something I'd forgotten is coming back  

rm_krystalklr 55F
14 posts
10/30/2005 12:14 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

something I'd forgotten is coming back

Over the last 2 days I've sensed a change in me, sensing something from many years ago of which I only had the briefest glimpse. This morning it hit me full force and it is fabulous! I'm excited to have rediscovered something that makes me who I am, something that for some reason seems to be lost when I'm "married" & oddly enough I can not explain why.

What have I found again?? My sense of independance .... liberation.... freedom.... my zest for life .... the spark that makes life "fun" not a chore.

The last time I "felt" this was ever too brief. It was the day I drove from my home to meet another person I'd learned to care for. I knew on that day I was leaving the "weight" of my first marriage behind. I felt free, I felt liberated, I felt I could do anything I wanted to do...and best yet...I DID!!!!

Sadly those feeling were far too abbreviated in my life. I became involved in another relationship that was indeed beautiful...but once again...began to lose my sense of this "self" that is returning to me.

I'm sure psychologists could analyze why this occured...I honestly don't understand it. One thing I do understand at this moment is being married is not for me. I'd said that before, but didn't "stick to my guns" & I remarried. Well, now that one is over or coming to an end (separated) I understand now...more than ever I just don't want to lose what I'm getting back. I want to remain liberated, free, independant, able to do what I want when I want it.

It is a beautiful gift I've been able to give myself...and a gift I will cherish this time. What I find most intriguing about this gift is it really is what makes me appealing as a person. The free-spiritedness & spontanious joy associated with it makes my life & me "fun".

YIPEEE!!!!! I'm becoming me once again!

AreasIdlesHorns 57M
1 post
11/1/2005 4:45 am

"Self Actualization is the intrinsic growth of what is already in the organism, or more accurately, of what the organism is."
-Abraham Maslow

rob69u2 49M

11/1/2005 5:28 am

For some the experience of liberation and freedom can be far to frightening for them to deal with and like in 'The Allagory of the Cave' from Plato, one might find them running back to that which they know and have a comfort with, even if it's not what is best for them. I'm happy to know that instead you have found this feeling to be one of happiness and that you have found your sense of self. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to say that marriage or commited relationships are a bad thing because there are good ones out there where the couple nurture one another and maintain there since of self. This is a healthy relation to have. My hope is that some day you will find that person the compliments you, not completes you, as that is for you to do on your own.

As always, it has been my pleasure in getting to know you and I am honored that you share so much with me and confide in my trust.

*Doing the happy dance with Krystal*

rm_krystalklr 55F

11/1/2005 7:13 pm

Oh "W"...aka Gator, you're sooo phylospohical.....umm tell me, did I spell that right?


rm_krystalklr 55F

11/1/2005 7:16 pm


You DID IT AGAIN!!! I always (many many years ago) use to type about doing the happy dance in chat! I'm telling ya, you're my secret long lost twin brother who is a few (not too many) years younger than me!


DevilDancing46 66M
1 post
11/1/2005 7:44 pm

After reading you blog, I wanted to write and say how touched I was. I could throw out lots of cliches such as better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all, the difference between love and hate is a very thin line,or just as it takes two to make a marriage it takes two to break a marriage. All of these are true to a great extent, but they don't ease the pain. Your children did what they did because they love you!! Love themn back and they'll get past this. Your husband deceived not only you but himself as well to marry someone with children, knowing he didn't like kids. Remember...a loving relationship allows ALL the people involved to grow and nurture each other. If you love someone you don't want to control them, as that only stifles their growth. Good Luck and hang in there. And, if you haven't already done so, thank your son for having the smarts to do what he did to avoid a conflict. And, as hard as it may be, thank your first husband and his wife for allowing it.

rm_krystalklr 55F

11/2/2005 5:00 pm

Hey devil,

Thanks for visiting my little corner of the net. I can see you basically read all my blogs.

You're right on many matters it does take 2 to make & break a marriage, or really any relationship for that matter. I was no angel, I did plenty of my own screwing up to ruin what once was. I don't know if it was deceit, I think really more what we both had done was fool ourselves, trying to hang onto something that had changed yet neither he nor I had the courage to admit it.

Have you ever cared for someone so much that you thought you could endure anything for that person or endure anything for the love of them? Well, I'm pretty certain that is why he chose to be with me inspite of kids & likewise why I chose to be with him in the first place. I don't think there was deception there...simply a very basic thing we all have experienced at one time or another in varying (sp?) degrees....BLIND LOVE.

The deceiving or I now prefer to say "denying of truth" only came from both of us (I too was guilty of this) when we realized what we had was threatened by each other & circumstances. I don't believe there was any intentional harm from either one of us...still that doesn't make harm any less real.

My sons are amazing.....and it was my youngest who did what he did to avoid conflict, he's 15. I cried when my first husbands wife told me what happened.... she has been a real comfort to me in all my recent changes.

Thanks for avoiding the cliches.....I may beg to differ with you, had you posted them


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