beer over the loudest hand and wait for him to pass out.

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:34 pm

Barbi

Headboard amnesia is a terrible thing. However, men have been using that as an excuse for centuries. It was fist coined by the British rouge Harvey Wallbanger and men all over the planet jumped on the bandwagon. Harvey bumped his head...faked amnesia and then went off on 6 other dates that evening. I suggest you never speak to that creep again.

Better yet...come over to my place and make him jealous!

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:35 pm

Daphne thank you for the heads up. However...I AM a professional. You can't pull the wool over my eyes, I wear cotton. I suspected as much. Trav is into wigs. Well that's what I heard through the grapevine at least. Thank you for your warning.

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:38 pm

Dear Wet

I assume you have a Great Dane and the white rabbit is your Volkswagen. I wouldn't be too concerned since VW beefed up the metal in their rear hoods. If this persists much over a year...have your dealer fit the car with a smaller exhaust pipe.

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:38 pm

Jung no worries I have an extra...and make house calls!

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:39 pm

DT...please address me in the form of a question.

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:40 pm

DT remember...modeling clay!

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:45 pm

Wahine do not worry, I am here with help. The problem will go away in only one day. How? Arrange each word carefully and omit the problematic letter. Notice...I did. If that would happen to fail...put in a number to replace it. Confu7ion work2 wll with men. He'll think it'0 a code and he'll be amu2ed for hour1.

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:48 pm

Young man from Arizona

I feel your pain. Butt pinching is a common problem in Arizona. I really wouldn't worry too much as zombies are fairly slow moving critters. Butt pinching should always be followed with the obligatory tweek. It's just proper protocol. Zombie or not...mind your manners.

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:50 pm

Risky that would work...however...your garbage disposal will yield 5,200 RPM's. Your potters wheel will burn out trying to keep up. Then again...so might you.

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:54 pm

SJ relining is gaining a lot of popularity in California. Mostly Beverly Hills. I would discourage you from having this done since too many times they hire upholstery people for this relatively simple procedure and you could wind up with a nice tuck and roll but not much eye appeal. Instead, try turning the lining inside out. If you need help, stop by.

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:56 pm

Cookie sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. You may have to tolerate the occasional ear poke. You do have options. A funnel works well, heavy sedation, or my old buddy...duct tape.

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:57 pm

5 speed...reading is highly over rated anyway. Stick with your phonics booklet.

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:58 pm

Traveling I do not make MALE house calls sorry. However, here is an excellent opportunity to knock out some military presses or curls. The stretching action should prove beneficial.

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 1:59 pm

Travel...
Wm Shakespear..."Thou doth protest too much"

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 2:01 pm

LMAO Honni...I would pay handsomely to watch that machine get yanked from its position. LMAO...can't wait to hear the noise it makes too!

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 2:03 pm

Ban first off, stop using Z's. Women think you're not listening to them and nodding off. The wedding thing is hit and miss. I prefer divorce parties to weddings.

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 2:05 pm

ST...DO NOT talk to the man stuck in the machine. Wait until he's finished and falls asleep to get your beverage. A little FYI...you want to use a different machine since it is liking the pop out of this one will explode when youi pop it open.

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 2:07 pm

Lick...I have no idea either. So? Keep doing that!

[blog talldarkavg1]


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/12/2005 2:09 pm

Jiggly if you find an answer to that one let me know! I have been trying to figure it out too.

[blog talldarkavg1]


Barbiebunny69 43F

9/12/2005 6:24 pm

TDA..Ty I shall be over to your place at once...


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