|Blogs > rm_markidx > Diary of a Wouldbe Cheater|
I don't know how many people know what a spin class is, but essentially it's a workout class with a sadomasachistic instructor who plays music and tortures you for 45 minutes!
I started working out about two months ago because my Doctor was concerned about my cholesterol. I haven't worked out in 20+ years, so I went with a trainer for the first 12 weeks to help me get back into the swing of things. My trainer is great when I'm working out, but in spin class, which she "teaches", she's brutal!
This is another way that my wife and I have choosen to try to rekindle our waning relationship, and so far the results have been limited for the relationship put very positive for our overall fitness. Exercise simply won't enhance communication, other than to provide one more topic of conversation.
What is the nature of our communication problem? I'm glad you asked. It's simple: my wife is a passive listner. This means that she is thinking of her responses while I'm taking so that when she responds she is talking about something entirely different than I am, and has thus missed the point completely. Another aspect of our problem is that I'm a geek, a propeller head, and I have this compulsion to learning something new every day I wake up, because I believe that when you stop learning, you stop living. My wife, on the other hand, believes that her brain is "full" and therefore refuses to learn anything new, and promptly forgets everything she is taught almost immediately.
This aspect leads to a third aspect: my wife cannot handle criticism in any form. Any attempt to assist her or point out a better or simpler way of doing anything engenders her "I'm being attacked" fight or flight response. All of these are impediments to good communication, and they are also a turn-off for me. I like to delve deep into topics and explore the inner workings of the subject matter; my wife is very close to the surface and looses interest in a matter of seconds.
I know I can be demanding, and also that she probably hates talking to me, but I find it difficult to live without this necessary element. I had some online chat friends that she felt threatened by (according to her, I was becoming "emotionally attached" and ignoring her) so I was given the choice: them or her. Take my pick. That was several years ago and I have long since lost track of them.
Now I am here, clandestinely, of course, searching for more people to communicate with, yet mostly communicating with myself. I love my wife, I really do, but aren't there things that most people can't tolerate in their mates? In my case, it has an affect on literally every other aspect of our marriage. I don't want to leave her or lose her, but how do I solve this conundrum? To say the least I am unhappy and unsatisfied, but that doesn't diminish what I feel for her.
Intelligent women turn me on because I can have a conversation that we both benefit from. I'm not looking back into eyes with a 1,000 yard stare wondering what is going to come out when her mouth opens. I sometimes wonder if this doesn't make me more shallow than my wife.
Most perplexing, however, is that I lived 12 and half years with my wife and never fully realized what the problem was or the extent to which it impacted us emotionally until now. Why now? What triggered this? Surely turning 40 can't do this to a person. But if not my age, then what? Why would this need have become so important all of a sudden? Did I change my diet? Not that I can recall, I still eat the same crap I ate before. I haven't started taking any new vitamins or medications. Although, there is one other coincidental change that I have noticed: I'm aroused constantly. Unfortunately, not for my wife.
If it's true that adultry is committed by virtue of the mere thought of having sex with another person, then I have committed adultry something more than 10 to power of 64 times. A lot, huh? For those unfamiliar with exponents, that's 10 with 64 zeros behind it, or approximately 200 times per second over the course of an average life span. Gives new meaning to the term "one pump hump" doesn't it? Fortunately, the physical act last a great deal longer, in some cases many hours, and in a few cases a day or more.
All of this, however, merely seeks to justify what I'm after. In the end, wrong is wrong. Fortunately I'm not overrun with offers or responses, so the overall odds of my actually physically committing this crime are still quite low. I know, I know...I'm a mental case. Believe me, that thought passes through my brain at least a million times a day. That's what inspires me to sit here and free write these entries in the hopes that someone will see it and have a profound suggestion that will magically help.
So far not. I will continue to endeavor, however, in the hopes of either finding someone with whom to talk and perhaps even have NSA sex (I absolutely LOVE to watch women climax, there is no greater thrill for me!), or until someone offers me a better solution.
Until the next time, remember SAGE: Safe, alive and Gainfully Employed. May you all be prosperous and joyful!