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Sex and Love, Sex and Duty.
Sex and Love, Sex and Duty.
Sex and Love, Sex and Duty.
[sighs]. I'm chatting with my skype friend from Paris. Which has motivated me to update this blog.
I've been thinking about the reasons why I haven't had sex and why I remain a virgin at age 32. My friend in Paris says I am a cute guy and that it is, therefore, a paradox that I am still a virgin. This (sex) blog has been set up to explore that paradox.
I think it is fair to say that I have suppressed my sex drive, even to the point, of regarding it as an aberration of nature. I had developed this false conception of duty. Probably, it will also a result of not having any real friends of my own age of either gender when I was a teenager.
My conception of duty, developed in my teens, developed to the point, where I made a conscious decision, not to engage in any sexual activity. As if I didn't deserve to enjoy sex. As if it were wrong to do so. As if my virginity was something to be treasured. That saving myself, would be worthwhile in the end and, finally, I would marry a dutiful wife, to whom I myself, would be dutiful and we would have, at least, 7 kids together. Well, that's how I imagined it.
The result? I just didn't have any life to speak of - right into my 30s. My life consisted of waiting, waiting and more waiting.
And, now, I look back and I ask myself, waiting for what? Nothing...
I should enjoy my life. I should toss the cynicism aside and enjoy life and what it has to offer.
Another separate point. It seems to me that women who exhibit themselves in photos, in a sexy way, are actually very reluctant, in one-to-one conversations, to actually talk about their sex life. Is it because they are just doing it and have no time to talk about it? In my last blog post, I touched on this. I talked about the young women and how I mentioned the sexy site that her sexy photo she had sent me was linked to. She never replied. or, at any rate, not for the next 30 minutes, before I removed her from my contact list.
Women, sometimes, I do give up trying to under them.
Oh, another thing. What really annoyed me is that I put a lot of effort writing this sexually explicit posts. I got fired from a job for doing so in fact. And, yet, from time to time, I receive comments from smart asses who tell me to get a prostitute or ask me why do I get a prostitute and other deflating remarks of that nature.
It doesn't matter to me. It's like water off a ducks back. I will continue to post her undeterred. In fact, I always rise to opposition. I'm very stubborn that way. Perhaps, simultaneously, my worst and best quality.
But, I reckon when I contemplate sex, it makes me angry. It triggers anger in me.
It's as if by writing this blog (and I do, quite rightly, take this blog very seriously, I am confronting past demons and misconceptions and preconceptions and prejudices and other pain in the ass.
Which, of course, makes writing this blog all the more worthwhile. Even, if the number of visitors I get tend to be few and far between and, probably what few that do come here, are just downloading the sexy photos anyway.
Anyway, sex and duty do not mix. I was far too serious and sensitive...
But, I want to learn from my past mistakes.
Hmm,another thing. THis women who didn't reply to me after I mentioned the sexy website. I shouldn't feel guilty about that. But, you know what?, I did!! Why!!. I've talked about this before. The nonsense that is called "male chivalry" reinforced by movies where men are portrayed in heroic modes.. This idea that a guy is above everything. Even sexual temptation. What nonsense!!!. I'm only human. I have feelings. I have urges. I am heterosexual. It's part of who I am. So, why should I be ashamed of liking a photo of a sexy woman. Why should I feel that I let her down?
I just felt I was being honest. And I felt, at the time, the best way to be honest with her, was to be honest with myself first. Why should I regard "courtship" as a trial and a test? It shouldn't be. I should go with the flow.
I saw this film the other day. A Japanese film the other day. About a geisha. called "The sea is watching". It's about a geisha. One day, a samurei, comes to her "brothel" seeking shelter. He was being chased because he had stabbed someone important. He pays the geisha extra. He wanted to disguise himself. The geisha takes off her clothes. And they lie together in bed, pretending to be lovers. The pursuers see them and they don't realize it is the samurei they were chasing.
The samurei thanks the geisha. And, he returns a few times. But, they don't have sex. Strange!! In fact, he just wants to "redeem" her. Take her away from her "immoral" lifestyle... She follows his bidding. But, then heartbreak. He tells her (he was young - only 20 or so) that he has been engaged to another noble woman. The geisha is upset and heart-broken. And tells him to get out.
What strikes me is this. He was a young man. 20 years old. His sex drive would have been at its peak and he was refusing to have sex with her. And after she had undressed for him and held him in her arms to her naked body, and, still, later, he refused to pop for her. What was wrong with this guy?
I think I know. He was overcome and overwhelmed by a sense of duty. He was afraid of his older generation. And, this was exactly the way I felt too. I'm afraid of people of my older generation. But, one thing I have learned to do now, since I started blogging last August, is that it is bad form to name names. But, I can tell you they are relatives and they are one or two generations older than me and I am afraid of them. I have this inordinate respect for the older generation. I should try to think for myself and enjoy myself and what's leave of my youth. (before I hit 40).
And, in that sense, it is right, for younger people to rebel against their parents, especially, if they are intruding on their lives. One needs one's independence..
This silly samurei thought he was doing the right thing. He thought he was doing his "duty" but in reality, he was causing heart-ache.
Kids, eh. Anyway. That's enough for today...