|Blogs > rm_sexxielynn > Lynn's Loft|
Went to the funeral of an aunt recently. We weren't all that close, but I did spend a bit of time with the family as a child.
There were two parts of the day (and the days since, frankly) that I found very difficult. The first is a feeling I get at all funerals. The remorse at not spending more time with the person. Why is it I can make time to go to a memorial or service, but I can't seem to find the time to go visit the living? Guess that is something that I will need to address as I move forward.
The second hard part was acknowledging the mortality of my own parents. This death of my aunt was very sudden and unexpected. Yes she was 80, but she was physically quite healthy (well apparently not as healthy as we all thought) My parents aren't quite as old (73 & 71) but their physical health is iffy. They get around ok, but my mom has had a series of "mini strokes" - so her mental health isn't the best, and my father carries a little pharmacy around with him for all the different meds he is on.
I am finding this the most difficult part of MY aging! I thought the wrinkles kinda sucked, and I remember when it wasn't possible to hide money under my bra-less boobs, but this facing the aging of those around me is even more difficult. I wonder if my parents lived closer if that would change the way I feel? We've joked in the past that the 700+ km's was close enough, but it's not so funny anymore. The irritation that sets in with my father as he picks at my imperfections may be something that I will come to miss. Will this 'dawning' make it easier for me to tolerate that behaviour, or will it still just piss me off? For some reason it is easier with my mom, I guess because her brain is slowly shutting down anyway, kind of gives us the chance at an extended good bye. Nothing sudden about dementia.
Not a particularly happy post, but I've never kept a pen and paper journal, so this is the first place I thought of to put into words the way my head has been leaning. Talking to strangers and writing out thoughts and feelings (and this combination of the two) is somehow cathartic, thanks for listening.
2/20/2006 5:16 pm
thanks for feeling comfortable enough to share with us. I dont think we realize how much people mean to us until they are gone. I know the past few funerals I have been too have almost made me feel guilty for not spending more time with my family.|
Hang in there,
2/20/2006 5:41 pm
Death is a part of life..but I also think of my own parents and their mortality also..you are not alone in your thoughts..sorry about your Mom's dementia, so terrible to slowly lose your mind..|
2/21/2006 6:47 am
Thanks for sharing!|
A very difficult subject no matter how you slice it!!
This "sharing thing" and indeed be very cathartic!!
I do wish you the best as you sort though all this.. and when you come up with the magic answer please do share because you are NOT alone in this and MANY people can benefit from such an answer! That is a bit glib... but my point is you are indeed not alone... and sharing here (or elsewhere) will continue to help you as well as those you share with!!
2/21/2006 9:34 am
So deep. Like you I lost someone close to me just before Christmas. My mother was 80'sh, sort of healthy, and we thought would be the one to outlast father.|
Not to be.
Mother nature, god, or the great creater had other plans.
She had a heart attack building in her, and on December 7th, her heart 'blew a gasket.' I di dget to test out my CPR abilities, and work along side the EMS guys.
Either watching someone die before you, or having to make the decisions of not going further for someone who is suppose to be the person giving the care and attention is somewhat daunting.
The best advise I can offer having been down some of the road you are travelling is to remember, that we have no ultimate control over when humans move on to the next phase of life. We can only help people to make the transition, and to celebrate their lives while they are alive, and to do the same at their funerals.
Funerals should be about remembering the person and their lives, and the should of's, could of's, and would of's.'
The hard part of dealing with your parents aging is not neccessarily their death, it is the part between that and them getting old and frail. You are watching in most cases the people who were and are the rock of your lives, become more and more dependable on you for their well being.
It can be daunting as well.
I have been watching my father's brain shut down now for 8 or 10 years as he disappears behind the cloud of Alzheimers. It is a very difficult and cruel way for someone to go from this earth.
It is a saving grace though, when it comes to having to pay for newspaper for him to read. You can buy one for the year and it is new to him every hour he looks at it. (humour, humour, humouor, is the best medicine.)
Or it can be looked on as your time to return the favour of raising you. I prefer that version of my reality, than dwelling on the depressing part.
If I dwelled on the depressing part, I would definitely be inclined to do things neither of my parents would be impressed with, and to me that would be somewhat disrespectful to their memory and their attempt to make me in to a person.
As for the breast/cash dispencer idea. That could be hidden talent that needs to be re-explored I am sure. Now with the advent of the loonie and twoonie, you might have to rethink the idea of carrying small change and bills with you.
Nothing like having the money falling from heaven, or from under your breasts, while at a business meeting.
From what you have said here about that and from what I have seen, the idea has many images of sugar plums, and such dancing in my head. I guess the first is that it would make for an interesting design for an ATM to appeal to the male of the species. I can just picture how they would work too, all except for where the card would be inserted.
The casting of the facade of the ATM could also be fun too.