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poems and jokes
poems and jokes
Poem Title: MY PERFECT LOVER (Sensual)
Come ride on my magic carpet with me.
We will fly from fields of roses and clover,
To our special cottage on the edge of forever.
Where we will stand on a balcony,
And watch moonbeams dance on the water.
Behind us candles are flickering.
We are dressed in the skin of our birth.
We explore secret places, we've only dreamed of.
We pleasure each other in new and exciting ways.
Then we dance to soft music
Created by Heaven's Angel Band.
Magic pulls us together
In a deep passionate kiss,
Whie our bodies sink down
To a soft red velvet rug.
Our mouths fuel the fire
With dueling tongues.
Two hungry souls unite
With two aching hearts,
As the waves billow,
We rock with eternity.
My perfect lover and I.
©2005 Del Senkbeil
Poem Title: Magic Elixir...Part I
I am your magic elixir
The only one you will ever need
I will take care of you
Excite you with my love potions and sensual massages
Caressing every facet of your being
If you’re feeling stressed
I have the formula
We will escape to an exotic place of endless pleasure
Anything you desire
On my knees before you
Tell me how you like it
Let me drink it all
Say those words you know I like
You’ve been working so hard
Escape with me to pleasure Island
Tell me your wildest fantasies
I will fulfill them
Anything to please
You’re such a tease with your sexy walk
Your eyes seduce me so easily
You don’t need anything else
I am your aphrodisiac
Let me excite you, relax you
Run away with me to my secret garden
We will feast on our love
Tropical juices dripping down your lips
As my body screams for you…..oh Baby
You’ll forever be in my fantasies……
©2005 Lisa Erawoc
Top 20 ways to tell someone their fly is down
Top 20 ways to tell someone their fly is down
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
1 Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great.
I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love,
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your
picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer then prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she l! ooked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead
Two elderly Wal-Mart Greeters
Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age.
How do you feel?'
Slim says, " I feel just like a new born babe."
Rather amazed his coworker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe???"
"Yup", grins Slim, " No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants
11/28/2005 8:36 pm
I damn near busted my gut on that underwear one, very funny!|