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Long and deep...
Long and deep...
Kallisti_5 put up a blog about fidelity a while ago, and what he thought of the issue.
I went off on it. Not directed at him--but guys in general. How I crave them but secretly hate them. Put in about the psychological studies done that have suggested that males were more inclined to cheat (in many species).
Of course, he took offense. Said I had scorn.
Then I thought about it; I DO have scorn. Levi's not the only reason. Many men in my life that I've trusted have hurt me, terribly.
Let's start at the beginning.
This guy that used to bully me when I was very little became my friend around age eight. He used to get kids to rally around me in hatred--jeering, hitting, kicking--everything. At that time I was 6. I became friends with one of his friends. Then he decided to be my friend. "I'm Bobby's friend; you're bobby's friend-- WE should be friends."
One day we were going to play. I came over and instead (by this time I considered him a dear friend) he molested me. I felt like I was to blame because I didn't make a valiant effort to stop him. I didn't because I was paralyzed by fear. I also figured I be back to the school yard punching bag if I did. HE even used manipulation tactics to keep me quiet.
Flash forward to when I remember this for the first time (I'd forgotton about it for 3 years), and decide to tell my brother (whom I also greatly trusted) he told me there was nothing to do, so just forget about it.
I secretly believe I never told my dad about the bad stuff because I didn't want him to have the same reaction. I still won't.
This was also the year that I had a best friend that was a guy next door. He was one of few friends I'd made since we'd moved from the old house to the new one. The kid down the street told him that he couldn't be friends with me because I was a girl. This guy and I used to hang out everyday. I was crushed, immeasureably.
Forward a few more years--my other brother and his wife decide they were too close to the family and moved to Chicago (I'm serious, that's why). I asked him not to go--he was the only one that protected me from the torment of my siblings and my mother. He did, anyway. I felt like I was thrown to the wolves. I was completely heartbroken.
Now a few more years ahead. My first boyfriend that I'd ever fooled around with ended up cheating on me. I realize that I was 15, and it wasn't massive sex fests (no sex at all, in fact) or anything, but he did the manipulation thing, too.
At 16, I was majorly PLAYED by a guy that I thought was a lot like me. That's when my vindictive side kicked in--I decided to date his VERY ugly friend... Even allow this person to get further with me, sexually (I managed this feet by closing my eyes quite tightly) than his asshole friend did.
The ugly friend was very sweet to me, and I felt really bad about using him in such a way. I was not attracted to him, at all. However, I had to convince to world that I was, otherwise the ploy wouldn't work. When the original guy found out, I was looking for a good reason to get rid of Mr. Ugly; I couldn't have found a more perfect reason than the one he'd given. It was actually a really good one that I would've dumped ANY guy for: he was actually attempting total control over me.
I didn't notice it, at first. He was good. But not good, enough... According to the tests results I stumbled upon at 16, I have a very high IQ.
The reason I was not able to notice at first is because I was under the impression that ugly guys couldn't be so dominating. Wow, was I wrong.
He waited for me while I worked--even if I worked for an eight hour shift--in the parking lot the entire time. He called me everyday to get a report about what I was doing--hour-by-hour. He didn't seem angry about it when he'd ask--like he was just making conversation. Suave.
He told me that he'd called my house when I was gone. That my mother had answered and told him she knew what he wanted and blah, blah, blah. I asked mother about it--thinking, "Gosh, that isn't like her." She called him a liar. When I asked myself why he would lie about that I was able to put it all together. He wouldn't have called me when I wasn't home; he knew exactly where I was at all times. Yeah--it was over.
My next boyfriend was chubby and sweet--at first. We began to sleep together and the relationship became horrible. He stopped calling me by my name and started calling me bitch. He'd tease a little too much. Make me feel wretched at all times. He dumped me because he wanted to blankety-blank my friend--however his excuse was because I wasn't respectful of him. Awww--but he dumped me after he'd choked me for three minutes (I was right by a clock) for tearing a piece of tape off of his jacket that said, "slipknot" on it. When he let me down (I was lifted off of the ground) he said, "I warned you."
On to the next boyfriend when I was 17. He and I became physical immediately. The first time I'd even considered making out on a first date. Let alone straddled on his lap and feeling everywhere. We were, "friends with benefits" at first. We very heatedly would dry hump and paw and pet--all fully clothed, but I still couldn't get enough. He was a great kisser, and absolutely beautiful to me. One day, we were at his house and doing our thing, so I thought...
He started to kiss me, when I would get into it he screamed very loud and freaky, "NO!" So I stopped. Then he did this, again (he was the oddest b/f I had/have ever dated)... Kissing me and shouting in my face "NO!" When he came in a third time, I was pissed... So I didn't feel very turned on at all. This time I didn't kiss back.
He kicked me onto the floor (he seemed very turned on by my non-responsiveness), started singing some stupid gross song--took my sweater and pulled it over my head (I surmised to miss my facial expressions of displeasure. He fondled my breasts--and that paralyzed feeling was back. I was thinking, "Scream, hit him, DO SOMETHING!" But I couldn't. I honestly believed that he was going to me. He was the only boyfriend that I had ever felt was much stronger than I was. I knew that if he wished to take me when I didn't want it, he could. Because he did his best to get me OUT of the mood, I knew/know that he didn't want me to be willing.
