take another look; the latest of what have become a counless number of times  

rm_jdhoeye 65M
1 posts
10/15/2005 8:24 pm

Last Read:
11/12/2006 6:58 am

take another look; the latest of what have become a counless number of times

i've been taking another route than the one i've always taken before when she left me before. this time i said nothing, made no objection, didn't even ask why; in the past not one of those questions had ever been answered, no objection made any difference, no words i had ever before said had changed the corse of events one bit; she'd just kept on doing whatever she was about, and left me alone in what once was our space. left me feeling quite empty, inadequate, acussed of crimes great and small. feeling guilty and lonely; i'd lost her, who i thought, i believe, was my very best friend.

i love her, at least i think i do. why else would the world be not the same without my Babe, Ben.
why do i cry when ever she's gone? and why do I always forgive and forget? why do i live for the day she will send me some word? what is this feeling if it isn't love?

i tried every time we got together again, to tell her i love her, am proud of her deeds. appreciate all that she does; be work for money to pay for our home, or bring home treasure she finds here and there. I tried to let her know I value her so. but somehow it has never seemed to end up being enough.

what am i doing so bad and so wrong. i work when i can get amy knid of a job. there were times she supported me while i was out of a job; but there were times when i worked while she could find none for herself. i don't see that's other than what should happen, is correct, that it's right.

but now it's happenend agian, as before, she packed up her stuff and moved away from our home, house and me. saying so many different things about why; to find and hold a job she'd applied; other times cause i'm an ass of some kind. then it was i dont appreciate her or anything she does. then claimed i told her what she she did was never good enough.

and so on and so forth it goes every time she does it the same, plays her game, laying guilt on me making grotesque claims i some ogre some animal trash who to women gives no respect.

then changes her tune so that it says, i never listen, never heard what she said.

so weird to remember and compare in my head, how things seemed to have been to me, then compare that with the things she now and then says is the truth. It's a way different picture the way i remember our lives together was like in between times than the one she says is how it really was between us.

I wonder, which is the truth.

Other times she's left in the past, I did what one might mistake as stalking her, if one observed me and knew nothing of me, what i was feeling, wanted or anything other than just saw me observe from some distance but not far. I wanted to know what she was doing, where she went who she saw, a stalker is looking not for facts but for thrill, to me it was business after i'd blundered into the fact she had lied to me flat out; that where and what she told me was a cold bald faced lie.

after that i followed, covert watching her come and go, to and from; and found out the truth about what she really had gone to, and done.

it's happened many times over, she's left and she's lied, told me she had no one no sex no friendship to hide; and not once have i found the facts to be other, she's got some guy she's screwing like rabbits every day, every night. not one time did i find her alone, living by her self. and not once has she ever told the truth.

So this time it's different i havent gone stalking, or even followed along, never gone to the place where she lives unanounced or in secret not once, at least not yet.

but not long ago i called and some man answered the phone. he told me things that he could only have knon about me if she'd told him; he admitted she had; then he told me things that only her lover could know; about her that even she cannot see. so i've come to know what i have not tried to learn; that she's lied to me as always. not been honest, told the truth; and that's what tears me up, really hurts; breaks my heart, makes me cry night after night. because she denies it tells me that it's bull, not fact.

now how'd i know that's what i'd find if i had gone and observed from nearby where shes at?

i guess because, that's how she is. if only she could be honest, tell the truth; that she's tired of having sex with me. that she wants some strange cock to suck, and ride. something different, not the same, some variety in her life; to make things thrilling and new.

makes sense to me. what doesn't make sense is that she seems to want to lie. i can't imagine wanting to lie. nor can i still think she lies because she thinks i'll blow up, get mad, beat her up in a rage when she tells me she's got some guy in her bed. that's not going to happen. not a chance. not possible; it's just plain not what i do when i learn the truth.

I don't understand, cannot fathom a why to explain this to me. it makes not one bit of any kind of sense; absolutely, completely escapes my ability to understand. why does she lie when there is no reason for her to?

It makes no sense. There must be a reason hidden somewhere inside her; but what it might be is beyond me. I cannot say.

I'm sure I'm no angle in any sense of the word. I'm not perfect, in fact I'm sure I'm an exemplarary jerk. an ass a dick head, stupid and crude. corse and vulgar, uncivilized too; not to mention lewd, crude, rude and completely socially unacceptable at least part of the time. Perfect? me? that i never have claimed; but this one accused me of thinking myself just, exactly, precisely, one hundred percent, of thinking I am.

am i so deeply, hoplessly, completly in love with my babe, ben; that i'm blind to the facts? I suppose, since i love her, believe, think that i do. It may be i'm blind cannot see or admit what's apparently true; is it possible she hates me, always has?

anything's possible. even love being blind.

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