new jokes  

rm_longliner002 50M
166 posts
7/16/2006 10:19 am
new jokes

Definitions I

Definitions I

1)Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

2)Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

3)Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

4)Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

5)Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

6)Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

7)Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

9)Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

10)Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

11)Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

12)Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Definitions II

Definitions II

13)Experience : The name men give to their mistakes

14)Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

15)Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

16)Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

17)Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

1Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

19)Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

20)Father : A banker provided by nature.

21)Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

22)Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

23)Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

24)Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Rules To Consider I

Rules To Consider I

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Rules To Consider II

Rules To Consider II

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic

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