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A Desire to be used and abused.
A Desire to be used and abused.
I haven't updated in a while. Been busy, I suppose. Working split shifts in my job. Not easy. Also, I hope to go to China and I am applying for a visa. I dunno if I will be getting a one month or three month one (or any at all! - I always prepare for the worst), so this is a source of stress and uncertainty.)
Lots to talk about though with regard to my sex life.
Hmm, I have a few Chinese friends on my msn messenger contact list. Some gorgeous women. One such woman (I have to be careful not to identify any of them - but I will say she's from Beijing). Wow, she's great!! I mean her body. She has her own msn space. Wow!! Long long legs. Pear shaped body. Wide hips. And gorgeous face. Very, very beautiful!!.
Anyway, I first wrote to a message board on a Beijing based China daily website last year and I occasionally post there again and again. I presented myself as a TEFL teacher (I am a TEFL teacher) and I wrote I was looking for friends in China. Anyway, I got lots of Chinese people wanting to be my friend or should I say "friend" given that, perhaps, from their point of view, what they really wanted was for me to correct their English.
Anyway, this is how I came to "meet" this gorgeous Beijing woman. She joined my msn messenger list (I think), posted to my msn messenger blog. Then, earlier this year, I wrote back to her again, after I had seen her blog and thought to myself, "What a stunner!"....
She got back to me. We chatted. To be honest, I don't think she's really interested in me. That said, she has said that she wants to meet me in Beijing when and if I go over and do a language exchange with me (Chinese-English).
Anyway, she's a very mature young woman. She turned 30 recently. I'm 32. But, in Chinese terms, that makes her 29, because in China, they measure age from conception rather than birth.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I posted to her blog (which was mostly in Chinese) to wish her well. Her blog post was very short. I wasn't quite sure what she was saying but I assumed what she was saying was that she was ill and she needed to rest so I wrote to her blog to say "get well soon" or words to that effect. A few days later, I discovered she deleted the comment. So, anyway, I thought maybe she was angry with me for something (maybe because I hadn't written to her in a few weeks et cetera) and I wrote her an e-mail to ask her if I had done anything wrong or incorrect. No reply.
So, I was thinking to myself. Oh, I'm annoying this woman. She probably already has a boyfriend and therefore writing "darling" in my comment on her blog probably wasn't a good idea.
So, I decided to not only remove her e-mail from my msn messenger list (I had done this a number of times already) but also to bar her too. I had a previous bad experience where I liked another Chinese women, posted to her, she wasn't interested in me, she removed a comment I posted to her blog and, well, to cut a long story short, she got angry with me, when I later refused to help her with her webspace on her terms (I had already helped her with exactly the same website problem a few days previously). I told her that I would only help her if she allowed me to use her password and username so that I could do the changes she wanted myself (some of her photos were not displaying). I reassured her that she could change the username and password herself later so that wasn't a problem. But, alas, she wasn't able or was unwilling to give that level of trust. So, after I told her that I wasn't going to give her instructions over msn messenger (which could have taken me hours since her knowledge of English (I understand no Chinese) and her knowledge of blogging, website design and so on was limited at the time, she told me that she had another friend who would help her and then, later, about an hour later, she msn messengered me again (I was in bed in near tears, nah, I was in tears!) to write "You know why you have no girlfriend? Because you are a fucker!" or words to that effect.
So, anyway, I digress.
Anyway, I was walking to town today. I live in Dublin city centre. And, I saw this gorgeous woman ahead (I love this word "gorgeous" ). She was wearing tight jeans and feminine blouse. She had long legs and nice thin waste. I was walking behind her. Anyway, she reminded me of the Beijing Chinese woman. And I thought to myself, I can't possibly bar this Beijing Chinese woman. I can't possibly be that cruel!! Maybe, there's a chance she was msn messenger me in the future. Yeah, Yeah. But, I gave this Shenzhen Gorgeous Chinese babe a chance too after she had deleted my comments from her blog and, well, she was pretty cruel to me). I should have taken that as a signal to bar her.
I guess I have a weakness for gorgeous woman. I have been hugging pillows since I was 18 years old. This has been my substitute for sexual relief. Maybe, I have been viewing a surfeit of porn?.
Anyway, I figure I need to learn to let go but, at the same time, not recoiling completely. I'll leave a channel of communication open to the Beijing woman (even to the Shenzhen woman) but I doubt she'll be writing back to me. But, I won't be hassling them with further e-mails/communications et cetera.
Anyway, this post is very boring. Sorry about that. I'll talk more about hugging pillows and my sexual fantasies in a later post. If you don't want to read the words, then look at the sexy photos instead.
Okay, one more thing. I haven't been posting for a while. There's another thing I want to revisit. That is liking younger woman. I could legitimise it and say, well, my dad married a woman 8 years younger than him. Some of my uncles married women younger by more than that (one of them, I think, was 15 years the junior of the other!)
