Scarred & Scared  

rm_phoundrx7 39M
498 posts
5/11/2006 10:51 pm

Last Read:
5/15/2006 12:40 pm

Scarred & Scared

Today was one of those days when you discover something you already knew, and feared, had just become a reality.

My life has undergone several radical changes relating to my physical well-being, and today was the start of another one of those transformations.

An old spot that had been operated on has come back, and shown itself. Something that, if I had health insurance, might not be a bad thing.

But I don't.

Now, I only worked a few hours a week, I could get on the OHP and I would be alright. But, in order to live, I have to have a full time job, and a full time job kills eligibility.

So, in addition to needing an alternator for my car, I need to have a section, or five, of me cut out (again).

The prospect of this, has me quite unsettled. I do not want to go through this all again. After having my life torn apart, put back together, only to be destroyed, and to repeat this process several times over, has taken its toll on me.

I know that I can recover, but I feel like breaking down. Like there's nothing left in the tank to fight with. And yet, I know, I have to keep going.

I need a better future than what I have provided for myself. I need a great deal.

Where to begin?

My only wish right now is that I knew what to say, and how to say it, to help others understand that as empty as my life is right now, and how devoid I have made it due to my own inactions, my own ignorance, and my own stupidity, that all hope is not lost. That I will not give up on myself, or others.

Is it a curse, or a gift? Both to me, at times.


rm_phoundrx7 39M
340 posts
5/15/2006 12:40 pm


demonicsexkitten 41F
10671 posts
5/15/2006 10:44 am


the joy of the working poor. too rich for assistance, too poor for insurance

rm_phoundrx7 39M
340 posts
5/12/2006 7:37 pm

thanks my dear.

And yes, you are right. Unfortunately, it seems that the moment someone gets close to me, I push them away. Happens with everyone, and is a problem that is necessary to end.

So many things to fix. lol

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