Getting Your Oats: The Sexual Psychology of Porridge.  

rm_nickyblue1 69M
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9/25/2005 1:59 am

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3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Getting Your Oats: The Sexual Psychology of Porridge.


Here in Leicester the last of the summer sun has been gently warming us as we go about our daily business. This is a blessing I am sure the citizens of Leicester are truly thankful for as the cold winds of autumn are only just around the corner and there has been a definite drop in nighttime temperatures. Making the most of nature’s nuclear furnace, the young people of Leicester can be seen during daylight hours congregating around the Clock Tower basking in the warmth of the fading sun’s rays. Dressed entirely in black (I assume to maximise the absorption of solar heat!) these sons and daughters of Leicester, like so many swallows, will soon be forced to seek warmer climes.

This is a sure sign that it is almost porridge time. I suggest, as a weekend treat, that you make a large bowl of hot steaming oats in true Scots tradition. As you know, it has to be so hot as to almost carbonise the taste buds and you have to tip a whole packet of brown sugar over it before finally drowning the entire dish in a generous helping of gold-top milk. I realise that some of you may well read this blog at work and will be sorely tempted to make the said porridge as soon as you return home. (I am assuming that your office, as well equipped as it might be, is not geared for proper porridge production, by which I mean a double boiler saucepan and NOT the microwave.)* Although porridge tastes just as good post meridian as it does in the morning, a word of warning: porridge oats after the 7pm watershed is not recommended.

"Why is this?" It is my belief, and you can contradict me if you like, but after many years of intensive study I am convinced that different food types have particular psychological associations. Food preferences reveal personality traits, creating a "synergy between person and food." For instance, men are more likely than women to find steak attractive, as it reinforces the traditional, macho personality. Oysters, on the other hand, are widely recognised as an aphrodisiac and will signal you are 'up for it.' It is no coincidence that Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of sexual love and beauty, sprang forth from the sea on an oyster shell and a list of other supposed sexual stimulants includes anchovies, liquorice, lard, scallops and Spanish Fly. (Top-tip: lay off the lard.)

I have a particular fondness for honey and like nothing more than to drip it onto my lover’s body, especially the breasts, and then lick it off. Other people might prefer to use candles (originally made from beeswax) in fetish foreplay and drip wax onto the skin; bee pollen is also used as a sexual stimulant, and 'honey dust' or 'honey powder' is one of the most popular adult sexual items and should ideally be applied with a feather quill.

Porridge, on the other hand, is the ultimate in comfort food and conjures up images of a woman in hand-knitted sweaters, a woolly hat and, under her full-length hippy skirt, at least two layers of stockings. So avoid porridge oats when out on a date or planning a 'romantic evening' at home.

* Those people that extol the virtues of microwave porridge - and other microwaved traditional dishes such as custard, scrambled eggs, roast potatoes etc- are philistines of the lowest order and I would suggest you break company with them as soon as is humanely possible.

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