Why am I here?  

rm_markidx 51M
9 posts
10/15/2005 7:22 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Why am I here?

I've often wondered over the past few months why I am here on AdultFriendFinder (AdultFriendFinder). I have a beautiful wife who loves me and who, to my knowledge, has never cheated on me. I love my wife, and don't wish to hurt her in any way. She is a good person, and doesn't deserve to have a husband who would even consider the path that I am exploring. So what drives and persists my presence here?

I haven't found the answer to this question. of course, I am assuming that there is only one answer, which may not be the case. I recently turned 40 and I noticed a number of things change within me. Before 40, I walked around with blinders on and refused to acknowledge women around me for fear of creating opportunities. Now, I not only notice them and acknowledge them, I go out of my way to draw their attention and to make eye contact if I am physically near to them. Before 40, I didn't care if I was attractive to anyone but my wife. Now I find myself feeling certain that I am not attractive to anyone except my wife. Before 40, I was shy to the point that if any woman flirted with me, not only did I fail to realize it, but I also failed to respond to it or even acknowledge it. Now I both acknowledge and respond, but I also intiatate the flirting.

Looking at each of these individually, I'll start with the blinders. My wife and I have always had a tepid sex life. We would go months between interludes and never think anything of it. While I enjoyed sex with my wife, I found myself becoming less satisfied with it as more time passed. I recently realized that I missed the anxious, excited, and nervous feelings I would experience when encountering a new sexual opportunity. There is no rush quite like the first time you find yourself with a beautiful partner you have never been with previously about to have sex. Moreover, where in the past I was only luke warm to sex, I now find myself almost obsessed with it, thinking about it numerous times throughout my day. I began to find myself day dreaming and fantasizing about women half my age. But not just them, there are lots of beautiful women my own age who intrique me, and more that span gap in between. All of a sudden, the blinders were off and I was noticing a whole world of women I had never noticed before. These women piqued my interest and with services such as AdultFriendFinder, it made the prospect of finding them easier.

Until recently I hadn't given a lot of thought to whether I was attractive to women. I've always had a rather pragmatic view of myself; I'm neither "drop dead gorgeous" (just looking at my picture should prove that!), but I am also not "Elephant Man Ugly". I am merely average in every way, and until now this has never bothered me. When I joined AdultFriendFinder, I was excited about the possiblities that would be opened up to me. I approached the experience with fervor and zeal, only to find that almost none of my 'winks' or emails were ever even responded to. As for unsolicited winks and emails, I have had a few, but the most notable one came from an attractive women who, it turned out, was a professional who required incentives ($$) to be with me. This wasn't how I envisioned my quest to see if there was more out there to explore would or should go. I remember how excited I was when I got the wink and then the email. She lived close, and therefore was easily accessible. She called me handsome, and my thoughts for a potential encounter went into orbit. Then came the email that explained who she was and what she did for a living. I was crushed. I don't have anything against these women. They are earning a living the best way they can, or they are having fun and make some extra income from it. But this simply reduced the whole thing to a commodity, governed by the laws of supply and demand. Needless to say I was disappointed beyond words.

There were also women who, for one reason or another were beyond the practical reach of a physical encounter, but I felt compelled to write them and tell them that I thought they were beautiful and to offer my sincerest wishes for the success of their own searches. Even these messages never garnered any responses, not even to say thanks. I suppose I am the quintessential "wolf-in-sheeps-clothing". I was beginning to think that maybe I am elephant man ugly, or perhaps married men don't get more action than single ones, as the urban myths would suggest. That's when I began to think that perhaps I was being judged because of my social status, namely: being a married man. There were a million notions, but no definitive one. I am one who finds the most attractive female feature to be the eyes and the face as a whole. I love to watch the webcams, but not the ones that are focused soley on boob or vaginal shots. I like to see reactions, the eyes can tell you the truth even if the words are false, and if the words and facial expressions agree then it heightens my arousal. I remember one woman in particular that had the greatest smile. I simply enjoyed watching just waiting to see it appear. Sex never even entered my thoughts, I simply felt good seeing her smile on cam. I must have sent her about 100 pages, all of which went unanswered. I sent emails, again reiterating my thoughts and that I found her quite beautiful. These also went unanswered. Are some people truly so beautiful and self absorbed that they don't even like to be told how attractive they are because it's redundant? If so, then it's a sad state of affairs. But I digress.

Lastly, now if a woman flirts with me, I find myself responding and acknowledging. More importantly, I find myself initiating the flirting. I have found that making positive eye contact is the best way to initiate a flirt. Even if I strike out, which I usually do , I find that flirting is fun and, in a lot of ways, exciting. It's interesting to me to see how many women will actually make eye contact, and that those that do usually reciprocate interest to some extent. I was in Las Vegas this past week at a trade show and found that about half the women that I tried this with returned my gaze and smiled warmly. Of the rest, most simply looked at the floor until they were past me. I can relate to this because this is precisely how I used to be.

I know that none of this answers the question to which this post pertains: why am I here? Whatever changes have occured in my life, for whatever reason, have caused me to want to explore a part of me that was buried when I was married. Why am I here? Certainly not to hurt my wife. I have grappled with the notion that in order to be fair to her, I should at least separate from, if not divorce, her to allow her to pursuit her own needs and interests. Although I will say that since I have been exploring, our sex life has regained much of it's former passion. Let's face facts, there is no practical way, when married, to be with different women all the time without arousing suspicion. So I find that these feelings get redirected to my wife and increase my desire to make love to her. Does this justify what I'm doing? Certainly not, wrong is wrong, but I find that I simply cannot help myself. Perhaps, given what I have found so far, I'll never even complete the crime. Women are not exactly throwing themselves at me, and I'm afraid that that is not likely to change. But if it does end without any extra marital encounters, will the increased desire for my wife continue? Ultimately, I embarked on this journey because I was bored with the same old routine of my marriage, day after day. The thought of being skin-on-skin with another woman is compelling and exciting because it's new, different.

There are, no doubt, many who will ardently disagree with my conclusions, but then, such is the nature of discourse. By laying out here what I am going through, I am not seeking to justify myself, that simply can't be done. I would ask that opinions be presented reasonably, and absolutely free of profanity or judgements against others. I welcome all comments, good, bad, and other. I am not, however, asking to be judged for my conduct, I am already guilty even before I have completed the act, even if I never do, which appears likely at this point given the level of interest I get!! I will say, however, that AdultFriendFinder is massively unbalanced with many times more men than women, and then some of those women are only seeking other women, thus reducing the population even further.

Become a member to create a blog