|Blogs > rm_philonymph > Pax et Amor in Perpetua|
Damn....when you're up, you're up.
Then things go down.
The cycle continues
round and round...
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
And it hurt.
I was betrayed by two people today.
The one was expected.
The other kinda caught me off guard.
Another who used to be considered a trustworthy friend. As painful as it was, thought, it's better to know than to wonder. Now I know I'm not paranoid.
I could've saved myself from this pain, but it's the pain that makes us grow, and growing is my top priority right now.
I knew it was his car when I parked behind it at her (used to be our) apartment.
I knew where they were when I walked through the door and no one was downstairs (the apt. only has 3 rooms).
I knew what had happened the night before when I saw the pile of his brand of cig butts in the ashtray and I heard soft laughter from the bedroom upstairs.
I had seen all this happen in a dream I woke up to not 2 nights before.
I could've walked away at any of these points and saved myself the pain of what happened next.
What I didn't expect was the total lack of guilt on her face when she came down the stairs and saw me.
No guilt...Just a satisfied smile that seemed to say, "Are you hurting now? Good."
Like a tree with legs, I chose to root myself on a windy hill, instead of the sheltered valley. When a tree is buffeted by wind, the trunk responds by growing stronger. The wind still hurts, but now the tree stands firm against the hurricane. The winds never cease, but every day the effects are less and less.
So far, so good. I still have my sanity. I still have my true friends. And now my trunk is just a little thicker...
What's the score here?....What comes next?
9/14/2005 12:46 am
well, on a more positive note, i can't see that a relationship made on the desire to hurt you will go very far... she's digging herself into a hole!|