The Firstborn  

rm_sexypinay16 44F
389 posts
11/3/2005 3:19 am

Last Read:
6/30/2009 8:27 am

The Firstborn

I woke up last night to the loud cry from my son. John, is my youngest , six years old , preschooler. He is really having such dreams that made him cry even in his sleep. Rushing to his bed, I hold him to me...cuddling him ...and gently talking to him to soothe his fears...I stayed there in his bed holding him so he could go back to sleep. Ivan is my eldest , 9 year old is sleeping beside his little brother, his thin frail body curled up like a small cotton ball in their bed. He is too small and frail for his age not like John who is big, sturdy and healthy. I want to stay for a while to be sure that they will go back to their sleep. The light from the bedlamp luminates across their sleeping angels...they are my life...and as I watched them...I saw how grown they were now...they are growing too fast...I cannot help but go back to those days when I first gave birth to my firstborn Ivan.
At the age 21 I gave birth to 32 weeks premature baby...only 3.5 llbs..weak...ailing tiny babe...he was born prematurely. I was so young then...newly married..coping and adjusting myself to the new world that I have entered. I was 7 months pregnant with him when I was handling 80 students in class for a whole day. I was not allowed to file a leave of absence because I was newly hired and my hubby was out of work then. I cannot afford to stop from working because we dont have money to use for my labor. I was in my quest to please him. I dont want him to feel that I was demanding something that he could not give me so I know I must work for us. Not realizing the risk that Im doing to my baby. Our fights are also frequent then because we are both adjusting to the new life. I was carrying the load of responsibility in my shoulders to feed for myself and him and prepare for my baby's comming. I remember how hard I worked then and how lonely difficult it was to live with him. To be a silent follower of a relationship.

My education, my family, the way I look , are all his weapons agaisnt me. They are sometimes the reason why he feels so bad about himself and I dont like that...I dont want him to feel our difference because we are couples. And I wanted to loved him so much and share my life with him no matter what. I struggle alone to cope financially, emotionally, and physically. I cannot be a burden to anyone even to him.

Days went by..months ...and February 5 1996 when I gave birth to a 32 weeks old babe. I remember how young and afraid I am. I was afraid to lose my baby. I was so scared that he might not make it. I was in the delivery room, my hands are so cold, im trembling, I was to deliver the babe without any anesthesia or pain reliever because he cannot bear any medicine because he was so weak, so my OB told me to bear any pain so my baby will be alright. She told me to be brave so my baby will not feel scared. When I was done ...I could hear the shouts and claps of the people in th room because he was alive and crying. A nurse handed me my baby...I was crying so much ..I was so happy..I was looking right at a very small yet gentlest face that I ever seen. But he is so small..unusually small.. I

In the morning I woke up asking the nurse to show me my baby...So went down the nursery to see him and nurse him. I was surprised to see that he is in NICU ..he has a separate room..he was in the incubator...he is so small...I could barely tell if he was breathing...I could barely tell if my baby was moving...many tubes and machines were attached to his very tiny body. I was in tremendous pain to see him like that. I was so scared ...I cannot bear to see him like this...he was so weak...but he was fighting for his life. I feel to guilty for doing that to my son. Its my fault again. I didnt rest...I worked too hard...but what can I do? I was so hopeless and confused because the hospital bills are rising every minute. But during that time I was not afraid to spend a lot of money for my baby though I know I will only be the one who will carry that responsibility. If he was brave fighting for his dear life inspite of his tiny body and ailing health then I should be brave too to fight death and conquer my fears.

Those days are the darkest moment of my life. I felt so alone. We got home without my baby because he was left in the hospital because he was critical. But everyday I moved heaven and earth with my prayers. It was also then that I saw how alone I was with that battle. He gets angry at me when he sees me crying for my baby. He complains about the money ... we have cannot afford to spend that much...but who could blame me if I wanted to save my baby's life no matter what the cost is.

Evryday that God has made our marriage has turned to a battle ground. And I was the one who will worked things out and asked forgiveness to him because I no longer want to fight him. Because I have my baby to think of now. Many great problems must be taken care of before our fights. And I know its my really my responsiblity to take care of what ever problems because Im the woman of the house and i have my job, i have the means. I love my family I cant afford to see it from falling apart. But my soul was being ...torn apart each day...I cannot let my parents see how wrong I am in choosing the person I married, I wanted to them to see how well my marriage was. I was young but I feel so old that time.

Every day I go to the hospital to peek through the glass in the nursery to see how much he he he cries..Everyday I was looking for signs that he will live. That he will make it. I never get tired of talking to him..of telling him that I will never leave him..that I will forever stay with him . I was telling him evryday how much I love him and looking forward to the day that he will go home to us. A new hope was given to me in coming of my son.

