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joke Escaped Prisoner
joke Escaped Prisoner
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair.
While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman. They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die. No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men. All of the men started clapping.
John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex. "We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.
So he waits...
They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says, "I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!"
John exclaims, "You're kidding!"
Mary flatly informs, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."
Mary goes to sleep and wakes up at 3am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.
"There's no use John," she said. "You might as well go to sleep."
"I would, except my penis is so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes."
A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up--sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man answers, "In case
I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!"
I gaze into twin pools of warmth
Bright and sparkling
I see something indescribable
Something I can't quite put my finger on.
Twin pool, blazing and brilliant
Making all your sweetness
And all your compassion
Twin pools shimmering and glimmering
Showing how you're
Sweet, sensitive, caring and kind
Funny athletic cunning and friendly
Twin pools, so animated and intense
Help me to share
Your love of life,
Your life of love.
I gaze into twin pools of warmth and
I see the sweetest person I've ever met or ever will meet
I recognize a sincere and honest guy who can never be replaced
I realize you are so special because
When I look into your eyes
I witness a miracle, I find a friend
12/30/2005 5:56 pm
Wow, I'm so glad I found your blog. I just laughed and laughed...|
12/31/2005 8:04 am
glad you enjoyed it|