|Blogs > rm_msdivinity > flagrante delicto|
Do I look like Ann Landers???
Do I look like Ann Landers???
Or maybe Dear Abbey, oh wait they were twins weren't they? So help me I do not know what it is about me that makes men want to talk to me about thier other relationships. Between J and W I know way too much about who else is in the player arena. Why would a guy come to my apt. and then essentially let me know (A) I am his second choice for the evening, ( How affected and upset he is that his first choiceblew him off for the second night in a row...nevermind. I suppose the only reason I am this upset is some of the things he was ranting about last night struck a little too close to home. I do miss certain aspects of a 1:1 relationship, like someone to share the days happenings with, a shoulder to fall asleep on, body heat to warm you back up when you have to get out of bed at 3 am, someone who makes you feel special and not just in a sexual manner, someone you can make plans with that you know isn't going to blow you off if someone hotter comes along, etc. I have little faith in those things however and recognize that in most cases they are ephemeral at best.
At this point in my life I have had several failed marriages and at least an equal number of failed relationships. At some point you have to accept responsibility for your part in a relationship not working out. I often tell people I live alone because no one else could ever put up with me on a long term basis and that there are days I wish even I didn't have to live with me. In the words of Bella, Yes, someday I do want to stop sluttin' and struttin' and actually have a stable relationship. The question isn't whether I could or not the question becomes one of will I ever be able to fully trust someone I am with? And just as likely the question would also be, if I met someone thru this medium, would they ever fully trust me? I have been the accused before when I wasn't doing anything to be accused of, it is not a way to secure monogamy that's for sure, in fact after a while of being accused it ended up becoming a self fulfilled prophecy. I figured if I was taking all the flak and not getting any of the benefits or action I might as well get bitched at over something I was doing rather than something imagined.
I do not remember telling him of certain events that happened early on in my life and was more than a little disconcerted when he so cavalierly asked me about it. I can't imagine that I told him since I hate to cry in front of anyone and that particular subject makes me fall apart. Perhaps I mentioned it in passing, but I really don't think so because it isn't something that I would generally share. Though W has a way of making me much more comfortable and off gaurd and there are one or two other things that I have shared with him that I wouldn't normally share, so I suppose the possibility is there. I guess I could add sharing thoughts and feelings in an open unconstrained way to the list of things I miss as well.
I suppose this is what happens when you like those in your harem too much. I have 3 that I could really fall for, 2 that I absolutely adore but the perimeters and guidlines were established and set in stone many years ago and I wouldn't even think of altering those 2 since they are more friendship based than psychosexually based.
It was rather enlightening though to sit and think of things thru anothers eyes. I never even considered whether being introduced to someone's friends meant a more solid relationship. Generally my friends know all about my harem, whose coming, whose been taken off my list, whether I am getting any action, whether any of them are serious enough for me to have gone to the theater or ballet with etc, but I can't think of the last guy I actually physically introduced them to.
Lastly he made me wonder what goes thru J's head. This is a man who has followed me across country twice, when I moved to Ohio he followed me less than 6 months later. When the divorce was immenent and it was apparent that I was going to be back in CA more or less permanently he moved back to CA. He was supposed to be moving up North near his dad but lo and behold when I turned down the offer to return to Eureka all of a sudden he wasn't moving north anymore. If one of my other friends had described the situation to me I would have said, "honey the man is sprung over you, wake up and smell the coffee, if he doesn't care/love you why in the hell would he have disrupted his life moved to a state where he knew no one and stay for over 2 years only to return to CA when what brought him 2000 miles ended up being 2000 miles away again. Yet J is just as bad. He is seeing Michelle again and so help me whenever they have problems he comes over here and wants my feminine point of view, like I am the typical female or am successful at maintaining healthy stable relationships myself. Then again he would be having a lot fewer problems with Michelle if he cultivated that relationship a little more. I mean seriously how does he think she is going to feel with him spending Valentine's day with me? Yes it is a Monday night, and yes we typically get together Monday nights to watch 24 together, but last week I was preparing myself to spend the Lover's holiday eating Hagen Daas and bemoaning being alone, so I mentioned to him that I probably wouldn't see him next week cause I was sure he would be spending it with her. He was like hell no, it's a Monday night, I spend Monday's with you she knows that. Hell it's not like I have had even one other single person suggest they spend that day with me, and yet what do I say to him, "Are you sure Michelle is going to be ok with that? I don't think I would be too happy if my bf chose his friendfor V day if I thought I was his gf and she was just a friend friend.
I am feeling rather maudlin this morning. I should have told W he could sleep here a few hours before he went home. He really was out of it when he left here last night. And I stayed up lamenting over all he had told me wondering if I could answer the same questions I had reflected back at him during our discourse over Ms English. I really am horrendous with relationships. I suppose I should take today to reflect on what my expectations for a relationdhip are and decide whether I want to cultivate just fuck buddies type of relationships or whether I really might want something more.