YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . .  

rm_longliner002 49M
166 posts
8/29/2006 7:08 am

Last Read:
8/29/2006 12:35 pm

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . .


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF . . .
. . . you were allowed to drink beer and date the teacher all through high school.
. . . you painted your truck camouflage and now you can't find it.
. . . you've ever picked up your girlfriend in a John Deere.
. . . your wife wears tight leather and it makes her look like a re-tread.
. . . your brother is your wife's favorite son.

Using The ATM
The differences between how a woman and a man uses a drive-through banking machine.
Here is his and hers ATM usage explained...
HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

The Tooth Fairy
Dear _________________,
Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen
children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s)
indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other reason
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you
may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look
forward to serving you in the future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son, Little Johnny, riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. So he asked, "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," .
"Easy, Dad," Little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," Little Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

Tonight On TV
It seems each year television gets worse and worse, just look at what's on television tonight...
FOX
8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape
9:00 Jiggle It Beach
9:30 LA Chicks
10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode
UPN
8:00 The Unwatchables
8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
9:30 Praying For Syndication
10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through
WB
8:00 Where My Wife At?
8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On
9:00 Me & My Psychic
9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things
10:00 Dawson's Clothes
ANIMAL PLANET
8:00 Incontinent Rhinos
9:00 Dan Taylor: Mongoose Optometrist
10:00 STAY!
10:30 The Best of STAY!
E!
8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
ESPN2
8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men
8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals
9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking
10:00 Co-Ed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui
SCI-FI
8:00 Space: 1972
9:00 The Bermuda Triangle: Myth Or Fiction?
10:00 Mid-Budget Galaxy
LIFETIME
8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband In Self-Defense
10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television
TNN
8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped In Pigshit!
9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
9:30 Sheeeeeeee-It!
10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get The Rifle From The Truck
TELEMUNDO
8:00 Roberto Amorosa En Agua Caliente!
9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta?
9:30 Goooooooooooooal!
10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
10:30 La Hora De Goya
PUBLIC ACCESS
8:00 Blurry Steve
8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?
9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus
10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film
10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out

grib1876 44M

8/29/2006 7:46 am

That's a lot of information for so early in the morning!
The ATM lineup couldn't be more true. At least in my experiences.


rm_longliner002 49M
227 posts
8/29/2006 12:35 pm

thank you for stopping by.


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