But, in my mind, there is something dishonest in it. Okay, here's an example. I have another msn messenger friend. A "gorgeous" (my favourite word) young woman from Tianjin). A gorgeous young thing. About 22. She sent me some photos. Actually, a series of photos, removing her leather jacket to reveal her top below and her succlent breasts underneath it. They were completely covered of course but I have a crazy imagination sometimes.
Anyway, here were go again with my sugar daddy fixation/temptation. We talk about the most mundane things. But, I can't seem to get around to the subject I most want to talk/write about, sex. So, I feel frustrated. Instead, we/I talk around the outskirts of this subject (like it's taboo or something). And, to a small extent, it is arousing. Like I'm trying to break through a f**king wall or something.
I give her advice et cetera and, well, in my last msn messenger conversation, I told her in my parting words, "See ya later sexy". Yeah, I feel guilty all the way. Sex was a taboo subject when I grew up. At any rate, I was an angry young teenager enough, not to talk about it or try not to think about it.
So, anyway, I give her advice. It's as if I am trying to salve and expiate (not sure what these words mean) my conscience. And, yet, I still feel f**king guilty... And, of course, here's the dishonesty. We're talking about cars, careers, future prospects, travelling, and all that's on my mind is sex, sex, sex. I'm looking for release. I'm complicit in this. I'm the conservative one here.
And, well, in my opinion, I think my liking for younger woman (and make no mistake about it, it's a sexual thing - they're young, slim, ripe (I can think of all manner of arousing adjectives), is a product of my own low self-esteem. What I'm saying is that, hmm, well, younger woman are easier to "control". And how can I be certain that I even like them? [Sighs].
Well, you guessed it. I'm the sort of guy who doesn't get down to action. Who analyses his every thought. Very indecisive. At the end of the day, it's about imagination. If you imagine yourself to be happy, you will be happy. If you imagine yourself to be sad, you will be sad. If you imagine yourself to be sexual frustrated, you will be sexually frustrated. It's my choice. I construct my own prison of fear.
So, anyway, yeah, I think it's low self-esteem because, well, I'm not being honest with myself in my relations with these young women (and there are others too, mostly Chinese, who fall into this category). I pretend to myself I am some sort of "sugar-daddy", teacher, whatever, and they're there to learn from me. God, this is lame!!. And, dishonest. If I was honest with myself, and them, I would just tell them or ask them, "Do you fancy a shag?" or "I fancy you, darling, you're gorgeous [my favourite word again]", "You're sexy" "You turn me on"..et cetera. And, if they return this with hellfire and brimstone then so be it.
That said, yeah, I have sexual fantasies (maybe most of them actually) where there is a situation where I am told to do something which is not overtly sexual but which results in me cumming. I'll give you an example. A sexy woman (clothing is important to me - so let's just say - tight black skirt, she's older, a lot older, with older, mature, large/huge boobs constrained by tight sweater). She's my landlady. She enters my room. Just to look at the sight of her is sexually exciting to me. Yet, well, she could go for a walk outside in these clothes and not be arrested for disturbing the peace. Oh, she has calf-hugging black leather high heel boots on as well. Anyway, she goes over to the window, turns to look outside and tells me to come over to her. She then takes my hands and puts them around her waist. As I say, not obviously sexy but, probably, I'm going to pop, especially, since she told me to do this of her own free will and had obviously placed a degree of trust in me.
Anyway, that's enough for now. I'll now search my special sexy photo section on my computer laptop for some sexy photos to upload to this blog entry. [sighs] because I am so sexually insecure about this, I'll probably delete anything sexual from my computer before my trip to China, since I will be taking this laptop with me (this is my intention).. Best to upload them here then...
Oh, one more thing. I think it is a very very good idea for me to write my sexual thoughts. A very good idea. I write about my desire to be used and abused, to take guilt trips where the woman I place my attention in, is automatically right, no matter how savage she is to me short of actually terrorizing me and threatening my life. I write about my sexual insecurity. I have already written about how I even lost my job earlier this year because my boss found out about my sexual blog and was indignant to find his school (I was a TEFL teacher there at the time) was mentioned by name.. I have monumental insecurity about sex, a great deal of shame, built upon an edifice of prejudice I had built up during my angry teenage years (what a prick I was during my teenage years!).. Given that, it's a great idea to keep a sexual blog. In fact, I copy this post over to 4 other blogging services.
If I got to China soon, chances are, I won't have access to any of them except blogsource, unless I find some special software to get around the "Great Firewall of China".. I think blogsource can still be accessed in mainland China but I'm not sure about that.
One final thing. Any hostile comments will be removed and any such commentors will be placed in my "naughty list" (which is a minuscule section of my brain). There's 3 there already. I'll be happy to increase this list if need be.
I give myself brownie points for not only writing this sex blog but for also allowing people to comment. Now, I'll look for sexy photos.