rm_sexypinay16 44F
389 posts
4/21/2006 5:12 am

Last Read:
5/30/2008 9:34 pm


My recent post is far by the most revealing post I made about my life. In the past I always talk of pain, sorrow, loneliness, but I dont directly explain everything. When I wrote it down, I was hesitant. I have edited it for more than 10 times. I was afraid and too hurt to write about it. To identify the real events and see myself and my life. I was too afraid to tell evrything , its unfair for my husband. I felt like a traitor when I did that. But then I started to jot...few revealing things about him. But as I am writing my posts, I realized the deep pain thats was buried in me. The anguished and sorrow was uncover within my soul. I was trembling with pain and fear while writing it.

Something was awaken within me. After I finish my post , I surfed the internet , looking and searching for information about ABUSE. This is the word that keeps on hanging at the back of my mind ever since I got married. I dont like to know it nor to identify it for I am scared that I might be wrong, I am scared to the truth. In the past I keep on burying all the pains and dark memories i had inside my home. I always tried to pull myself together inorder to look good and happy but no one knows and no one understands how it is to live in a home like that.

As I surfed , I went through the websites about women. While reading the informations,I could almost see myself in those women , I read. How I cried...and I still Cannot believe it , that I am one of them. I am scared and lost. I am afraid to face the ugly truth about my life. For years I tried to open this up and seek help to my family and friends but they told me that, its not that bad, I have to change him. That its was just natural for married people to experience such problems, so I carry on. But no one knows the details of everything Iam going through,

Icannot even bring myself to talk about it. I am ashamed people might think I am exagerating and I am making a big issue out of it. I kept on reading, the more I understand, the pieces were tied together in my mind, the puzzle was almost complete. Tears were streaming down , I almost wanted to cry out loud because of anguished at myself and to him. Puzzle complete...Iam one of them. I am living their lives. I am living their pain. I am living their struggles. The truth has come out after 12 years.

I emailed a lady in one of the website for counseling, told her everything, includng those deep dark experiences, she replied quickly telling me, that she was so devastated when she read my email. She promised she will get back to in a few days and we will talk. I felt a ray of hope. Someone understands me.

I am scared of everything about the real truth about my life now. I was ready to endure the pain and to continue but I cannot deny the memories of those painful events in the past. And he is coming back , I am scared and I wanted to run away.

Then i happen to chat with a lady friend here online, we talked of many things, about life ,men ,nd marriage. Then I suddeny got the courage to open it to her. Again..same reaction...same advice. Truth has becoming more evident. I cannot turn my back on it. We talked some details of it and it has relieved me so much to talk to someone who understands. People who understands yet they are willing to help me. Not unlike those people who understands but they were bounded by church dogmas and cultural traditions.
I really appreciate all the wonderful people who drop by my posts to give support in these long and difficult struggle.

Why is it difficult for me to come out and tell everything? its because I dont want to see the truth many times before. I avoid it and have ignore it . I just let things and hoping it will get better someday.

That night I when I went home. I cried so hard and learning the truth brought so much revelations to me. I cried for my life. For all the beautiful things my kids and I were deprived of. I cried for my soul and for the woman inside me. I cried for being so scared and alone in this land where divorce,and abuse were not given so much importance. I cried for I am living in a land where women were hurt and humiliated by their spouses and evrybody thinks its normal.I cried for all the women who were in this difficult situation like me. I cried for I know I am facing a long and difficult battle ahead of me. I am afraid. I might lose evrything but I am ready..

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

rm_sexypinay16 44F
311 posts
4/23/2006 9:32 pm

Hey Cool...its nice to hear from you. FAcing and fighting a battle like this is easier said than done.Its not easy for me to gather my courage and fight for my self esteem and confidence was assasinated by the people who have hurt me, Its not easy to rise above from this pain and to see that light , Iam doing it slowly with the help of few people I trust most. I am hopeful no matter how battered my soul and heart is. I am tryin hard to see the light amisdt these great pain . For years God has not forsaken me, even during those darkest times, He has seen me through , and up to this time , gropping in this darkness, I know God is holding my hand though my heart is blinded with so much anguished and pain. I thank God for giving me people who were so good to me , those people who have touched my life by their kindness and goodness. Just pray for me and my kids. For the moment I just need your prayers for me...thank you so mch for yor kindness. Your words means a lot in this battle. Dont worry I am ready to face and changed my life ....thanks COOL!!!

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

10 posts
4/23/2006 9:02 pm

the real fight begins when we stop running and start facing our problems...

But even after realization, we still have to go on... our lives don't end there, and we mustn't dwell too much on the past. Instead think of your future, what you want and how to slowly reach it. Not because we had a very sad past, that means that our future will also turn out that way. This is why we continue to fight and never give up, because we want our lives to change, we don't want to succumb to the fears and pains that we experience, but rather overcome them and learn from them, then finally let them go... when we let them go, we can finally start again on a clear mind, devoid of any fears or sorrows from our past. Your past may had been sad, but it doesn't end there, there's still a future to look forward to, a future to fill with joy and happiness, a future to fight for... life is tough, and the world is cruel, but somewhere along you should still continue to hope to find what you are looking for...

if i may, i would like to be able to chat with you sometime, to be able to listen to you, to show you that you're not alone... and also to share my experiences too.

always remember that you are not alone, we are always here for you if you need someone to lean on, to talk to or to just be there... we are here for you.

ArgosPlumyKooky 45F
3902 posts
4/21/2006 6:01 am

may you be blessed keep accepting and acting on truth

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