To thy own self be true  

rm_krystalklr 55F
14 posts
10/19/2005 5:17 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

To thy own self be true


Had to revise this post.......I'm not sure what is true to me in my heart as far as love and friendship is concerned. On that playing field I am totally confused.

On a personal level I realize my value, just am tired of being played & not sure who is playing me.

Let me try to explain as simply as possible.

I loved a man with all my heart, don't know whether I love him still or not. I ignore that as best I can daily. It was beautiful...the most treasured thing in my life at that moment in time...thought, hoped & dreamed it would last forever, but it didn't.

To this day I'm don't know what was true and illusion as far as he is concerned. I'd like to think it was true, but if it were, wouldn't it last forever?

Things changed....got muddled, confusing, I lost sight of what was true or false. A mutual "friend" came into play....I'd rather not go into that, but it seemed to make things worse, not better.

I'd lost myself in that love I had for him, but at the same time found someone I am. The more I tried to love him...the further he grew from me. Is it possible to love too much? Did I put a stranglehold on that love? I saw it slipping away thru my fingers...I didn't want to lose it, maybe it was lost already, I just don't know.

I felt as though I couldn't get any straight answers from anyone. I felt like I was a pawn in 1 perhaps 2 other peoples game. I had to stop and look at me.......hard to do when you've wrapped your hopes, dreams and life around another.

What did I see for me...how could I be true to myself. Well, I was tired of what felt like a game, a bad joke on me. I was tired & I wanted out. I didn't want to see my kids get hurt anymore, and finally I got to the point where I didn't want to see myself be hurt anymore. Yes, I stood up for "me" but lost "him". He says to me I inflicted this pain on myself & that is true. I had also previously allowed him to inflict pain on me as well. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

So, now I'm alone. With myself. What have I learned? I am valueable, I have time to care for others who need me, I have time to care for myself, though that is difficult right now. There are times I just want to be alone to cry for the great love that disappeared & I didn't know how to save it. Was it real? he says yes, but if so, how could it end?

I am giving, I am gentle but a little onery. I don't want to hurt anyone, I know if I do it will come back around. This is why I had to revise this post...the last one was filled with anger & hatred.....false hatred, because on some level I still love him. Yes, call me sick & glutton for punishment.....how does it ever disappear?

I am willing to share, as my eldest son says, I would do anything for anyone I love...to the fault of hurting myself previously & them too when I couldn't live up to the expectations others had of me. My greatest sin is I love too much. I don't know how to end that sin.

I've been so honest with my raw emotion lately I at times feel I'm being eaten alive by it. So I sit alone, cry, try to think on the bright side like many encourage me to do...but it doesn't last. It is fleeting.

rm_batman19642 52M

10/27/2005 8:53 pm

In every word, every sentence, and every paragraph; I can relate so well to this message that it's not worth the time to respond. Because in the end, the only person you have to understand and live with is the one in the mirror. I raise a glass to you right now, and wish you only the best as you face each days challenges. Salute'


rm_krystalklr 55F

10/30/2005 5:57 am

thanks batman for being understanding & I hope we both not only "hang in there" but excel in finding joy & peace.

KK


pleasureyourclit 66M
836 posts
10/30/2005 11:42 am

Don’t look back at the want if’s , pain and heartbreak but look ahead to each sunrise for they will be brighter and brighter … for down deep with in yourself is a strong lady just waiting to be release to enjoy life and everything it has to offer!


rm_krystalklr 55F

10/31/2005 6:02 pm

I want to thank you for your kind words and that strong lady is here, she just has moments of weakness. I know I am the one to release myself as well.....it is a work in progress & is progressing nicely! Thanks again!

KK


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