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Christmas Joke #7 - Redneck Christmas...
Christmas Joke #7 - Redneck Christmas...
Christmas Joke #7 - Redneck Christmas...
A Redneck Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.
The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?
I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!"
"Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back."
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.
I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off - in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.
Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag.
I big can of crawdads for when I go fishin'
A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.
A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old hag
Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.
When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit."
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.
I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew,
I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew,
With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer,
I yelled up, "Maybe you'll get some presents next year!"
Dirty Joke #39 - Big Head, Big Head ...
... A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is
your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream."She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for
hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do
have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
Dirty Joke #21 - In cider? ...
... This little girl runs into her house, tears running down her
face. She races up to her mother and says,
"Mum, Mum, can I have a glass of cider?"
"Why on earth do you want cider?" asks her confused and concerned mother.
"To take the pain away," sobs the little girl.
Obviously the mother refuses, but the girl keeps on crying and eventually her mother pours her a glass of cider in an attempt to shut her up. The little girl grabs the glass and immediately puts her hand into it.
"It doesn't work," screams the little girl.
"What do you mean?" asks her mother.
"Well," sniffs the little girl, "I overheard my sister saying that
whenever she gets a prick in her hand she can't wait to get it in cider."
Dirty Joke #47 - Replacement "tool"...
A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he
brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place
when you get horny."A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage. "Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."
Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those
unwanted fat producing calories...
With partner's consent... 12 calories
Without partner's consent... 187 calories
Using two calm hands... 7 calories
Using one trembling hand... 36 calories
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner... 1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor... 16 calories
Using skateboard... 3 calories
For normal healthy man... 2.5 calories
Losing erection... 14 calories
Searching for it... 115 calories
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection... 1.5 calories
Without erection... 300 calories
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced... 6 calories
Inexperienced... 73 calories
If a man does it... 650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.
POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS
Bouncing... 7 calories
Sliding around... 9 calories
Serious skidding... 12 calories
Whiplash... 27 calories
Real... 27 calories
Faked... 160 calories
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off... 35 calories
Expression didn't change... 0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled... 6 calories
Large birds... 7 calories
Small birds... 3 calories
Earth moved... 30 calories
After orgasm... 0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm... 500 calories
For woman... 3 calories
For men... 72 calories
Banging your boss for a promotion... 30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'... 10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room... 7 calories
Putting it on your expense account... 9 calories
Partner keeps showing plant... 5 calories
Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay... 14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time... 10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls... 7 calories
Partner is making phone calls... 40 calories
By partner's spouse... 60 calories
By your spouse... 100 calories
Trying to explain... 55 calories
Trying to remain calm... 100 calories
Leaping out of bed... 75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion... 500 calories
You Know You're In Trouble When...
...Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
...Your suggestion box starts ticking.
...Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
...The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
...People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
...You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
...The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
...You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed,and have less than you've ever had.
The Vision of SHORT SKIRTS AND GARTER BELTS
You walked in the room,wearing that short pink skirt,Just a hint of your garter showing above the black stockings.The seam straight,straight down your beautiful legs ending at a pair of stilleto heals.
Your blouse open,soft dewy sweat glistening off your round,ripe breasts.All eyes focused on you as you glide through the room.Mens jaws dropping,women squirming.
The fragrance of your sexiness wafting on the breeze created by your entrance.All want you.All need you.
You pass through like an angel in the night,leaving all wanting you
like a succubus.Luring us in,tempting one and all.And all that is
left is a hunger for more,drained from the lust developed in our minds.
The Vision of SHORT SKIRTS AND GARTER BELTS.
Oh gentle girl
I feel you in my arms
Close to me,
Your body snuggled against my own.
The scent of you,
The taste of you
Filling me with passion;
But not this alone makes me burn for you -
But something else.
Your very response to me -
It is YOU
That ignites the fire more.
Yet within that heat
Is a glow that is warm, not hot.
A feeling of tenderness for you.
For it is your humanity
As much as your femininity
That I do love.
Oh lady love of mine,
To be in your arms
Naked and unashamed
In our tenderness
Holding, holding, holding
Each other near.
Holding, holding, holding
Each other dear.
I would carress you
Banishing all pain and dispair.
Just caress your lovely softness,
Hearing you purr against me,
Hearing you say you want me.
I give my all to you.
Only one thing I ask of you
Beg of you-
By: M. Elaine Doss
April 6, 2002
In the stillness of night, I turned to find you there
Lying on your pillow sleeping the sleep of a Prince.
I kiss your eyelids oh so softly,
I drink your fragrance from love’s night.
Relishing the memory of you holding me,
my mouth curves a lover’s smile of delight.
I’m torn between wanting to watch you sleep
or waking you with a loving kiss upon your lips.
Embellishing the thought, my hungry eyes
take in your form; the rise and fall of your chest
With every breath… with every heartbeat.
Reminded of the blood pulsating thru your veins
racing with passion to the fulfillment of my love,
I whisper oh so softly to you:
“Awake, my love, awake to the morning dew.
Kiss the petals of Love’s flower anew.
Honey is sweet to the taste, but lies
hidden within the Keeper’s comb.
Jewels in the treasure chest await the quest,
& within you’ll find a map to guide you best.
Come to me and fan the flames that burn,
Love’s sweet flame… that leads you home.”
An Angel Cared
by Dan McDonald
Maddening, swirling, tumultuous thoughts give my heart no peace
Muscles tensing, heart's wrenching, longing for release
Walled off from emotions, numbed to dreams of bliss
Frantically grasping for a hold, sliding further into the abyss
All color drains from my world, subtle shades of gray permeate
Broken shards cast illusions, hope falsely propagates
A former warrior, battle tested, I frantically disguise my fears
Resolve dissolves, nervousness abounds as my refuge disappears
As autumn's cycle nears an end, the ice begins to advance
Stealthily attacking, patiently awaiting for a perfect chance
A frozen heart, desolate and bare, obscures all that would try to see
The warmth reflected, gives off no heat, illusions mask reality
On hands and knees, mumbling pleas, I search for sanctuary
To glimpse beyond this desolation, to a world of possibility
Eyes closed, perceptions peeked, it hovers beyond my reach
A whispered supplication, alone, these barriers I cannot breach
A gentle touch, delicate and warm, I feel her reach for me
Chasing back the shadows, an angel, cradles my sanity
Relaxing, drifting, smiling, I find comfort in her embrace
My savior and redeemer, a sassy smile upon her face
I close my eyes and search within, I'll trust my instincts this time
I feel a heart of gold as her passion's unfold, a beauty so sublime
Peace radiates from her body, a warmth soaks into my soul
A smile reflects a love so deep, my heart I cannot control
Illusions shimmer and are gone, my world is bright and true
Spring marches forth with determination as my life begins anew
To pass beyond is what I sought, but dreams do not compare
To the reality of this wonderland graced by an angel so fair
Dreams shared, rendezvous dared, we joined together as one
The bonds of my enslavement have been lifted, my battle finally won
No regrets can be found, my reflections bring no remorse
Love that binds, as the tendrils climbed lead me down this course
Peace and comfort fill my soul where once only chaos dared
Now love emanates, peace radiates, because an angel cared
12/24/2005 11:42 am
they are class