|Blogs > rm_jomochalover > Reflections!|
This will come as a complete surprise to so many people in my life, because me and my father didn't care much for each other. He always thought I was too "cit-dity" since I always wanted the finer things in life and aimed in that direction even when it seemed I had no basis. It certainly didn't help when I came out at twelve. Meanwhile, he was an abusive, womanizing alcoholic who didn't seem to mind allowing his children to see his less than stellar moments.
As I type this, I'm not sure I am as passed this as I thought I was. I'm finding myself trying to be diplomatic where he is concerned. I really don't want to bash the man, nor do I want to recall the seemingly countless unpleasant memories of the man the referred to as "Sir" for so many years. For years, I called "the sperm donor to this experiment," anything not to give him the title he felt he deserved. I have to say this and I apologize if it sounds vulgar or offensive, but it takes a whole lot more than fucking to be a parent!
In fairness, for a while, he tried. Occasionally he would drag us out of bed at midnight to go bowling. Then there were those God awful fishing trips. He even attempted to teach me how to drive. I smiled at that one. But these moments could hardly compare to the other moments, when we just tried to put up with him.
And I can admit there are things about me that have a direct tie to him. To this day, I will not spank a child, I don't care how disobedient he or she becomes. Thank God I'm gay and it would take a lot of work I'm not willing to do to have one. But I've helped raise several and would mind doing it again under the right circumstances. He was a professional gambler for a while and I have become an avid gambler myself.
And for all the yard work I did as a child, I will hardly ever touch a lawn mower these days. And Lord, the beans! I can't even eat jelly beans anymore! It was beans all the time at his house.
I still don't know where I sit with this man. I like to think I have forgiven the man but will never forget. I like to think I don't care one way or the other where he is concerned. What I can say is that doing this blog and revisiting this situation has left me feeling confused. But I wanted to write a few about the man for the holiday. Until next time, take care and God Bless!