Tragedy Worthy of Shakespeare (pt 5)  

rm_lebaptiste 60M
28 posts
9/9/2006 7:41 am

Last Read:
7/31/2007 2:38 pm

Tragedy Worthy of Shakespeare (pt 5)

[blog lebaptiste]
So Mary started to go out evenings with the neighbours and I was fine with that. I was really busy, often working late into the night to keep our lovely house. She began to stay out later and later but, on Friday nights after her 'night out with the girls, she's come home and shag me senseless on the settee. But all the time, the rot was eating away at her.
Mary does not tell how she feels. She tends to bottle it up until it grows into a monster inside her. Then it bursts out in what looks like an irrational explosion. But when you say 'OK let's talk about it' she responds with 'I'm not talking about it right now' and goes to bed. I tend to talk about my problems and really cannot understand people who cannot. I'm a good listener if given the chance.
So there we are, I'm working late, she's feeling lonely. She's put on the pounds and I'm joking about it. She wants to go out, but I'm too tired.
On my birthday this year, she secretly booked a week at Centre Parcs and arranged with my work to give me the week off. She arranged friends from 600 miles away to come share it with me and, on the premise of 'going for a walk in the woods' drove us out there (I had recently taught her to drive). It was a complete surprise and a fantastic week.
4 weeks later, on St Valentine's Day, she bought me the most romantic card. It said she would love me forever. 1 month after that - it was all over.
On March 13th, I noticed she look a bit down so I asked what was wrong. She said 'nothing', so I knew there was a problem. So I pushed.
"I'm not happy", she said and my world came tumbling down around me. She listed her reasons: I'm always working, I insult her size, I never want to do anything or go anywhere. And worse, she's met some empathy predator who has been buying her lunch and listening to her problems....
I change. I work downstairs and stop when her TV is over. We go out for meals, we go to the pub together, we spend a weekend in Derbyshire - a great weekend (and very expensive). I surprize her with a couple of hours horse riding - something she's always wanted to do. But by this time something has died.
In any relationship, it's the 'little intimacies' that keep the love alive. The hugs, the quick pecks, the pokes in ribs as you sit side by side. The kiss when you come in from work, or before you go out.The little notes in lunchboxes. All of this stopped dead on march 13th this year. The 'little intimacies' are the glue that ensures a relationship survives the spats (remember, we NEVER rowed). When that stops, the love dies. And her love for me died but mine didn't - and still hasn't. At one point, on a special prescription from the doctor which, as a side effect, caused depression, I nearly threw myself from a tower building. I still sometimes wish I had.
She made me think it would be alright to fall in love with her and so, perhaps properly for the first time, I did - I gave her 100% of my soul and she took it away with her.

I have never loved anyone as much. I have never hurt this much. I've never gone this long without sex either and that's driving me insane.

I'm 50 now (she's 31). I've been spoilt I know; had perfection and lost it. I still wonder sometimes how I shall ever come to terms with that. True happiness only ever comes along if you're truly lucky and can meet your soul-mate. I had mine and now I have to live with the knowledge that I fucked up big time. And all for the love of her.

TnWitchyWoman 56F
6852 posts
9/9/2006 10:47 am

Our love dies in so many different ways, some literally some figuratively, but the pain and the vast hole it leaves behind is still the same. I'm sorry for your loss.


rm_lebaptiste 60M
17 posts
9/9/2006 12:54 pm

I appreciate your comment, Lori. Ty.

zjensualLady 55F

10/5/2006 2:23 am

Ok ...somehow after reading one post yesterday evening on your take on passion....I'm suddenly extremely intrigued by you and began reading a couple more of your posts....this evening I rented the movie Vanilla sky and watched it again......Somehow in a strange way...this post of yours is reminiscent of that movie......perhaps yes the inbetween times....of highs and lows in our relationships,etc are the most valuable and perhaps the most dismissed part of our lives...and in retrospect ,we look back and as they say hindsight is 20/20.....So....what can we do? Live with no regrets....Marianne Williamson ( I think this is her quote) said the biggest mistake we make is not to let love in. I guess we live by trial and error learning to keep out eyes open and discovering what is most important to us after all.But no worries as life goes on and we keep learning on this journey til we get it right (or do we?)and perhaps meet in another life as cats

rm_lebaptiste 60M
17 posts
10/6/2006 4:52 pm

Hi Zjensual Lady. Thanks for your comment (and the email - I'll get back to you soon, I promise). I've not seen Vanilla Sky - would you recommend I do? I think you're referring to my 'little intimacies', the pecks and pokes that glue us together when you say that 'inbetween times' are the most valuable and overlooked. Hindsight - sometimes I wonder if hindsight is a good thing. It's supposed to teach us what to look out for, but let's face it, in hindsight, it doesn't does it?

I think 'the biggest mistake not to let love in' could only be said by someone who is not currently suffering the consequences of doing just that. But of course THAT opinion is mine only because of my current circumstance - as all opinions are, of course.

Coming back as a cat would be a hoot. You get to sh*t everywhere, throw up on things, tear the house to shreds and still get two good meals a day, the right to sleep anywhere and pampered stroking as a reward for just 'looking cute'. Yeah - I'd be a cat, lol.

zjensualLady 55F

10/20/2006 2:59 am

hmmm i guess i should check these things more often i just saw your reply.....vanilla sky was a very off the wall film ..... yeah see it if u like........ive lived and loved and yes have experienced heartache as well....but life goes on ...and yes i'll keep on doing it again until i get it right......speaking of cats...i was invited to a halloween party and suggested to go as a "bad kitty" lol.......what on earth should my escort dress as????

rm_lebaptiste 60M
17 posts
10/20/2006 4:45 pm

Hi Zjensual lady. You say you've lived and loved - and experienced heartache - isn't that the most awful of pains? The trouble is, I think, that as humans we forget pain, we remember that it hurt, but not the extent to which it did (this has to explain why some women have more than 1 child, lol). And I think that that is a survival thing, handed down by evolution.

You say that you will keep on doing it until you get it right. Well, I'm not sure I want to do it again. I've suffered hell since last March and am only now climbing out of that particular pit. There's no way I'm going to allow myself to feel that bad again. But life has a knack of upsetting all our applecarts....

If you're going to a halloween party dressed as a 'naughty kitty' can I be your escort? Such a shame CA is so far away As for what your escort should dress as... that's a difficult one. A dog perhaps to chase you, but that's not really a halloween thing. A James Bond baddie? I seem to remember they always had a cat on their arm. How about a witch - not original, but I'm sure he'd hope you would get 'familiar' later. A tom cat then, but that's not really festive either .... I'm not very good at this am I?

Whatever your escort goes as, he needs to appreciate he's a lucky guy - and I'm fully aware of the assumption that your escort is indeed, male. Whatever - have a great time.

zjensualLady 55F

10/20/2006 10:35 pm

Hi again .....Yes heartache is an awful pain......but not so bad as losing someone we love when they pass away....Once I love someone I tend to always love them.....even if the relationship changes......I always will value the relationships I've had and treasure the wonderful memories and hold to heart the lessons in the painful seems we meet those that we are meant to learn valuable lessons from as well as to teach....and yes is sad when it becomes apparent we must move on far as forgetting the pain of childbirth.....I can truthfully say impossible...but somehow the inherent love of a mother and child will forgo that pain to experience that deep love and bond.

thanks for the fun costume ideas....and you are so sweet..thank you

long_haired_bi_M 38M
3331 posts
11/6/2006 12:50 pm

sadley this is not so uncommon a tale. people make things worse while trying there hardest to keep it all together

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