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Yesterday I found myself in the middle of a family fight. A young lad I work with was mad at his parents, because he broke curfew by a few hours ,and for that they grounded him. I listened to him rant,and rave,calling his parents names, and saying how stupid they are.
I listened for abit, then told him he should be happy to have someone to care about him, I have no one. Particaly by choice,and partically because thats the way the cards have fallen. If not for being late for work ,I could lie dead in a ditch for days , before someone missed me. I have no family , to speak of at all , execpt my work family. Over the years I have made some very good friends , both customers and staff at my job. There was a wonderful little old lady, her name was Vie, who I use to call my adopted grandmother. It has been a very long time for me since I had grandparents. She died 4 years ago, and I still miss her smiling face and warm hugs that she gave me. Then there was Lionel, a tuff as nails , gruff old son of a bitch , with a heart of gold. I buried him last summer, and there is still a void in my life on my days off. I use to take him shopping , or to the store, or for a hair cut, because , although he had childern they had nothing to do with him in his final years. Oh they were there soon enough, to collect what little money he had after he died, the fact that he had to relive on a stranger for help often brought a tear to the old guys face. I helped him out of friendship, and I helped him out of love, and when he pissed me off as he so often did, I told people I helped him because like him I knew what it truely ment to be alone.
I thought about Vie and Lionel, on sunday, and I thought about my own family, so many miles away. I thought about my mother, how I had held her when she died,and how much I miss hearing her voice every sunday, because no matter how sick she was , she always called me on Sunday. I thought about my father,grown old and sick, living by himself in a house once filled with laughter, now all alone. I thought about all the times we fought, how many times had I told him I wish that he was dead, how many times had he stuck me for saying such things, and how many times now I wish I could take it all back.
I should be there for him, but here is were my home is, the cats in the craddle and the silver spoon comes to mind.For those that don';t know the song it is a song about a young man, who when he was a child , his father never had time for him. And when he grew up,and his father was retired, he never had any time for him. In alot of ways my father is a stranger to me, but the time is to late now, whats passed has passed,time marches on.
I thought about the family I once had, coming home to childern running to the door , happy just because I was there. Raiseing childern is tough work, sometimes even tougher when there not your own, but I never treated them any different then if they were mine. I that I longed for , I had, and yet it is all gone now, my empire of dirt. Sometimes I feel like the gods are teasing me, place things just out side of my grasp, or giving them to me, only to take them away. For each lost dream the pain grows stronger. Old memories weigh me down like a lead collar, and only new , brighter memories can free me. But the road is long and empty for me ahead. What the next 35 years will bring , I can not say, my hopes and dreams have abondoned me. I walk like a zombie though life, never really here, and never really gone.
I came home on Sunday , to a empty house, even my roomate was out of town. I paced it several times, my footsteps on the hardwood floors the only sound. I started and stoped several takes , till finally I said fuck it and slipped into bed, into the arms of sleep, my only mistress.Sleep, the only escape I have, diving into nothingness, all the cares of the world, and day forgoten.
I selpt for many hours, what did it matter, I was alone as usal, always alone. So my plea to all those out there, love your parents, treasure them, tell them you love them, because you never know when they will be gone. Tell your wife , and your childern everyday that you love them, cherish each day with them. Don't live a life of lonleness the way that I have. Take care and peace out.
8/12/2005 4:43 pm
What a beautiful blog entry..I agree with you, appreciation for what we have and what is...very important even though we all tend to forget sometimes, myself included.|