wipe your eyes , yesterday lausghs tomorrow cires  

DingyFlagsPorky 46M
10 posts
7/21/2005 12:13 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

wipe your eyes , yesterday lausghs tomorrow cires

Once again I find my self sitting here, with out intention, draw to writing , by I don't know what? A higher power, that is something that I have never fully belived in. Is there someone , or something that lays the path we follow out for us. Or is it as my ancestors belived, the gods give you life, and free will, nothing more. Are the greatest triumphs , and the greatest sorrows ,caused by me , or are they out of my hands. I am not seeking something to blame , just a greater understanding.

Why do things just seem to fall in place for some, and just fall apart for others. Or am I just a whiner, instead of a winner.

Yet now this bloq must take a different turn. I just got a phone call informing me of the death of one of my best friends mother in laws. She died of Cancer at a relatilvly young age, and new of her death brought back memories of my own mothers death , less then six months ago. The circumstances were simular, only instead of dying surrounded by her family, my mother died with just my and my brother there. The rest of the family couldn;t make it in time. She died on my watch, I had been sitting with her for hours , when the end came. When I was a very young boy, I did not get sick very often, but when I did, I got very very ill. My Mother would sit on the edge of my bed and stroke the hair out of my eyes and whisper that it was going to be ok. So I only thought it fitting that I should do the same for her , as she passed to the other side. She had been sick for so long , MS had robbed her of her dignity and freedom long before Cancer claimed her life. Her death was a release, her soul set free from the earthly prison of her body. Many times I have looked into the eyes of dying people, seen the horror and the fear that resides in them, only to be replaced by a calm, a peace like I have never seen before. The cemetaries of Manitaobia, and Sasktewan are filled with more friends , and loved ones than walk the earth these days. In all my tries and tribulaions , there has only been one person who was truly there for me, my mother. I have never complained for being the black sheep of the family, for feeling a destance from the rest of my siblings, they are so simular, and I am so different. I was once told , that in a past life , I had been a twin. The soul of my twin was my mother in this lifetime. I thought it strange untill I realized how simular the two of us were. We were both highly emitionaly people, often thinking with are hearts rather than are heads.

When my mother died , we gathered at my fathers house. My brothers with there wife, and boyfriend, my sister with her husband. Alone, like I always seem to be, at my greatest low points as well as my high, I slipped away and sat smoking in the dimly lit basement. My friends mother in law has died, and yet he and his wife have each other, a light, a flame, there love for one another to push back the darkness of this time. I had know one, and still do not, the darkness surrounds me , consumes me, is part of me. The last women alive that truly loved me is gone. Each morning I rise and cloth me self in the armor that the world sees. It camofluages the true me, that little boy that is still looking for someone to shooth his hair out of his eyes and whisper that it is going to be alright. A soulmate, to help light the flame against the darkness and drive it out of my heart and soul. When you live in darkness to long it takes root and can not be expelled.

Perhaps the time is to far gone for me. I have reached out my hand for so long , and there is know one to take it. Is this what the Gods have planned for me. A lonly live of sorrow, to set as a excample to ohters to value the love they have found. I do not know, I keep asking questions that have know answers.

Perhaps one day, I'll write a bloq about flowers and clowns , and puppys and ponies, perhaps not. For I must keep searching I quess, will this journey every be over? once again I do not know

dippy12441 38F

7/21/2005 6:19 pm

I've said it once and I'll say it again. You should be a poet. Your totally awesome. Alot better than the crap I wrote in my blog.

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