Luckily for me, just as it seemed like his hands were wandering southward, his mother came home. He picked me up, sat me on the bed, pulled my sweater back down to where it should be and kissed me with a look of complete satisfaction--"Better stop. We'll do this again, later." That was the first guy I ever felt like I had real chemistry with. But I never would kiss him, again (sometimes I have common sense).
And now, the latest reason for male distrust; Levi. He did everything he could to convince me that he was not like the profile of men that I painted. At all. I fell deeply in love with him. My number one worry was that he would do something, like cheat, because I wasn't enough to keep him. Our relationship was a never a battle of love--that always held true--but everything else was another story.
Although there were many, many reasons worthy of a good dumping in our relationship, there are two that stick out the most.
The first was when he and I lived in the apartment and my son was born. One night his (Levi's) pluracy flared up; the only way he could handle the pain was with much, much whisky. I was with his mother--I couldn't get her to leave her ex's house, tried to all evening, finally gave up at 5am. Made it back home, and My man wanted to get it on.
HE strapped on this really long, curvy thing for anal. Said he wanted to "fuck me hard." He'd never said anything like that to me, before. Sex with us was always light and fun--and I enjoyed it that way.
As he did this, my son woke up. He was hungry, so he was crying. I was told to "leave him, he'll fall back asleep." I figured Levi would tire quickly. He didn't. It took far longer than I wanted it to--and I wasn't all too keen on it in the first place. After a while (30 minutes or so) it REALLY started to hurt, and my baby kept on screaming as loud as he could.
"Please stop." I said.
"Ok" he replied. His eyes seemed to turn from the beautiful, rich brown that I'd grown to love into a jet black. He merely paused and started right back up. I felt paralyzed, again. He WAS me. He who I held above all others. He who promised me he would never do wrong by me; love me; keep me. This time, like those other times of manic fear, my mind told me to do something--and although I couldn't muster any words or movement... I DID manage to cry. Once the tears started to flow, the crying turned into bawling. That's when he stopped.
I just went and tended to the baby. He apologized. Whenever I would bring it up in the future, he would claim that even though he didn't remember any of it, he knew it wasn't .
Although there were many instances of suckiness from him--what ended it was him on sex sites. That was the last straw. I think he might've cheated--but I don't know for sure. The thing he promised me would never happen. He said I was all he needed.
So, now--I'm totally different from before. Obsessed with the idea of new experiences, I spend my free nights in hopes of getting some. It took me a while, but I was able to figure out the kinds of things that different guys are into.
Kallisti_5 writes about bondage and s&m--and I want try it, a lot. This is something I had never considered in the past. I don't know why the idea excites me so much, now.
And I'm completely untrusting of guys. I hate them--but I crave them; which I don't understand. I see them as objects--nothing special; mere toys.
Deep inside there's that little piece, though--that wishes that someone WOULD come around--even if he did, though; I'm sure I'm not ready. I think that means that I'm not horribly ruined; that I'm still salvageable. But, who knows?
What do you think, friends? Have I just gotten a string of bad ones?
7/26/2006 12:33 pm
robotdevil3--I don't blame my brother for leaving. It just felt like I was all alone when he did.|
7/27/2006 12:06 am
Ouch, sounds like you've been unlucky thus far, but believe it or not, men aren't all such massive wankers.|
Failing that, you could just set fire to the lot of them, but I'm not sure that's a very wise idea.
7/27/2006 12:51 am
I read your entry a few hours ago and have been thinking about it in the back of my mind ever since.|
You have definitely found yourself a string of bad ones, no question.
As far as what to do about that...
Some of the abuse you suffered when you were young might be worth discussing with a therapist at some point. I have been to therapists and counselors at several points in my life, not because I thought there was something wrong with me but rather because I was trying to heal from some bad experiences and I wanted someone to guide me through the healing process so my recovery would be complete or nearly so.
You will find good guys and bad ones almost everywhere you go. They don't wear badges that tell you which type they are. All you can do is see if there is chemistry and then decide whether to go for it or not.
I don't recommend getting involved with anyone you aren't attracted to, expecially not on a long-term basis. In the short term it might boost your ego but in the long term the person will likely sense your disinterest and may resent you for it.
As for your interest in B&D... just make sure you trust your partner(s). Trust is a much bigger requirement for that sort of sex play than almost any other I can think of.
7/27/2006 2:01 am
wow. We all have skeletons in our closet, and i bet I can top yyou too, but we all struggle thru bones in our closet. WE ALL do. I don't care what the guys say. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.|
oh...and please don't punish me mistress...lol Im the opposite. Im submissive..
7/27/2006 6:52 am
As far as the therapy piece... Been there, done that. Most of the stuff listed I don't think about, and feel that I am past. The only reason why it was back in my brain was because I wanted to figure out WHY I was scornful. I'm not tortured by these things on a daily basis (really).|
I'm usually quite happy, believe it or not. How couldn't I be? I have three wonderful babies (well, only one is technically a baby) that make everyday sweet. I know that's a mushy, mommy thing to say--but it's the truth.
7/27/2006 7:01 am
As far as the sub/dom--a little from column "a" and a little from column "b."|
7/28/2006 7:35 am
Heya, seems you have had alot of bad luck with relationships in your life. We have not talked a whole lot, well much at all yet. But I am sorry you have had to go thru all of that. *hugs*|