Holdling my own hand  

rm_mtnravyn 60M
501 posts
9/26/2005 12:26 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Holdling my own hand

Come sit down beside me
I said to myself
And although it doesn't make sense
I held my own hand
As a small sign of trust
And together I sat on the fence
Michael Leunig

I was at a football game yesterday (Seahawks and Cardinals) and was watching two kids a few rows down. They were maybe six or seven, I could see them lean in to say something and laugh. And then they would play fight and laugh some more. They were not concerned with what was going in on the field but rather in experience the joy and delight of just being.

I believe I was once able to express my feelings of delight and pleasure. (I don't remember it exactly) And I must have felt that total abandon and connection with all of life with every ounce of my being. To just be in the present and be able to ask, maybe even demand, what I wanted. And I believe I could approach almost anyone with no judgment or prejudice

I have wondered where that spontaneity and joy went. Even though I am very affectionate, that expression is to be guarded and restrained.. Now it has become a matter of strategizing how to approach people, how to get those needs met, how to be emotionally safe, and how to be comfortable with me. More importantly how to be in the present with that childlike delight.

I do not want to idealize childhood, because there are costs that are extracted at any age. But I do wonder if the cost of being an adult in this society is not a bit high. When the result is a sense of loneliness versus solitude, suspicion versus trust, emotionally vulnerable rather than safe with myself, or needy rather than fulfilled.

Somewhere on the path to being an adult I think some vital skills were lost which would help me know more about me. maybe it is because my ideals of what it meant to be adult were idealized and impossible except for an angel. And I know part of it stems from the whole cultural environment in which I was raised.

It seems that really all most of us want is to care for and be cared for by others. I want that. And I want to like me even when I make choices that later prove to be painful learning lessons. I want a sense of control in my life, not to be controlling or controlled. I want to be able to trust that the people in my life can be trusted to be congruent in word and deed. And to know that if we disagree, it is done so without intent to harm or denigrate each other.

For me it has become a need to balance those times of solitude when I can "sit on the fence with myself." And those times of intimacy, physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually with others. When I can approach either time with a child like awe and wonder of the gifts I have been given and not with the childish attitude of "What am I going to get out of this."

rm_mtnravyn 60M
890 posts
9/26/2005 6:43 pm

Love the metapahor of the flower and morning dew. Most sensual L>^^< Thanks

sweetalyssum 47F

9/27/2005 8:50 am

Ravyn...this was a thoughtful, well-thought out post. Thank you...I'll be thinking about it today.

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