rm_sexypinay16 44F
389 posts
10/26/2005 1:04 am

Last Read:
6/30/2009 8:22 am


I came home late last night, kids are already sleeping and very safe in bed but Im relieved to find out that they just had their supper and homeworks done. I headed straight to my room and took off my jeans and blazer...looked into the mirror and saw the lonely and sad woman staring back at me...bare footed..young.. with still a trace of innocence and lost in her eyes. Her eyes are great pools of sadness and pain. Long brown straight hair was now down on her soft thin no one will ever see will ever take hold of one will love or adore it...She just look like in her twenties when she is like that and sometimes people mistaken her for a teenager..but why is this young woman in the mirror so sad? The world doesnt know this...she won't let the world know..pity the lastthing she wants. A woman of great pride and dignity won't let her masked go. Tears are streaming down her face..I cannot afford to see her like this ..I must go to see my son...I wore my shorts and top, thinking that I wanted to see hug hold love them and most of all to feel that I am needed and loved by these two important people in my life.
I went to their bed and slipped myself into the sheets of their blanket...they are asleep now..peacefully...
I wanted to see kids. I feel so tired..and very very sad. Sadness that seems to tear every fiber of my soul. A great sorrow that seems to break me into million pieces. I feel so hurting like hell. I don't why. I don't understand...I stayed there holding my kids ..embracing them so tight ..crying ..want so much to tell them my pains and what hurts me. I want to feel their little hands on me and watch their innocent faces to ease my pain. I love them so much ...they are my great purpose in living life in this lonely cage. My heart is so heavy and my chest seems so full and my throat so tight...I wanted to cry so hard. And asked God why me? Why do I have to be like this? Why cant I learn to accept what He wills for me? Questions that seems so impossible to answer now. Am I so bad that He wanted me to live life like this forever? Why is being good is so painful? Why do good people suffer like this? Do I really deserved to go through this? Endless questions for thousand pains... I am a woman I have my heart ..I have my soul...battered...pained..damaged..broken...I was crying so hard lying there in my son's bed holding him so tight, thinking they are the only people in this world who will love me forever and who will be with me in all the days of my life. The strong beautiful woman in the eyes of the world is now she is, masked was now unfolded..stripped naked ..only to find a a woman who is so alone..hurting...battered. I know my kids will nver leave me and if someday they will grow up I will let them go because I love them so much and I wanted to be happy. It doesnt matter now if I will be happy or not ..what matters is Im still alive and I have my kids. Tomorrow is another day...another sorrow..another pain...and I don't want to see it again. I want to stay in this room with my kids forever.

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

rm_sexypinay16 44F
311 posts
10/27/2005 7:39 pm

thanks Jim...Eleven years in a lonely marriage ( i dont know if I can call it a marriage ) and seems to be no way out except to go somewhere is painful. Eleven years of struggle and living in a greatest lie is heartbreaking. Just check your email... thank you my friend.

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

jim5131 55M
1296 posts
10/26/2005 9:44 pm

Oh Pina...nothing in our lives happens without reason. This fire you are living through forges your spirit and strengthens your heart with resolve. It will create a lasting bond between you and your children that they will never forget. It will become part of their character.

During my painful years, I would lie awake at night for hours. Unable to sleep. Thinking about what the future held. Depressed. Hurt. Alone.

The only thing I could do was lay down next to my sleeping youngest son. He never knew what therapy it was to listen to that little, innocent breath. That soothing warmth. The one thing that made life worth living. When he woke up in the morning and smiled, it was the best way in the world to wake up. Like all the troubles were washed away. Innocence. Hope. Faith.

Your problems will pass, as mine did. You will look back at these times and help those in need. Because you've been there and felt that pain, too.

God Bless you and your children.

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