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A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate
that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on
it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter,
"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter"
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom
responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right
now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went
back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can
type that letter now."The child told her father, returned to her mother
and announced,"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already
wrote the letter by hand."
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.
A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"
The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The
man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish."
The sister said, "Oh, ok." The Sister took the fish back home and
said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked,
the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that." The
nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." So the Mother
Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior
said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly
fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!"
Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."
Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gaudd am Fish and I'll cook it." That
evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow,
what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the
Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish."
And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish." The priest looked around
in disbelief, quite shocked, and said... "I LIKE THIS F***ING PLACE ALREADY!
When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this
trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons.
I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get
your penis back."After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage
and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the
window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders,
looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked,
"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights.
Only after the water has drained will we be able to seeland. But why are you
acting so excited every day?""Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly _expression,
as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"