You know not what is before you  

rm_phoundrx7 39M
498 posts
11/10/2005 2:32 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

You know not what is before you

I am always amazed at how many people underestimate my abilities. People see me, but they do not know me. Yet, they make assumptions of my abilities as a human being. If you only knew what I am capable of.

Well, guess what? I've got a list of what I am capable of. As one friend asked me, "what can't you do?" I can do almost everything.

I can:
Politics - I enjoy this with more of my being than almost anything else. If you knew me, and you knew my goal, you would root for me to complete my journey.

Cooking - I love to cook (which is part of the reason for the gut). From sides, mains, and desserts, I enjoy it all. The kitchen is my domain. If I'm in it, creating something, get out. If you don't, I'll kick you out. BTW, how does a German Chocolate Cheesecake sound?

Math - Anything, from accounting, to calculus. I'm a little out of practice on the calculus, but I used my calculator maybe 25% of the time, and still got the highest grade in my class. It irritates my friends because in the time it took them to use the calculator, I already had the answer. I love doing that too.

Computers - Stick me in front of a computer, and I'll pick it apart, learn it, and be able to teach you how to use it, build it, and put it all in a way you will be able to understand. I can write html in wordpad (not too good at java though).

Something painful to say (this is not going to be pretty, so read at your own volition).

My body has been torn apart by a lifetime's worth of torment. My shoulders are barely functional (I can barely lift an empty coffee urn over my head with my left shoulder, right works within 90% of normal). I suffer from an incurable, non-contagious disease called Acne Fulminans. Put it to you another way, in 91, when diagnosed, the doctors informed me that as many as 13 cases are reported each year in this country. That is as rare as the black plague. It started off as large nodes on the sides of my neck, eventually causing a drop of 40 pounds in less than 2 months, to be admitted to the hospital for a week-and-a-half (2 days before my 14th birthday). I had holes all over my skin, covering my face, neck, chest, and back, that would crust up, and cause me to stick to the sheets (imagine the fun of ripping yourself off the sheets after a night's sleep to go to school). Accutane for a couple years, prednizone also. Got moved to a town full of ignorant twits and morons who could only assume, instead of asking me what was going on (after health class in 9th grade, rumors that I had AIDS and herpes spread, which I found irritating, yet hilarious). Continued harassment by people (if you can call them that) throughout school. Discriminated against when I would go in for jobs. Had several that said I was hired over the phone, yet when I got to the interview, I either didn't get hired, or got a lower position. Ten years (almost to the date) after my first hospitalization, I had to be hospitalized again for cysts that caused an infection in my sweat glands under my arms & in my midsection, to where it would spill nothing but puss, bile, and other garbage out of my armpits & around my crotch. They had to go in, cut out all the problem areas (don't worry, nothing important got removed, and everything functions normally ) - ever smelled raw meat, and realized it came from you? The sight made me want to cry, but with my spirit & will, not going to happen. It only made me fight harder. About a year later, I had a sinus (not in the nose, but at the top of my ass) infection of a similar nature. They had to cut, all the way to the bone, the infected tissue out. It was a nice, large hole. They had gauze stuck in there, and I could turn it in place. When they removed it, the hole was big enough to stick my thumb into, and deep enough for it. Every time I think about that, it sends a shiver down my spine. I still have problems with cysts, and it will continue until I die.

Through it all, I have never given up, never given in. I have fought, tooth and nail, to make life better. I will not quit. It has made my will absolute, my strength unquestionable, and my determination infinite. My heart can never be questioned, because I have seen the worst life has to offer, from both my perspective, and through others.

My first hospital stay, there was an 8 year old boy with a stomach disease that caused him to be hospitalized once a week. A couple days later, a kid was brought in that was black & blue. His father and uncle had gotten drunk, and were partying on a cliff in the Portland area. They thought it would be fun to throw the kid off a 40-foot cliff, so they did. I was in the room when the doctors brought the family in. I saw the x-rays; everything was shattered, nothing was whole or in tact. The doctor's told the family that he had a 10% chance of living. The next day, after coming back from some tests, the kid was gone, the bed sanitized, and the mother of the 8 year old told me that's what they usually do when someone dies. That, more than anything I had been through, changed my life, and my perspective. My second stay, a guy was brought in from Spokane whose meth lab blew up on him. They also brought in a homeless man, who had had his arm broken for two weeks. They actually had to give him beer because of withdrawals. He lasted one day there. The first trip to the bathroom, he had to be helped. Second trip, he made it into the bathroom, but not much further. Third time, he just started pissing in the wastebasket (he wasn't a very good aim BTW). Another guy had gotten into a farming accident, and had to have some stuff (I don't remember the details) reattached.

I remember the pain I felt throughout every instance. I feel it today when I think about these things. I feel it as I write about it all.

Because life is such a special thing. It lasts such a very short time. It should be cherished, held dear, and shared with everyone. To know what pain truly is, to know that no matter what you go through, there is always someone out there worse off than you, to know that, when all is said and done, you have very little control over so much. It makes you realize that all the worries you have about the little things, don't mean a damn thing when compared to the big picture. That people who complain about how hard their life is, should take a walk in another person's shoes, and realize how insignificant their problems really are.

I wish you could see my face, to understand how it has affected me. To know that I wish I could solve all the problems, but that I know I can only solve a few, it pains me. But to fulfill my goals, my destiny, I will use my experiences to help others understand that things can be worse, but we can make them better, all we have to do is want to make it so.

For information on Acne Fulminans, go here: (just do a search. since they took out the link (to an informational website of all places)).

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