Marriage Contract for Women  

rm_kelli4u2dew 41F
7027 posts
3/6/2006 9:28 pm

Last Read:
4/10/2006 10:30 pm

Marriage Contract for Women

Too good not to pass along.

--------------------------------------------------

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would be jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy.
Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...
Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".
Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.
Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)


caressmewell 53F

3/6/2006 10:44 pm

cute


Nightguy_1961 55M
4866 posts
3/6/2006 11:11 pm



OUCH!!!!


rm_ricop1379 37M

3/7/2006 12:00 am

Section 2, 4, 4.01, and 5.03 are not necessary.

Section 6 should be changed to accept a polygamist marriage should things get boring.

Other than that, excellent contract.


pinkzplaytoyz 49F

3/7/2006 5:31 am


I love that!!!!
The funny part is, 98% of the men in the area I live in now fit those descriptions, LOL!!!


rm_kelli4u2dew 41F
5220 posts
3/7/2006 6:05 am

Pink, having lived in Kentucky for 9 years, this is all too close to the truth in many cases.


Efilnikufesin69 47M

3/7/2006 8:01 am

Agreed! LMAO!


sillyperv 54M

3/7/2006 8:12 am

What the funny? Me no get.

Where joke laugh clause?

Smart me find flaw.

Sex me get now, k!


Allsleeky 35F

3/7/2006 8:12 am

I agree, very cute with a lot of truth in it


SirluvsStorms 46M
684 posts
3/7/2006 9:14 am

Enjoyed it very much!


MillsShipsGayly 51M

3/7/2006 9:24 am

    Quoting TTigerAtty:
    Under Section 6, there should be specific terms and conditions applying to the division of marital property in which the wife waives any rights that may otherwise pertain by state laws regarding the dissolution of marriage and wherein she agrees to be bound by the terms and conditions of a separate but equally binding pre-nuptial agreement that spells out the property settlement. Generally, she should be allowed to take her clothing, shoes, toiletries, personal jewelry other than expensive diamonds given to her by her husband in a normally futile attempt to purchase her loyalty and fidelity, and any other items that the husband may wish to send with her, e.g. pet goldfish, parakeets, hamsters, etc. In all cases, the family dog, the season football and basketball tickets, etc. will remain the property of the husband.
I want you as my attorney !!!!!


digdug41 49M

3/7/2006 9:46 am

interesting list and funny too

roaming the cyber streets of blogland


RockerKids 40M/34F

3/7/2006 11:04 am

That is TOO funny...so glad my man is not like that!


rm_kelli4u2dew 41F
5220 posts
3/7/2006 11:16 am

TTiger - Grrrrrrr!!! Down Boy!!! Damn, does that sound like my ex!

I'm living in Denver now, and trying to take the Bronco season tickets might be considered grounds for justifiable homicide! (No matter which spouse was killed).

Old joke: Missing - husband, pickup, dog. Reward for pickup and dog.


2nc1970 46M
25 posts
3/7/2006 11:18 am

obviously written by a long term married / recently divorced person......should be "required reading" for both parties of the marriage....that way the woman knows what she's in for...and the male knows he's being a dick...well...for just being a sterotypical male.....CHANGE THE BEHAVIOR BEFORE MARRIAGE cause it aint changing afterwards!


Sorceror07 54M

3/7/2006 12:48 pm

lol! too funny and in many cases... sadly true too.

...but not in my case

...That which does not kill me merely pisses me off!...


SlowPlayin 50M

3/7/2006 1:50 pm

Kelly,
That's just wrong ... lol. I forgive you though since you DID live in Kentucky. Isn't the favorite male saying in Kentucky ... wollll, guess I'm gonna go down the rolllld, to the house and watch some TV (ennunciatory emphasis on TV)... y'all tek keer now.

I hope none of my friends from Ky. read this.

You're not funny, by the way.

Jim


rm_kelli4u2dew 41F
5220 posts
3/7/2006 3:39 pm

SlowPlayin - the favorite male saying in Kentucky (folks, I'm not making this up) "She'd make a good wife. She has all her teeth!"

Jim, tell me I'm wrong! And no, I don't think it's particularly funny. It sounds a hell of a lot like my marriage, including TTiger's clause.


SlowPlayin 50M

3/7/2006 9:42 pm

Kelli,
This is another one of those times that I (one of those men) got it wrong ... I actually thought your post WAS funny and I chuckled as I read it so I thought you were being facetious ... so I was being facetious in saying your not funny ... lol.

Wow ... I'm being sincere in saying that if your post reminds you of your marriage ... congragulations for not being in it anymore.

By the way ... I like your sense of humor ... most of the time.

Jim


JustExploring96 47M

3/7/2006 11:04 pm

I've seen this before and there is just way too much truth in it for some types for it to ever be funny for me. Not to mention, after my initial reaction my next thought is there is absolutely no fun in that for either person involved.


SirluvsStorms 46M
684 posts
3/8/2006 12:22 am

gave away everything but my kids in my divorce .. fought for them teeth and nails..


rm_kelli4u2dew 41F
5220 posts
3/8/2006 7:16 am

SlowPlayin - your comment on pushing the red button (TabithaElectra's blog) caused me to laugh out loud. Best thing that happened to me yesterday. Thanks, honey.


blueguy1051 60M

3/8/2006 10:27 am

The first time I heard the "she's got all her teeth" comment, I was struck speechless. Then, as I spent more time in KY, I saw the reality behind it. Strange place ...


StaynHardnHot 42M
305 posts
3/8/2006 11:32 am

Kelli...this is absolute genuis!!. Do you think we can copywrite this an market it as a comedic value to women worldwide?? Keep the hits comin darling...you're awesome..

