Declaration of intent  

rm_smosmof2 67M
963 posts
9/4/2006 5:35 pm

Last Read:
9/9/2006 6:12 pm

Declaration of intent

I'm tired of reading these mewling displays of self pity here.

I started one before I left work yesterday, decided I was disgusted with it, and deleted it.

I'll be back when I have something to say, and have quit feeling sorry for myself.



moonlightphoenix 45F
6508 posts
9/4/2006 8:23 pm

And I'll be here waiting.

Everyone needs to feel sorry for themselves sometime. It's all part of being human. The only way to move past it is to FEEL it and validate/process it. When you are ready, you'll move past it. It's not something that can be rushed or forced, beause that defeats the purpose.

Be human. Allow yourself that.


rm_smosmof2 replies on 9/5/2006 2:30 am:
actually, I don't know what to make of this current reaction.....

usually, when I'm like this, I'm so deep into feeling what I feel, that I can't objectively look at how I'm being... maybe the fact that I can look over the last couple of days of posts and see where I've been and notice that I'm not going anywhere else right now has gotten to me. I am suddenly impatient with myself.... I don't understand why anyone puts up with me....(but then, come to think of it, that's always true....)

I do appreciate your faithfulness to me, as well as the rest of my "hard-corps fan club" (curiousinlorain, PK, Mzhuny, Purrykitty, and Silkditty). With friends like these, there may be another end of the tunnel, whether I can see the light or not.....

QueenofBitches69 46F

9/5/2006 3:05 am

Can I get your help? [post 496252] Thank you!


rm_smosmof2 replies on 9/5/2006 3:41 am:
odd that this should come up at this time of year... I lost my cat to liver failure one year ago....

so hard for someone so young to have to go through the same thing....prognosis is not good, I imagine.....

curiousinlorain7 59F

9/5/2006 3:44 am

woohoo... i'm glad...i love it when the clouds disperse and the sunshine comes back in... warm hugs to you


rm_smosmof2 replies on 9/5/2006 4:43 am:
Clouds haven't dispersed yet....no sunshine here....

I'm just through talking about the gloom for the time being....

PrincessKarma 43F
6188 posts
9/5/2006 7:59 am

*pitches her tent to wait*

I'll be right here... *HUG*


The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma


rm_smosmof2 replies on 9/5/2006 9:06 am:
suit yourself.....

It may be a while.....

moonlightphoenix 45F
6508 posts
9/5/2006 9:11 am

"actually, I don't know what to make of this current reaction.....

usually, when I'm like this, I'm so deep into feeling what I feel, that I can't objectively look at how I'm being... maybe the fact that I can look over the last couple of days of posts and see where I've been and notice that I'm not going anywhere else right now has gotten to me. I am suddenly impatient with myself.... I don't understand why anyone puts up with me....(but then, come to think of it, that's always true....)

I do appreciate your faithfulness to me, as well as the rest of my "hard-corps fan club" (curiousinlorain, PK, Mzhuny, Purrykitty, and Silkditty). With friends like these, there may be another end of the tunnel, whether I can see the light or not....."


That really is one of the coolest things about blogging. Being able to look back and have a direct milepost to gauge things by. Sometimes when I go back and re-read mine, I'm surprised at what I was going through, or the way I reacted. Most of the time I don't even remember writing the posts, although once I start reading, I remember the event that transpired vividly. It's really like reading someone else's blog about things going on in my life. Is that a dissociation of sorts, or just a really bad memory??? I have no idea, but it's actually very helpful.

Wishing you the best, and hoping for a safe and quick return.

*pitching my tent right next to PK, and whipping out my handy-dandy bag of marshmallows*


rm_smosmof2 replies on 9/5/2006 10:05 am:
dammit, people!

I'm not worth it. I don't know what you're waiting for. There are no such things as miracles.

I've carefully crafted this corner, creating almost enough to maintain, but certainly not enough to catch up, or reduce the debt right now. Can't afford another extravagance. I need to stew awhile.....

I have a lot of very emotional stuff going on in my head right now that it's hard to explain.....but when priorities kick in, functionality takes top place.... and the stuff in my head gets put away..... for a while.

