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Pissiness and sadness go together!!!
Pissiness and sadness go together!!!
Today was weird. Is weird. SHUT UP!
For those of you that have never dealt with depression... I'll give you some telltale signs of a meltdown for me:
First... I stop being funfunfun. I start getting boring and not really wanting to go out.
Then... Cravings--Potatoes. Chocolate. Ice cream.
Finally... Sudomania (female nympho).
After that comes my not wanting to leave my bed.
Well--the feelings of wanting to stay inside started about two weeks ago. I DID go out--but it wasn't as fun as it had been. I was also with my FWB; he makes me feel really good. But he's gone this weekend on a paintball trip with his buds.
I actually tortured him a little last night by telling him about how horny I was; he said that was really mean--joked that he'd be there in about four hours.
Back to topic: cravings.
Potatoes, first. This, I've decided is because when my grandparents lived with us when I was about 11, they made potatoes every night with dinner. Those were some of the most comforting times I can remember.
For those of you that don't know; depression is a chemical imbalance of sorts. Your brain is made up of millions of neurotransmitter binding sites. Each binding site is used for a different chemical. Messages are read when the chemical enters one side, goes through the sight, and exits the other side to be absorbed into the blood stream. When it's absorbed it's called "the reuptake."
When the neurotransmitter binding sites for seratonin, the chemical the makes you happy, are passed too quickly before reuptake, it's believed that they aren't read properly.
Zoloft, the product which has been prescribed for me, is an SSRI (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor), which prevents the reuptake of seratonin.
So--why do I crave sugary stuff? Sugar releases seratonin. My body WANTS to read those messages, and realizes it isn't doing so.
Why am I horny like mad? Sex releases endorphins and dopamine--other chemicals that are considered "happy" chemicals. That's why I like going to work so much... I run around the office all day long delivering printouts, faxes and mail to my coworkers that must stay at their phones and take calls. Not that working is like sex--but rushing around releases endorphins and dopamine for the same reasons.
Now... Why was today weird?
Well... The ex has been here because he can not afford the gas to and from his home and here everyday.
Although I DON'T love him--it's more along the lines of "like"... Here I was horny as hell... There he was sleeping in my bed.
I was throbbing. I NEEDED (so I felt) to be taken care of. When I found a quiet moment, I crawled under the covers with him and started playing around.
To my surprise he told me, "no." He said he felt weird with two different women and he didn't think he could do it.
"You want to remain faithful to one who is unfaithful?" I ask.
"She has a boyfriend... Do you REALLY think she'll care?"
"I don't know."
"Is she that fantastic?"
Then I got SOOOO ANGRY!! What the hell good was he if he wasn't giving me something!?! Anything!!!
Then I get up and very childish-like I say, "I hope you ruin her just as badly as you have me (I throw a pillow at his face). I hope her body turns disgusting and I hope she has too many children to care for before you trade her for another teenager! I hope you do that for the rest of your life!" (Slam door)
Then I went outside for a very heated cigarette. I was so pissed that I punched my hand leaving a bruise on my left palm and a pounding sensation on my right set of knuckles.
After the cigarette, I still wanted to murder something. I saw one of a few bubble-popper toys my kids have collected. I picked it up and went ape-shit on the tree in my yard; swinging fiercely and furociously. If the tree were young, I'm sure it would have died with energy and strength I directed at it through the poor toy. However, the tree is old and strong. Nothing happened to it.
I wish I could say the same for the toy. Completely demolished; it saw its way to the trash. I had to pick up the little balls that flung every which-way.
Then I went back inside and wanted desperately to cut. To quell this thought... As well as others... I smashed my head into one of my bookshelves a few times until I felt a lump start to form.
Now, clutching my head, I had only pain to think about and not my stupid issues. Shortly thereafter, I realized my head-bashing had inadvertantly produced a migraine. After popping two excedrines--I lay on the couch and wonder if my internet had returned (I steal it from my neighbor, and they aren't good about keeping up with the bills).
To my surprise, IT WORKED. Hence, here was my day. Yes, my head still hurts.
I miss my bud. I hope his game is a good one. Take out the vibrators and go nuts today, just as I did last night. Yes, plural. With that tingly stuff. It also tastes of mint.