|Blogs > rm_jacexprime2 > It's like a bag of Skittles!|
What a week(end)!
What a week(end)!
This is probably going to be a long one...
The girl I mentioned in the last post....Cassie
She's smart, she's sarcastic like I am, has my twisted sense of humor, likes Anime, likes Type O Negative, likes computer gaming, along with a small list of other shared interests. She's nice, sweet, and comforting in that...physically comforting sort of way. And I don't mean sexually, either. She's a genuinely nice girl, and I like her.
Here's where the shit-shower comes....
She's currently married, and lives inTexas although her family is here in town. YES, married. I wasn't expecting what happened Friday night to happen, but it did, and there's no real taking that back, so there's nothing I can do about it. Her marriage is rather one-sided, according to her, and lacking even the most basic forms of love, romance, and intimacy. Which is probably why she's really digging ME right now, even while married, which raises other issues I'll address later.* She just went back home from her little vacation this morning. She says she's planning on getting a divorce, just for the sake of getting the hell away from her husband which, if she's been truthful, deserves it. She also has two children, one of which is 10 months old (cute, and likes Drew) and one of which is 6 years old whom she hasn't had custody of since she had her, due to her youth and inability to take care of her. Her aunt and uncle have her, which has caused Cassie a lot of heartache and pain, but she is unable to do anything about at the present. According to her, she doesn't even know Cassie is her mother. So there's that...two kids. Eh....
She chatted with me a night or so ago about Friday night, in which I had to basically tell her that I'm not making promises and I am NOT ready for something serious right now. Here's the conversation, clipped for length. That is NOT her online handle, FYI. I changed it, of course.
cassi: so could i really come stay with you?
jacexprime: How do you mean?
cassi: like after divorce
jacexprime: *sigh* Ok, this is the part where I am probably going to sound like an asshole, and I really don't want you to take it wrong.
Right now, I am honestly not ready to jump from this horribly failed 2 year nightmare that I had to endure into another joint living arrangement. I'm not trying to be an asshole, or hurt your feelings or anything, but there's so much going WRONG with my life right now that I can't bring someone else down with me like that.
jacexprime: I like you a hell of a lot sweetheart, don't get me wrong, but I'm at the point where I want things to develop naturally than rush and force the issue. That's what got me where I am NOW. And as awesome as I may think you are, things being the way they are, I'd have to say no, right now. Please don't be upset at me for that, but I've got to consider me, my son, my situation, and a whole lot of other shit before I bring someone into my HOME right now.
PLEASE, don't be upset by that.......
jacexprime: I need to fix a lot of things.
cassi: I completely understand...why would you think i would be upset? I like you a hell of alot too...rushing is bad...and i really hope SOMETHING develops...
jacexprime: Me too baby. I just don't want you to think I am pushing you away. It's not that. It's that I can't make ANY promises right now. I don't have the means, or the ability.
jacexprime: I've fucked up a LOT in my life, and I've got some mistakes that I am still paying for, or have yet to been punished for......and the last thing I am going to do is to get another woman tangled up in MY mistakes.
cassi: see...i knew you cared about me
jacexprime: I do care about you, and I think you're sweet, and I do like you a lot........
It's just, right now, I have so much more to consider than I did before....
cassi: and so do i
jacexprime: I just hope I haven't sent some mixed signals.
cassi: they arent mixed
cassi: i know what you want
jacexprime: and what would that be?
I don't think ANYONE knows me well enough to know how my head really works.
cassi: can i give it a shot?
jacexprime: Ok, tell me what I want.
cassi: from what i gathered....you're not ready for a serious commitment...however, you want someone that can understand and respect your situation. You need someone that will listen to you and understand where you're coming from. Yes, it would be nice to have someone in your life, but you want to make sure she's the right person before you try to start some sort of relationship...and you want me
cassi: am i close??
cassi: dont think too hard...i hear it hurts
cassi: and i dont want you to think that I'M rushing things...because im not...im not even divorced yet...plus we both have kids to think about...i have to get to know you a whole lot more before i put another man in her life...not to mention that i have a lot of things i need to do for myself before i get into something extreamly serious again...i cant risk getting hurt again...or hurting my child...i dont want her to get attached and then have someone ripped out of her life...its too painful.
cassi: my heart has been shattered too many times...and im really fucking tired of picking up the god damn pieces
jacexprime: Yes, I am not ready for a serious commitment, which is partly why the whole divorce and moving here thing makes me very...nervous. I don't want you to do any of that because of me, because if things don't work out, that will hang over my head and I don't handle guilt well. Yes, I am looking for someone who can understand me, and listen, and that I feel would complete me.
jacexprime: Yes, I always wish I had someone in my life, and that's a big factor in why I am where I am today, and that's a mistake that I am not going to repeat again soon. And yes, I do like you a great deal, but I can't say that you and I are the "end-all-be-all" for eachother. I mean, it could turn out that you and I end up together, or it could turn out that we don't, but remain very close. I have no idea how it's going to play out. I just want you to understand that I don't want you to get hopes up, and have me hurt you.
jacexprime: I really REALLY don't want to hurt you. At the same time, I want us both to be happy.
cassi: trust me hon, i wont LET you hurt me
cassi: you may not have noticed it last night...but i do have a wall up
cassi: i know you do
jacexprime: I call bullshit. I think we'd both be able to let it happen, and we'd both be worse off for it afterwards.
jacexprime: Perhaps I didn't notice it.....I dunno....
jacexprime: The one thing that I learned to hate more than anything in this world is FALSE HOPE, which is why I go to great lengths not to create it.
cassi: yeh...false hope...cant tell you how many times ive been on that road
jacexprime: And, I felt guilty, because I felt like last night I may have given you that.