I think I mentioned that on at least one occasion, I'd found myself in the presence of someone I have come to dislike intensely over the past several years. There are reasons..... there are always reasons.
When I found him there, part of a group of about a dozen or so, and he was at the other "side" of the circle. I was shocked that all of the emotional accumulation about him that I knew was there, just wasn't there. It's like that particular "nerve" had been anesthetized. I continued participation in the group, but never acknowledged him individually.....

functionality uber alles.

and the worst part is that I know that none of it is real. It's all in my head, and when I have to deal with other people it conveniently disappears.... I guess it hasn't caught on that this is a similar form of communication.......

What's real? (Laundry's done. Be right back.)

(in the dryer for 48 minutes) See, now that's real--if I don't do laundry today, I have no clean underwear for work..... result, laundry gets done. Everything else is so remote, or unachievable, that none of it seems to count.....

In the last month, I've lost four people who were "important" to me. Three of them left, which is, of course a loss to us all.... the fourth is upset with me, and so I have ceased to exist. I've apologized as well as I can, under the circumstances, and it's clear that I'm still invisible (did you really say that? ewwww). And I'm paranoid enough to think that I contributed to the departure of another........

When I'm alone and not typing or Zumaing, or something...my head gets full of stuff about what's going on, what isn't going on, dredged up memories of "when things were better" intended as incentives and ending being torture devices. and as long as I'm home and doing something, they run in the background, but don't interrupt the flow of the typing or the ability to land the right colored ball just where I want it. Put me in public, and everybody shuts up. It's like a fuckin' cave in here, and I'm tryin' to deal with the world.

My goal for the morning is to have the drying done and brought up to the apartment no later than 10:30 so I can get some sleep....

I've been babbling, haven't I?.....

papyrina 51F
21133 posts
9/5/2006 3:25 pm

aww hugs hun tiptoes back out


I'm a

and
i'm here to stay


rm_smosmof2 replies on 9/5/2006 4:09 pm:
thanks for coming, dear.

Howcum you're wearing your habit again?

always nice of you to come through here.....

absolutelynormal 56F
6563 posts
9/7/2006 11:05 pm

I know how you feel. I've bene pulling my own posts for the same reason. Feeling pretty much the same way about myself too. I didn't really get to know anyone in ATL. I am timid by nature, I judge myself much too harshly and as a result I often sit by myself with nothing to do. I am a decent person, I am kind and generous, I am smart, I'm not ugly but when I think of "me" I some how fall very short of where I am supposed to be (where that is I have no clue).

When I think of you, I think of a man who is very intelligent and kind and yet you are having difficulty seeing yourself as that. ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR????? Feel better Smo, Mac


rm_smosmof2 replies on 9/7/2006 11:44 pm:
kind? where'd you get that idea?

I'm sorry now that I didn't attempt to be more aggresive about getting to know you once you showed up. Saturday was just too busy, and no matter how early you got there in the week, there was still stuff going on before you got there.

Intelligent is something I'll actually 'fess up to.. more than that, it's the one aspect of myself that I have depended on my entire life. Thing is, I can't find any use for it.... xgf did much better in college, just through sheer determination. Not sure I've ever found anything worth that kind of sheer bullheadedness...

thank you for your comments, and the visit....

GoddessOfTheDawn 105F
11238 posts
9/9/2006 12:40 am


~hugz~ 'n fingz....

and no more shit about not being worth anything, k?


rm_smosmof2 replies on 9/9/2006 1:00 am:
???

Whenever I start posting again, I will be in a better mood, or I won't be doing it.

Don't know when that's likely to be... I was looking at the smile on the face of my profile picture and felt like smashing it in earlier tonight, so I doubt it will be soon.

I do seem to be capable of dropping comments elsewhere, but actually writing a post that represents who I am doesn't seem to be possible right now, unless I go back to the tone of the last few posts I did, and I can't stand him even more than that smiling fool in the picture.

Which is not to say that I don't appreciate you dropping by... I'm delighted actually.. I think it's the first time I've ever seen you here, but then I imagine you know all kinds of back doors through which you can pass unseen....

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