|Blogs > rm_piewinch > Up for the Down Stroke|
At his place last night, I snuggled in his arms and said "I like you tonight". He stiffened. "What, you like me again?... Actually, forget it, let's not talk about it." Then his voice changed. "I like you tonight, too, honey."
I woke up every hour on the hour. I couldn't sleep. I have never been known to sleep properly in a situation like this. When I woke up, he held my hand. He put my head on his shoulder. He said,"Just another hour." So I was calmed, and slept again. I dreamed, and I dreamed of the two of us - walking at the Imperial Palace at night, snapping boughs off hemlock trees.
Over dinner he had said,"I love you, but I don't want to make this emotional. I don't think you do either." He was businesslike and efficient when we woke up. "I held you last time, but I just don't have the energy for it," he said. He made coffee, took a shower, picked out a tie.
I wanted to cry but I couldn't cry. I felt lost again and sure of myself all at the same time. After he got dressed, we lay on the couch for five minutes. I pressed my face into his shirt and stroked his hair and said the most ridiculous things, but I couldn't get myself to weep.
We had fallen out of love but not so out of love that we did not want to say goodbye to one another. And by goodbye, I mean a proper goodbye. Goodbye like how adults say goodbye.
So that was the last time I saw him, but by then he had turned into a wax figure - frozen and unemotional, unwilling to respond to anything. Practical.
It was the last goodbye in the long string of goodbyes. Two months ago, I admitted to something I should not have; in that instant, the romantic, foolhardy version of him disappeared. One month ago, his voice turned cold during a simple telephone conversation, and I knew our relationship was over. But he continued to email me, and tell me he missed me...and so I knew he was not gone completely.
No, last weekend is the last I saw of him. We had stayed up the whole night in a love hotel fucking, and I could not go to sleep. It was the first time I'd seen him since the breakup, and I no longer felt like I loved him. But the chemistry of the equation changed once I fell asleep in bed next to him. I woke up feeling lost and uncertain. There was a bleakness where my heart should have been. I wanted to reach over and tell him about it, but I couldn't. Something about love and lost love and being afraid to fall in love again. I suppressed it.
He got up late that day, twenty minutes before checkout. We scrambled to get all our clothing together. I had to go to a movie audition, so I spent extra time brushing my hair. And suddenly it was eight minutes before checkout. We were dressed, and my bags were packed - bags full of all the things I had left at his house.
"Shall we?" he started to say, but then I threw myself at him.
And for the next ten minutes, he held me, while I cried uncontrollably. It was some of the fiercest crying I've ever done in front of anybody. It was grief and rage and loneliness, and obsession and disillusionment. It was a tidal wave that possessed me. And somewhere beyond the fall of tears, I could hear him saying, "Why the waterworks, honey?" He squeezed me and stroked my hair, and eventually he brought me up from the bed and pretended to ballroom dance with me. In his eyes I detected caring, and I could tell that it was real - whether it came from love or from guilt.
Then we were out of the hotel and saying our goodbyes, and I was on the verge of crying - no, I was crying again. "Did you ever care about me?" I asked. "I cared about you. I still care about you," he said, and it seemed genuine. "If you cared about me, how could you leave me? I guess I just don't understand, I'm never going to understand, it just doesn't make sense to me." "People have different reactions to emotions. Some people cry. Others run away. You cry and I run away."
Then he turned away to go, but as he left he turned back and waved. Once before crossing the street. Once after crossing the street. Once at the stoplight. Once before turning the corner.
That's the last I saw of my baby.
8/4/2006 8:32 pm
Seems like you are very shocked at losing love...Are you OK Now?
Was Japanese also OK?