who is fooling who  

rm_krystalklr 55F
14 posts
10/27/2005 9:28 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

who is fooling who


Right Where It Belongs

See the animal in it's cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all Right where it belongs

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you wanted to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your heart
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you really are alone
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the words
Are you hiding in the dreams?

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you wanted to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

These are lyrics from NIN song that I've really been able to relate to lately. I think I'd been living in an illusion of love, love long lost but I was too afraid to see.

What is the good news is...I'm waking up from that "elaborate dream" while at the same time holding onto the beauty of what once was a great love. He once said I was "the one" and even when he left said I'd be the only "one" he'd ever love. For his sake, I sincerely hope that isn't true. For my sake I will find love again, only this time I don't enter into love with rose colored glasses on. I'm not "needy" for affection & attention as I was when he & I met. I think that is why I was swept off my feet, because I needed what he had to offer at that time.

I've pondered about many things the last few weeks and one thing hit me today (While I was mowing the grass of all things!) when he & I met online he failed to show any chinks in his armor. Many of the people I've met here online recently aren't afraid to show their weaknesses, their "chinks", their troubles & flaws. That's one thing he failed to show me, until I was captivated by his spell, then I was in love, overlooked the "flags" as a dear friend here cautions me about all the time. I kept overlooking those flags for years.

I had kids....he hates kids...said kids were best served "medium rare with a side of fava beans". He wasn't joking! My children were nearly eaten alive & I ignored it for years, due to my love for him. I just found out last week from my youngest sons step mother that one day when my son was at my house, he had gotten dirty when he was out playing. Rather than come home here & risk being yelled at for being dirty by my separated...he went to his fathers house & took a shower so he could come here clean & not get yelled at, simply for really, being a child... BIG FLAG...I ignored it.

It breaks my heart what I subjected my children to be with this man. Yes, I did love him very much but I always felt caught between those 2 great loves I had...the love for my kids and the love for him. Just learning the above story a few weeks ago drove it all home, how negatively they were impacted, yet they hid it even from me. Really, that breaks my heart.

The lyrics above also speak of things not being quite what they seem. I feel for many years what I thought was real in my life, what "was" really wasn't. This has encouraged me to take a hard look at reality...the what is now. I'll not make the same mistake again.

The sad thing is I was fooling myself! I had a perfect love...but when it started coming apart, I mentally ran off to the elaborate dream, even though it was no longer real. Yes, I am not the only one at fault here. When love starts to wain we do owe it to those we loved to be honest about it, rather than holding onto something that is fading. I don't know why, but he didn't tell me sooner. I would have loved him until the end of time, had he allowed me but I guess reality is, even the greatest love doesn't last forever, and we owe it to ourselves and those we loved to be fearless in the truth....rather than it all come crashing down violently.

rob69u2 49M

10/28/2005 1:31 am

I didn't know you were such a NIN fan, but then again I learn something knew about you every time I talk to you.


rm_Hunter36 56M

10/28/2005 12:23 pm

You are a beautiful woman and I don't mean just physically. If only I had found you first.

I am afraid to look too closely into the cage.. I fear to realize I am the one in captivity living a lie.


rm_krystalklr 55F

10/30/2005 6:25 am

Rob....
aye....I am a fan....their lyrics really hit home on a lot of songs for me and my eldest son as well. His fav NiN song is Hurt. One day he & I were talking about the pain we both went thru when I left his dad & left him with his dad. He was 9 when that happened & it devastated him. He begged me to take him with me, I knew it was best for him to stay where he was at rather than totally uprooting his life. After he begged me...I remember going out to my car, I was going away with my now separated to start a life with him. My heart was literally feeling like it was being ripped out of my chest.....my now separated asked me if I was ok.....I lied & said yes. I wanted to die....it was the greatest heartache/pain in my heart I'd ever felt. In retrospect I now realize that was likely the biggest "flag" fo all....& I ignored it.

Anyway, prior to my eldest going to college we wanted to set his past straight with me. Even though the song "Hurt" is about a junkie..Jon said he heart since I'd left felt dead. I was as his mom the greatest love in his young life....his world truly did revolve around our affection for each other. He said he wanted to be able to feel in his heart again, something he says he hadn't been able to do since I left. He said he understood what it was like to try to hurt himself, just to see if he could feel anything. (yes as a mom that killed me.....I have to live with this forever & it is hard) Also tha part of the song where it says everyone he loves disappears in the end....well, it doesn't take a rock scientist to figure out WHO made him feel that way.

After our conversation prior to his going to college, he said a lot of things he needed to say. It was a sort of "cleansing" for him. Yes, it hurt me terribly....but really I love him & he had to get it out & as a parent whether it hurts us or not, we all who have kids know...we are there for them in good or bad.....& will always love them regardless of how much it hurts us. After our conversation, he felt much better...the cleansing worked for him. I sincerely hope he is able to grow beyond the feelings of abandonment he felt (I was away from him for a year, then in order for me to "live" I had to come back to my kids). He knows, sees & acknowledges all I went thru to "right the wrong", hence loves me for it & says he has forgiven me & it is behind us. One thing he also said is everyone else has "forgiven" me....problem is he also said he knows I haven't forgiven myself. He is right.

I will have to live forever with the memory of his begging me & me going back to that car to leave for Florida. I know on my death bed, when my life flashes before my eyes....that memory will flash before me...I absolutely know it...I just pray by that time, maybe I'll have found forgiveness for myself.

One other thing I've come to appreciate is I want to live my life now & forever to the point whee I will never again have to "right the wrong". My separated found one of the most exasperating things about me is my having to right the wrongs in the first place. If I never wrong...I won't have to worry about making things right again. He puts it simply....look before you leap, think before you say or act.

He is right..... still because I know I'm an adaptable person I feel that if I do screw up, I have the strength of character & the determination to do whatever it takes to set things straight. Only thing is...really...wouldn't it be easier, smarter, better for those around me & better for myself if I do stay true to my values & stay true to my heart & conscience...do give serious consideration to what my "gut" is saying is right...not ignore the "flags" Rob, you so often talk to me about....if I do these things it will not only spare those around me much anguish & pain...it will spare me the pain as well, will save me having to spend months or years trying to right a wrong.

So yes...I was fooling me, but Inever will again.

KK


rm_krystalklr 55F

10/30/2005 6:41 am

"hunter"

Please read the above post of what I went thru. You are a good man...do not regret the choices you've made because they ARE the right choices & perhaps if you read what I went thru with my eldest, it will reaffirm in your mind you're doing the right thing!

This isn't advice...ok??? *LOL* (smile...I don't want to use another "token")...I respect you for the tough choice you've made, but you have the best reason in the world for making it & you know who I am talking about! You CHOSE and the choice you've made IS the RIGHT choice & you really know that, don't you?

All of us live in some form of "captivity" during our lives & often we do it to support our values & to follow our gut. Is it really captivity if we made the decision for a sound reason? I don't think so. The absolute beauty about life is...it isn't over until it's over & hopefully we have plenty of time to live all our dreams, see our hopes come true, and give us all the beauty we need to find, especially after we have lived in our commitments even if doing so makes us feel we at times have made a choice we aren't really "happy" with, but KNOW is right. Stay true to yourself & your values & I truly believe LIFE will reward you in the end. Hang in there baby...you know you're beautiful!

KK


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