Quest for Chemistry: Some highly subjective observations  

rm_smosmof2 67M
963 posts
8/7/2006 2:26 pm

Last Read:
9/2/2009 8:06 pm

Quest for Chemistry: Some highly subjective observations

I'm home. Walked in the door, fired up the computer, dumped my laundry into the hamper, took off my clothes, fed the cats, and logged in.....

Don't hold me to any of what I'm about to say, because absolutely none of it may be true.... it's all impressions made on my continuously paranoid mind, aided and abetted by a fair amount of impartial observation (it's only impartial because you wouldn't get involved, twit!)

I tried to go into this gathering without expectations--easier to not get disappointed that way.... I had only one item on the agenda--get someone with a digital camera to take a picture that I could use for my profile that would give people a better idea what I really look like....

But of course I had a secondary agenda, that I couldn't admit to myself--to admit it to myself would have indicated that I sometimes have hopes, and that wouldn't be good for my self image..... I went there looking for a spark of chemistry somewhere..... I think that I suffered somewhat from arriving late--some people had been around since Tuesday, and I certainly got the impression that certain relationships were already fermenting by the time the rest of us walked in. The major personality clash had occured off screen, at the dinner held the night before, where one attendee was appearantly running enough attitude that he succeeded in getting on a number of people's nerves pretty intensley. He seemed to have realized it was a bad mix, and showed up only briefly during the weekend to drop something off for someone else, then he disappeared again...

Back to's hard for me to read anything properly... I'm hyper aware at this point that me tendency to hang back is detrimental to my own welfare. I'm still paranoid that I did, or said, or printed something during the course of the weekend that upset someone, somewhere, and I'm not sure that anyone will ever be able to convince me otherwise--I'm just that much at a loss..... Nevertheless, I did try, I think, to check for chemistry, avoiding a couple of people--(anyone who was part of a couple was off limits) and trying to figure out which ones were paired off already, but not particularly obvious about it. I thought I had a couple of those spotted, but sometime Saturday, whoever was calling the dance seems to have made a "change partners" call, and everything shuffled around, and I'm not sure that any of what I thought I'd seen before had ever really happened. By that time I'd (semi-deliberately) taken myself out of play anyway, so it really didn't make any difference, but I don't think I ever did figure out how the protocols worked, or what the right way to approach someone would be.

So here I am, home again. I had a good time, no question about that. But I feel discouraged. I got an answer to a question that I don't like, but don't know how to do things any differently than what I did, but clearly what I was (or wasn't) doing did not work completely in my own self interest.......maybe part of the problem is that I'm reluctant to intrude or impose myself into someone else's life if I can't make some kind of real contribution. ("Hello, you're beautiful, would you like to fuck?" just doesn't qualify.....) I suppose I also doubt my own ability to contribute much of anything from my particularly isolated perch (isolated both socially and geographically).

I'm even reluctant to complement individuals, for fear that I'll leave someone out and hurt feelings.....

I'm tired.. I know that. I haven't slept enough the last couple of days, and need to get some sleep before I go back to work at midnight, but I had to get some of this down onto virtual paper, and hopefully out of my head.....learn from my experiences, but don't let them drag me down....

Thanks to everyone for a lovely time and an interesting education.

keithcancook 60M
17830 posts
8/7/2006 3:09 pm

Hmm, perhaps you're over-analyzing yourself here. Loosen up and have a good time at the next "Be-Bop-Tango".

Blog On!

rm_smosmof2 replies on 8/7/2006 4:02 pm:
Me? over analyzing myself? that's redundant....

Welcome to one of those shrines of self emotional flagellation.....

moonlightphoenix 45F
6508 posts
8/7/2006 3:47 pm

I think you got an invaluable education first hand that you couldn't have gotten anywhere else.

Things are not always as they seem.

It's also really hard to get a good grip on slippery things without someone else's input. I know from years in this area that sometimes you have to just throw yourself in the middle and see what happens. Most people will surprise you.

But GREAT FOR YOU!!!! You really really did some amazing things by going and checking it all out. Give it some time for the dust to settle and then take re-stock.

Can't wait to hear more.

rm_smosmof2 replies on 8/7/2006 4:00 pm:
I can guarantee you you'll hear more....

curiousinlorain7 59F

8/7/2006 6:37 pm

I just want to say ... ... welcome back!!! I missed ya, (for some strange odd reason I wanted to type I missed you, slugger, go figure) I'm glad you are back to drop off both thoughtful and sometimes irreverent comments on my blog.. big hug to you. I'd have dance wif ya... of course after i stepped on your toes you'd be out of future dancing .... really, welcome back

rm_smosmof2 replies on 8/7/2006 7:41 pm:
Thank you, dear.... It's nice to be appreciated...

absolutelynormal 56F
6563 posts
8/7/2006 8:36 pm

You're not alone in how you feel about yourself. All of us are filled with doubt, especially about the way other's view us. I agree with Keith, lighten up, loosen up. You stayed pretty much by yourself just in my observation. I, and many of the people there have a tendency to do the same thing. I had to make myself NOT not talk to people like I usually do. When I last saw you Sunday, you seemed to be enjoying yourself, sitting there talking about science fiction with some of the others. It's often harder for me to allow someone to like me for who I am, rather than trying to impress them. Of course, to be liked for who I am, I have to be willing to show people the real me. Was nice meeting you Mac

rm_smosmof2 replies on 8/7/2006 9:36 pm:
Thank you, ma'am... nice meeting you too... Finding out the number of sf fans in attendance was a very pleasant surprise for me, certainly.

rm_PurryKitty2 48M/50F
9753 posts
8/8/2006 3:12 am

You are right, "Learn from experiences" and move on!

I am sorry your trip wasnt what you expected.

Purry {=}


rm_smosmof2 replies on 8/8/2006 3:23 am:
Now, I said that I'd gone in without expectations, and I'll hold to that.....

Hopes and dreams? well, that's why I tend not to believe in such things... always leads to disappointment....

I'm merely learning my own limitations....and how to better work within them....

NSAAddict 42F

8/9/2006 2:29 pm

Hey Smo! I can understand what you're saying but I didn't get the impression at all that you were shy, imposing, repressed, etc. You're a great conversationalist and I really enjoyed meeting you Just another perspective to consider is that maybe some of those attending weren't primarily looking for chemistry but were just there to meet their favorite bloggers. I know at least that's where I was coming from and the meet exceeded my expectations by far. Now of course, having met everyone... my perspective for the next meet may very well change

rm_smosmof2 replies on 8/9/2006 10:15 pm:
Sounds like a reasonable premise.. and of course, I was kindof out of that loop, because I don't think most of the attendees knew who I was, coming in.....

Not sure I ever became anything more to some people than "the old guy".....

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