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dirty jokes #?
dirty jokes #?
The old man had passed on. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
A Little Girlfriend Fun
This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up.."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love.. don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will comedown and give the guy a blow job himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom
WOMEN?S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I?m sorry. = You?ll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It?s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You?ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don?t want you to.
I?m not upset = Of course I?m upset, you moron! You?re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You?re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I?m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you?re really not going to like.
I?ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I?m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you?re dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don?t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to What?s wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It?s just that you?re such an idiot!
Women Translations For Men
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated "What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
A Taste of Eternity
The light poured down warm honey to kiss
her sun pinked soft freckled fragrant skin
to feed my hungry eye with such delights
to make me burn for empassioned nights
The wind caressed her body, a lover's touch
her dark hair brushed by a summer's breeze
she bound my heart in silken cords of need
and filled me with such a need to please
The air is sweet with the lilac's scent
though not as sweet as she is to me
she smiles to me as we linger quietly
lost in a moment's taste of eternity
1/2/2006 10:56 pm
Very Funny and All Good!thank's|
1/2/2006 11:21 pm
And love the Eternity passage.
1/2/2006 11:31 pm
Thank you everyone who stoped by|
1/3/2006 1:15 am
Thanks for sharing the humor - I needed that!|
1/3/2006 8:19 am
1/3/2006 12:37 pm
you do sky |
brilliant as always hunny xxx