DingyFlagsPorky 46M
10 posts
8/14/2005 6:33 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm


Strange how sometimes things that are right in front of you are the hardest to see.I hae been feeling alittle blue the last few days, and the strain of thinks, as much as I tried , have found there way into my face. There are many things I have wanted, some silly , and some I felt I need, but a stable family life is something I belive in heart and soul, that not only I , but everone needs.

I posted a blog alittle while ago,about being alone, and yet do I really need to be alone. I have had sevarl women chase me in the recent past, but I always found a reason for not being with them. My coworkers, the only family I have, have said that I am just to fussy. Well I wasn;t fussy once, and the pain that it caused me, is a pain that I never want to feel again. I think that I would rather choose death,then to have to go though that again. So caucious, is the word I use , not fussy.

The other day I ran into one of the women, who had pursed me rather vigoriusly, even when I was with my ex. I remember my ex having alittle talk with her, about how I was hers and how she better keep her distance. Ironic I think now , for she was the one who fucked around behind my back, and yet she was so jealous. I ran into this women the other day, and was shocked at how she looked. She was several months pregnat, with the glow that only pregnat women can have. Perhaps if I had not been so choosy , the new life that grows in her belly, could have been from my seed.

Are these women I meet , really so uncompatable , or is it me. Is there something deep down inside that tells me I'm the one not good enough for them. I have never had much faith in myself, instead idolising others who I felt were better than me. One of my employees asked me the other day , whats wrong you seem alittle down, your not your usall self. I wondered , whats my usall self, sometimes I don't even know? I lit up a smoke and explaned to him , hes a good kid, and maybe I just needed someone to talk to. I out lined some of the problems, the gory details, behind this mask of happiness. He asurded me that there was someone out there, I just haven't found her yet. Oh the optimism of youth, how I miss those days, before the cold edge of reality striped me of all my faith.

The night at work dragged on, for what seemed a life time, and then I retreated to my little house, to seek comfort from the silence. After a restless sleep, I rose, late as usall and hurried into work. The boss in on holidays,and ever problem , big or small, found its way into my lap on saturday. On top of all my usally saturday duties, it made for quite day. But often the younger, and older staff members seek me out for both my knowledge and my help. My boss is a bit of a knob sometimes, a very moody man, and the feel comfortable coming to me instead.I work in a sub deptment on Saturdays,and yet last saturday, I was running the whole show, my boss being on holidays. My meat manager looked at me later in the day and said , Jesuis Christ what would they do with out you, its like the rest of the staff is clueless.

Clueless, is that what drives them to me, with all there question, some even kind of silly. Or is it because they seek my strength, my wisdom, my kind answers rather than rude responses. Is it a faith they have in me as a person, a boss, a human being that draws them like a moth to a flame. Perhaps I should listen more than talk, perhaps some faith in myself, the way others have faith in me is what I need. Faith, a simple word, that bares with it some many different things. How can I expect a women to have faith in me , when I have none myself.

I am a humble man, a passanger on planet earth. I have never blown my own horn. I belive actions speak louder than words, and its is time I took action. What it will be, or were it will lead me, I do not know, but a feel a rebirth of sorts coming on. It is time this catipilar sheds his cacoon, and the beatiful butterfly emerges. Well more like a moth .lol There I go again.

I shall leave you with these thoughts, my fellow blogers, as I go to take a shower. Perhaps under the waters, as it washes away my dirt, it shall also wash away some of these fears and doubts. Take care and may the love of the gods be with you.

AngelaMarie24 36F

8/15/2005 7:32 am

I really enjoyed reading this post.I hope you find what your looking for

rm_bella_ 47F
4030 posts
8/16/2005 8:57 pm

Sometimes there is a little voice inside of us scaring us into being alone...makes us believe we are better off this way or it is safer than taking the dare we put to to get past this block I have not found the answer to yet either.

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