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a bunch of etc.........
a bunch of etc.........
Friday night is my birthday party.........and I can't wait! A good friend at work is getting me a cake, and she let me pick out exactly what I wanted. It's going to be chocolate (of course), have a big Stones tonuge on it, and say Happy Birthday Bitch!!! hehehe.....
The rest is stuff from the inbox today....
Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it , then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
"Winnie the SHIT".
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of
a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with
her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into
the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her.
So here's where I need your advice. Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?
Worried About My Reputation
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."