Chris


rm_kelli4u2dew 41F
5220 posts
3/8/2006 12:17 pm

StaynHard - I can't take credit for this, a friend (female) emailed it to me.


zorgnot2 60M

3/8/2006 8:03 pm

Some of these are pretty funny except that there is a perception-rightfully so, perhaps- that even the smallest of them have any grain of truth.
Pretty sad testimony for what seems to be a sizable (no pun intended) percentage of men.


rm_Mentalride 41M
8 posts
3/9/2006 10:18 pm

This was good. Wonder where your friend got it from?


keithcancook 60M
17718 posts
3/10/2006 8:01 am

Your parents raised you well.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .^ . . ^
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .(
@ )
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .pigcancook


rm_kelli4u2dew 41F
5220 posts
3/10/2006 9:08 am

Keith - yes, they did. Any faults in me can not be attributed to them. I'm one of those very lucky people who had wonderful parents. Although I'm not going to show them this blog (I did email this "contract" to my mom), I will thank you for them.


rm_tinaira 40M
1 post
3/10/2006 9:35 am

you are so beatiful, so how can I have contact with you, or your personal e-mail address?


ScarlettWebb 45F

3/10/2006 3:07 pm

Kelli -
After reading the above contract you posted, I now realize why I have never made the plunge to get married LOL

I think most men I have dated would want me to fit in most of the above categories.

If I could find a man that I am attracted to and is willing to sign the following contract, maybe I will finally take the plunge into married life.

Hmmm... and men always ask me why I am still single....LOL

Here is MY version. If you are a man that can agree to all of the following, then please sign and fax back to me ASAP along with your photo.



==================================================
Marraige Contract for Husband

I, the undersigned, a male accepting a marriage proposal from ScarlettWebb, agree that...

Section 1. If I am drunk and unable to "get it up", I will not ask you to give me a blowjob to try and recussitate my limp dick, instead I will politely excuse myself from our marital bedroom and sleep on the couch so that my drunk snoring does not affect the qualty of your sleep.

Section 1.01 And in the morning I will bring you breakfast in bed and wake you up with a gentle kiss on the cheek asking for your forgiveness.

Section 1.02 I will then ask you if there is anything I can do to please you to make up for my inadequacies from the evening before.

Section 1.03 I will be available to give you sex any time of the day or night, whenever you want it, even if this means that I need to come home from the office to take care of your sexual needs.

Section 2. I fully understand that a man's main role in any relationship is to take the blame for everything, and I also understand that I should always agree with you because the woman is always right. I also know that the woman always gets the last word in any argument

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a guys night out, I will tell them that I am the luckiest man alive for having the most wonderful woman in my life.

Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your that you do everything in the bedroom that their wives won't and that I love you more than life itself.

Section 3.02 I will be nice to all of your girlfriends and do everything in my power to make them jealous of you for having the greatest husband any woman could dream of. I will dote on you, kiss you, hug you and flirt with you in front of them so that they can see how much I love you.

Section 4. I understand that my main priority as your husband will be to give you pleasure whenever you want it. I will always make sure you have at least 10 orgasms before we have intercourse.

Section 4.01 I will never just attempt to "stick my dick in you" without foreplay, unless of course you ask me to.

Section 5. In bed, I will be open to doing anything sexual that you ask me to even if that means that I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive male friends and let them know that you have a fantasy of being with me and at least one other man. I will inform you if any of them have the slightest desire to help with your fantasy and I will set this up as often as you wish. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you with lots of muscles.

Section 5.03 I promise to never bring up the subject of your weight and that I will love you no matter how much weight you may gain. I will never ask you to go on a diet, workout or lose weight just to make me happy but I will be supportive and help you only if you ever ask for my help in this area.

Section 5.04 I promise never to ask you to set up a threesome for us with one of your girlfriends because I know if you ever want to do this, that you will surprise me with it because I have been a good boy.

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if women attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other women".

Section 7. I understand that it is my job to fix anything that is broken. This may include but is not limited to cars, household appliances and your sex toys. I will honestly inform you if fixing something is beyond my capability and will hire a professional to do the job.

Section 8. I will always be a complete gentleman with you and will never stop romancing you, taking you out for dates, holding your hand, leaving love notes for you, calling you in the middle of the day to tell you I am thinking of you and your opening the car door for you. And on the subject of cars, if I am ever lost and you are in the car with me, I will admit I am lost and stop for directions instead of driving around aimlessly.

Section 9. I will always put the toilet seat down so that you don't accidentally fall into the toilet in the middle of the night.

Section 10. If we are ever blessed with children, I agree to have sex with you while you are pregnant and continue to tell you how beautiful you are. I will be in the delivery room holding your hand and will agree with you when you scream at me that it's my fault for getting you pregnant. I will also not lose sexual desire for you after childbirth.

Section 10.1. If the baby wakes up in the middle of the night, I will get up and feed/change it quickly without waking you up.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (male)


ScarlettWebb 45F

3/10/2006 10:02 pm

TtigerAtty - It does seem odd that your earlier post about this subject supported a one sided contract as long as it was in favor of the man... but a one sided contract in favor of the woman seems to cause issues for you...LOL

Should I even ask how many times you have ben divorced?



Yes, I agree that a marriage should be built on love... but we can still wish for all those other things, can't we?


rm_kelli4u2dew 41F
5220 posts
3/12/2006 5:42 pm

Scarlett, may I use this as my profile?


ScarlettWebb 45F

3/12/2006 7:03 pm

yes of course you c`an Kelli, although we may need an attorney to look it over and fine tune it to make sure it is iron clad


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