I dont mind the hardships, the burdens, the physical strains and emotional turmoils because my heart and mind was focus on my baby's survival. so tired..scared...alone ..but deep withn me I feel like fighting for my son. I feel a deep sense of assurance that I will never be alone anymore.

But after a month in the hospital, our baby survived. He grew up each day slowly because he was so sickly. Ivan and I survived each test..each storm..I promised to God that if He will make my son better ...I promised to raised this child the best way I could no matter what. But with each passing day I grew older than my age. I was keeping to my parents the real truth about my marriage . We are fighting each day . I was trying hard to cope up and accept him but to each and evry little gesture he was hurting a very deep part of my soul. He was trying to change me into a person I could not become. Im trying my best to be like his mom. He adores his mom..he usually tells me then how proud he was of his mother I was also in my quest to please him so we will have no more fights. If only I will not complain there will be no fights as long as I agree to him and allow him do whatever he wished to do. I was blind and deaf to all his mistakes.

To every storm that passed me then, my baby my inspiration. I felt I was no longer alone in my battles because God has given me his most beautiful firstborn...Ivan. At the roughest times of my marriage it was Ian who have helped me through cope..he soothes my every pain..he calms my spirit...I could rememebr how I cried at the middle of the night while feeding him because Im in pain and I feel so burdened with responsibilities.

But inspite of the pain..the hardships..the loneliness ...God has given me so much. Sometimes gifts dont come in colorful packages ...they sometimes come in form of experience and the lessons we learned from it. God has given me the gifts of patience...wisdom...and serenity to accept and endure. And most importantly he has given me the greatest gift to be a mother of a most beautiful baby.

And now after 9 years, he was now in Grade 3, smart, intelligent , wacky, and lovable. He is still my kind and quiet baby until now. His health and body is still fragile but I see an unusual glint in my son's eye. I see courage in his spirit and wisdom in his innocent eyes. Never a day did I regret being a mommy to him and my second son. They may have put me through rough roads but they are worth every pain...every struggle... I now have little angels to help me pray to God. Because young children are ver near to God's heart. Im looking forward to more years of growing up with them...years of happiness..

I maybe young at that time but I know if there will be babies to come for me. I will accept them wholeheartedly. I sometimes wonder how many women in this world can able to get rid of their babies in their womb. If only they will realized how beautiful babies can be...and the great purpose they could bring to someone's life.

( then after two years I gave birth to another premature baby 34 weeks ...8th month old...John)

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

rm_hot_pinoy2k 33M
30 posts
11/5/2005 1:13 pm

true, whatever we experience is not in itself the end of our life. we just pass through them, and thus they contribute to the person we become. some get defeated by experiences, some refuse to be defeated. one has to make a choice between the two. it looks though as if you have made such a choice... goodluck.

i like the paintings you post too. keep em coming

rm_sexypinay16 44F
311 posts
11/4/2005 9:43 pm

hi...thanks for reading myblog..marriage is still the same though we live apart.

Sad to say not all of us are blessed with beautiful marriages . And i think its God's way of making me strong and wise so that someday I could be a better person for those people who are willing love and accept me. i love paintings those are not mine, i just search them . Nudity in painting amazes me, thats why I thought of posting them.

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

rm_hot_pinoy2k 33M
30 posts
11/4/2005 2:11 am

so hows your marriage going?

i take it that the above is a depiction of how things were early on in the marriage. ill be revisiting this blog sometime soon again. iv passed on reading the blogs a couple times before. and btw, who does the paintings you attach to the blogs?

rm_sexypinay16 44F
311 posts
11/4/2005 1:27 am

thanks was only now that ive written my experienced that I realized how rough my journey has been. I cried when I reread it again and amazed how I surpassed all of it..yes im blessed..i feel lighter now...thats why no matter what happened im not afraid bec i have two great people whom i loved so much and they love me in return. Thanks Jim...big hug for you..mwah!!!!

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

jim5131 55M
1296 posts
11/3/2005 3:33 pm

(I need to wipe my eyes a little before starting...)

God Bless you and your children, nobya..I am amazed by a woman's love for her children and stunned by some parents' lack of it.

God doesn't make mistakes. Everything He does is for a reason and it's evident He wanted to give you someone to love you for the rest of your life...and someone you can love as well...and you have been blessed twice. The lessons you learned from your children made you a better person and made your children better people. Those around you also learned of your strength and character and have grown to admire you and love you for it.

This personal, spiritual and parental growth is what many people won't get unless they've been touched by someone such as yourself. I see wealthy and priviledged kids that have no respect or love to or from their parents. All of their wealth will not bring them closer together. You have a gift that no money can buy. It is one you earned by tears and pain. God Bless You.

You are going to be just fine. It will be exciting to watch you soar...

see my comments in [blondeneedssex]'s latest post and on [curious082385] on related topics.

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