I'm So Tired  

rm_kymlee3 43F
71 posts
11/27/2005 7:07 pm

Last Read:
3/16/2006 1:50 am

I'm So Tired

Okay...here I am on another tirade. I am tired of all the games that I feel I have been a part of lately. I think that I found a guy I could really get to like and then he tells me that he has feelings for someone else and has for a while and that she likes him too. Well far be it to stand in the way of that, but I wish that I wasn't such a doormat. They are both my friends and I want the best for them, so I helped him make up his mind of who he wanted. Well, obviously it wasn't me and so to help them out I told him that I was going to diappear for a while so that they can have an honest chance at getting together. I mean wouldn't it be hard to have someone that you said you liked around while you were trying to get with someone else? I know I sound selfish and that I am a feeling a bit sorry for myself, but I feel like that worlds biggest loser. I mean, my husband walks out on me and I lose my job and then when I think that things are going okay I get slammed again. I am so tired of it. I have had such a great time meeting people here on AdultFriendFinder, but sometimes there is more to life than sex. Don't get me wrong, the sex has been great, some of the best I have ever had, but I couldn't even get laid on my birthday. I don't know what is wrong with me. I guess I am just having yet another bad day. I will probably close my year out in a bad way too. I mean, last night I got drunk and I am so not a drinker. I don't want to feel like I have to get drunk just to feel wanted. This year has been by far the worst year that I have had with the exception of meeting some really great new people. I just don't know where to go anymore. I like hanging out and just having fun, but now that is not an option. I think that it would hurt too much if I were to see them together and so I made the choice to just disappear. It really sucks having to be the nice person all the time. And it takes so much more energy being a bitch and that is not who I am. I really need some input. Why do things have to be so difficult. The first nice guy that I meet in a long time that doesn't want to just have sex with me and I step aside. He said that he doesn't want to lose our friendship and I don't either which is another reason that I am just going to step aside and let him have a chance with someone else. He said that one of the great things that they have in common is that they have known eachother for a long time and that they have both been hurt. I don't think that he knows the half of what it means to be hurt. I mean try being with someone for 2 and a half years and then have them get married to someone they met on the internet less than a year later. Then, try to not fall in love again and when you do, you spend nine years with that person and marry them and then they walk out on you the same day that you lose your job. If I don't know what being hurt is, then I guess that I was just having fun all that time. I don't want to be bitter and I hope that things work out for them, but he and I have spent almost everyday together or talking for the last month. When did he decide that he still liked someone else and wanted to be with them? I mean, you could have just pushed me over with a feather when he told me who he liked. I never saw it coming. But then again, I guess I am just a pushover. I let people lead me around and then walk on me. I am just so tired of it happening all the time. Like I said before, I have met a lot of really great people here on AdultFriendFinder and I want to meet more, but I guess with the holidays here I feel like I am missing something in my life. I made the decission a while back that I don't want kids. It's probably for the best anyway that I don't have any and I know that I am not going to get any younger and the older I do get the harder it is to have kids. I also made this decission because I don't think that I could have kids without being in a relationship and the way my life seems to be headed, I will never have a relationship without always wondering or being on guard of when will this one fail. I know that I am being down, but it took me a long time to like myself again after all the hurt that I have endured and now I keep asking myself what is wrong with me? I don't think that I am that pretty and I have always viewed myself as a cow but I finally started to like me a little and now I am feeling back to where I was. Am I pretty and am I too fat still? I mean I have lost almost 2 waist sizes and I almost never eat anymore and I am constantly working and trying to lose more weight. I know that I will never be skinny and, no offense to all the women that are, I wouldn't want to be. I don't have the genetic material in me to be skinny. Another good arguement for me to not want kids. I have been fat my whole life and I wouldn't want to get fatter being pregnant. Don't get me wrong I like kids, just not for myself. I don't know that I would be a good mom anyway. If I can't take care of myself and like me, what kind of role model would I be for kids? I know that everyone is probably tired of hearing my tirade and me being down on myself. I didn't mean to make this into a pity party for myself, but I just can't seem to like me like I used to. I just feel useless and a waste of peoples time. I mean who would want to know someone like me that is so down on themselves, but builds everyone else up? I keep trying to see the positive things in my life, but right now they are far and in between and it just hurts. I just wish that I could find a friend that makes me feel special but doesn't make me feel so special that I get hurt. Why do I let these things happen to me? I guess that one advantage is that I didn't have sex with him, but I told him some things that I would never tell anyone else. I know that he said he wouldn't tell anyone else, but I don't open myself up to just anybody. I try to keep certain things private because I don't want them to come back and hurt me with them. Why am I such a doormat? I guess that I just like being used, but I don't want to just be used. I want to be liked for who I am, not what I can so for someone. Don't get me wrong. I like having no strings sex, but I don't think that that is all there is to me. I didn't have sex with him, his choice, not mine, and look where I am now. Feeling hurt and alone again. I guess that I am just feeling sorry for myself and I know that you are all probably tired of hearing my tirade. I will close this for now and maybe things will look better later and I can tell you all about the fun times that I have had. If any of you have any advice or feedback, let me know. I talk all comments as constructive. Take care and I will write more soon...hopefully about the next time I have sex. I has been over a month after all and I am feeling frisky...so, who knows.

run4fun232 54M  
4576 posts
11/28/2005 6:11 am

Hang in there. No one said life was fair. You seem sincere. Just keep being true to yourself and everything will work out fine in the end. Really.

byte22880 36M

11/28/2005 3:22 pm

You are a beautiful woman no matter what happens. Don't sell yourself short because you deserve the best. From what I know of you from your blog you are a very good person.

rm_Breather35 46M

11/29/2005 1:19 pm

don't get too down on yourself. Life is a real bitch at times, I know from experience. You seem like a great person, so keep your chin up, try to enjoy life even when its hard. Good luck!

Become a member to create a blog