The Morning Post a few poems and jokes to start your day  

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12/11/2005 8:32 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The Morning Post a few poems and jokes to start your day

A Box of Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him find something. He says that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few moments later the man deposit a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string onto the counter.
The sales girl says confused " Sir .. i thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
He says " You see.. its like this, yesterday i sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of ciggarettes and she cam back with a tin of tabacco and some rolling papers cause .. ' its so much cheaper!'
So, I figure if i have to roll my own .. so does she..

I remember it well: it was
a cloudless night and we had escaped
up the secret stairway
to our hidden, moonlit world.
Little insects buzzed around
the crotchety tube light, vanishing
at the flick of a switch as darkness
rushed in with its promises; no one
around, a solitude completed
by the distant sound of chatter
far below.
We lingered awhile, a warm breath
of lips and skin; and when you
sang your voice was strangely
sweet, unsullied by the breeze,
and I wouldn’t let you stop. You
laughed, surprised at my insistence,
but I could not explain.
And now I wonder what lonely ghost
of nights to come
had stooped to whisper in my ear, knowing
that I would need to remember

Note: This poem was created in Lancashire - UK (It helps if you imagine the accent!)
Now I've tried all the normal approaches
All the pick-ups an' chat-ups an' stuff
Tried mi hand at so-phistication
Wi' some girls who were nowt if not rough
I've been seen down the discos an' dances
Bought cocktails for them as were broke
In mi quest for the perfect companion
Who'd see me as her perfect bloke
I've dealt with the best datin' agents
I've filled in their forms an' told lies
About how I'm just like a male model
Wi' tight buttocks an' sparklin' blue eyes
I've squandered mi wages on chatlines
Spent two quid a minute on t' phone
Where I've ended up gaggin' for Charleen
Even though she weighs thirty-two stone
I've frequented bars down the dockside
Where there's ladies that's best left alone
An' I've offered mi body quite freely
But I've allus walked home on mi own
So just cos it's comin' up Christmas
An' I've no soddin' prospects in store
I'm wazzin' this e-mail to Lapland dot com
An' I'm hopin' that this time I'll score
Dear Santa, please bring me a woman
Fer some fun in mi fifty-third year
Let's forget all the monogrammed hankies
All the socks an' the chocs an' the beer
You could leave me a fun-lovin' floozie
Or a perfectly sweet English rose
An' what could be quite stonkin' is a lass who loves bonkin'
Now I really would like one o' those
Please bring a voluptuous woman
A partner, a pal an' a mate
I can take for a romp in the boudoir
Wi'out havin' the need to inflate
Perhaps I should spare you the detail
But a session's got nowt to enthral
When your off up to bed wi' a bike pump
An' a puncture repair kit an' all
Please bring me a home-lovin' woman
Cos I've brushed-up mi cookin' technique
No Spam, egg an' chips like mi mam does
But dishes that's sexy an' chic
We'll have seafood an' hot, sticky puddin'
Drink wine 'til we're Mozart an' Liszt
Then I'll make several filthy suggestions
Till she finds one she just can't resist
Please bring me an underwear woman
A lingerie kind of a dame
Who loves to wear silky suspenders
An' doesn't mind me doin' t' same
We can twang at each others elastics
Then I'll climb up the cupboards (top shelf)
Where I'll fling off mi big, baggy Y-Fronts
An' dive in, like the Devil himself
Please bring me a kind, carin' woman
Cos I know I've gone well past mi prime
But I'm sure I can still do the business
If I just take mi tablets on time
I won't pester no more, that's a promise
You won't hear me again, not one squeak
So Santa, please bring me a woman
An' a fresh one each night of the week
Copyright; Steve Morris

You wished a rose from me
And I came to you empty-handed
And I left you empty-armed.
Permit me then to chose words
With which to create for you
That which you desired of me
For your fantasy.
I shall form it full petalled
Opening to reveal within
The red loveliness.
One stem, yet I have de-thorned it
So that it shall not prick you at all
But bring you pleasure.
Oh press it to your bossom and think of me.
So have I most hopefully fullfilled your fantasy.
Now I shall speak to you
Of my own fantasy.
You and I - together.
You - in my arms,
And I kissing and caressing
Your soft sweet femininity.
I am as the sun
Shining upon you
Giving you both my heat and light
So that you open to me as the petals of a flower
And receive me inside.
We dance the dance of Eros
And I give you that sweet loving
Which contains within it
Both tenderness and passion
As only I may bestow.
Oh think not that I speak from pride and vanity,
I speak from all humility.
I embrace you and I speak your name
It is a beautiful refrain.
So shall these my words come to you
And cause you to think sweet thoughts of me.

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