|Blogs > rm_smosmof2 > Echoes from the sand pit|
What the Fuck!
I'm very upset at the moment. No place to direct the anger. No one to blame. Intellectually I know I'm just being a big baby, but dammit!
Couple of weeks ago I committed a whole bunch of my money on one of my credit cards into a "matchmaking" service. I went with the lowest priced option which guaranteed six introductions of carefully screened and matched women for possible long term relationships.
One name turned up almost immediately. She called just as I had finished reading the incoming mail that day with her info in it. We had a pleasant conversation for about half an hour. Since it was Monday, It was the first time I'd actually had two days in a row off since early January. I asked if she'd like to join me for dinner that night at a restaurant that was about mid-way between us. I'd been craving my favorite meal at that place for a couple of months now, but couldn't bring myself to indulge in a (relatively) expensive meal just to sit by myself. She begged off, saying that she was just coming off of a case of the flu, but that Friday would be the beginning of Spring break, and she'd have the week off and should have recuperated by the end of the week. OK, fine, I can understand that, one wants to be in optimal shape for an introduction under the circumstances. By Friday, I had my weekend schedule in place, and I'd be working 12 hour days both Saturday and Sunday. Hard to squeeze anything else in. So I waited for Monday, when I had another day off scheduled. I called, but she was coming down with it again, and begged off until the end of the week again. From 8PM Friday night, until noon today, I put in 28 hours. In theory, I'm off now until Wednesday at 4 PM. So I got home and called. We agreed to meet at 4:30. I had a couple of hours to kill, and I thought that a nap would be a good idea. This was at about 12:45. I set my cell phone to wake me up at 3:30 and laid down. Zonk. I'm pretty much learned how to pack sleep into whatever down time I have over the last couple of months, so I can keep it up when I need to the rest of the time. At 1:35 the phone rings, waking me up, but not enough to get up and answer it. She leaves a message. She's being overwhelmed by several things going on in her life, and doesn't think she'd be very good company, and is cancelling. She going to call the service and be put on hold for a while until she gets herself together again.
Intellectually, I understand. I don't take it personally, and in any number of ways I can sympathize. I'm feeling pretty defeated myself a lot of the time these days. My experiences on this site (other than Blogland) have only reinforced my feelings that everything is in a downspin that I'm powerless to control. That's part of why I decided to commit so much money to this service. I'd decided that any hopes I'd had of meeting anyone compatible around here were doomed to defeat. I couldn't even strike up a conversation with anyone.
I didn't expect this to work out, but at least expected to get a shot at trying to put things together again, to get another look in the mirror that someone else holds up to you when you meet for the first time. I just wanted a chance.
Emotionally, I'm devestated, and all of that is being channeled into a massive amount of undirected anger. I want to pick things up and throw them at the walls until they break, and then throw the pieces until everything is shattered into dust.
Dammit, I'm just trying to put my life back together again! My can't I even get one fucking chance to do it? I don't expect success the first time out of the box, I just need to try. Why has everything got to become so goddam hard?
I do understand. I do. That's why I can't direct the anger. She's suffering from many of the same problems, and just isn't able to cope. I do understand. But I just feel so thwarted, so frustrated that I'm not being allowed to try.
So now, I get to spend my days off alone again, and wait for the next introduction to come along.
I'm glad I've got you to talk to, at least, even if you're all just an elusive illusion that sometimes answers and sometimes doesn't. At least someone is out there looking, eventually. Sometimes I get tired of being patient. I wanna go out and kill something (not literally. It's a reference to the cartoon with the two vultures. If you're not familiar with it, let me know and I'll describe it later. My mind is full of that kind of random references that come up under assorted circumstances.).
I just wanted to try. I just need some company. I just need not to be alone for a little while.....
(Fade away, as the massive case of feeling sorry for myself sets in. If I can't be angry, I can be depressed. It's something I do very well.)
The attached picture is the full photo from which my #2 photo was taken. It was taken last May, upon the event of the dinner at Rain Forest Cafe to celebrate her 41st birthday. We both look so happy. I'd never have believed that she'd be gone six months later.
6/24/2006 9:35 pm
Would it make you feel any better to know that i had to cancel my first 'blind date' with a man i'd been talking to for about 2 months first via one of 'those dating services' then via yahoo. about an hour before he was suppose to start the two hour drive to meet me for dinner my daughter showed up at my work with yet another migraine...so one phone call later and a nice drive to the doctor's office I have not heard from him since....so don't take a missed dinner personally please. In your case ( at least in the one that you shared) it seems as though you should not get back to her...but in other cases sometimes the excuse, no matter how lame to you...may be a viable excuse |