cassi: not really
cassi: yes i HOPE something wonderful comes out of this....but at the same time im not going to kill myself if it doesnt happen
jacexprime: I totaly enjoyed what happened, but at the time, I wasn't really thinking about what it would do to you, or me, as far as our heads go.
cassi: you cant stop what happens naturally
jacexprime: I don't figure you would.
jacexprime: YEAH......sex and being close, I think, is something we both NEED. I know I need it.I just rarely consider consequences untill after the fact.
cassi: as long as you are fine with the whole "dating" thing...i dont think we'll really have a problem...and look on the bright side...at least you have a kick ass friend that can pretty much read your mind
jacexprime: See, you kinda have to understand me to understand why I act the way I do. I've never broken up with someone except ONCE (me doing the breaking), and you can't BELIEVE how bad I felt doing that, despite the fact that I've had girls leave me before, and make me feel like shit. Hell, I wanted to break up with Sarah so many damn times, I should have done it after the first signs that we weren't exactly right for each other...
jacexprime: I'm sorry. I think I'm blathering. I feel like I owe you some explanation, even if we haven't known eachother very long at all.....
cassi: why do you feel like that?
cassi: you dont owe me shit
jacexprime: WELL....*shrug*....I do. Maybe it's because of last night, maybe it's because I think you're a nice person, and I don't want to ruin anyone else. I don't do the whole "having sex with whoever, whenever" thing. I've only ever had sex with women who were, or were about to become, a serious girlfriend. There's been one exception to that, and I felt bad about THAT too.....
jacexprime: I guess perhaps I take sex too seriously, I dunno.
cassi: you take it about as seriously as i do
jacexprime: I've never been a "fuck buddy" kind of person.
cassi: me either
cassi: you know, last night may have helped me in a way....you made me feel like i was beautiful...and "wanted"
cassi: its been a REALLY long time since i've felt that way
jacexprime: I can understand that, considering your marriage, and I actually thought about that today.
cassi: well..at least we can communicate
cassi: thats a good thing
jacexprime: Well yeah, we do that pretty well. lol
jacexprime: at least we don't have a hard time being expressive
cassi: thats a good thing
jacexprime: I'm a person who has a train of thought running on 10 different tracks all at the same time about a given thing. I sometimes tend to overthink some things, and seriously UNDERTHINK a lot of others.
jacexprime: and I am never sure WHICH is the case in any given moment
jacexprime: and having someone else tell me which the case is, doesn't help.
cassi: when it comes to stuff like that...its your head and thought process...you have to figure it out on your own
jacexprime: yes, exactly
cassi: look...the only thing i can tell you is that life's a bitch...and your the male dog sniffing her ass
cassi: it really doesnt smell like roses
jacexprime: No.....I'm not the ass sniffer. I refuse to be, despite evidence to the contrary.
jacexprime: Like I said before. My head is a scarry place to be.
jacexprime: Or, confusing.
cassi: and see...you're scared...and you have every right to be...because your heart thinks "wow...she's awesome...i could see myself with her...blah blah blah the list goes on" but your head is going "dude, you cant do this to yourself again, dont set yourself up for disaster"
cassi: when it comes to love you're a feeler...not a thinker
cassi: damn i should write horoscopes
jacexprime: Yes, that's true, very true, and like every other time I've ever thought "wow....she's awesome..." I've ended up where I am now.
cassi: me too
jacexprime: If you had ever thought THAT, you'd be a lezbian. *lol*
jacexprime: wow, I spelled lesbian wrong. How awesome is that....
cassi: pretty fuckin awesome
jacexprime: goddamn fingers
cassi: ok im gonna sell myself to you now...
jacexprime: please dont...
jacexprime: Don't try to make me feel guilty
cassi: i dont want you to feel guilty
cassi: i just want you to know who i am...and where im coming from
cassi: you KNOW im a unique individual
cassi: eh forget it...i'll let you figure me out on your own...it'll give you something to do
jacexprime: that's a good idea.
jacexprime: I'm just SO not wanting to hurt you, when I am at a point where DOING SO would be incredibly easy.
jacexprime: even inadvertantly
I just always want there be a total understanding between me and another person, and to do so, involves a lot of me doing this. Thinking.
jacexprime: or at least, trying
cassi: I look at it this way...if by some chance fate wants us to be together, then thats the way its going to be, and if not...oh fucking well...i have a friend out of the deal...so its good either way...im probably going to be a better person for knowing you
cassi: you totally brought out a side of me i havent seen in years
jacexprime: I think that's the best thing I've heard come out of a woman's mouth in years.
At least we have an understanding. One of the things that would make this not work, is distance, for the moment. I'm not even going to try to maintain a long distance relationship. Her marriage, is another concern...
* See, I now have a sort of moral dilemma. I've always said I wouldn't be a home wrecker, and in a way, I'm still NOT. I don't like the idea of fooling around with married women, because of what it says about either of us. See, I view cheating in a very black & white way. Don't do it, it's wrong. If you want to have sex with someone, break up or get a divorce first. I've never cheated on anyone, and I never will. The problem with Friday night, is that, it shouldn't have happened. It's nice, it's a wonderful feeling, but it WAS wrong. There's no way to justify cheating, and I helped her do it. This brings me to a dillema. The way I see it, if she's willing to cheat on her husband whom she's been married to for years, what would stop her from doing it to me when she gets unhappy if we are together? I think about these kinds of things. Yes, everyone makes mistakes. Cheating is one I can't excuse, though. What kills me, is most men are more than willing to accept the woman that cheats on her husband, as long as HE is the one she is cheating with. Why is it that it's ok when it happens to another person, but not us? I don't agree with that. I feel like shit because of the fact that she cheated on her husband with ME, no matter HOW BAD the marriage is. I shouldn't have done it, I shouldn't have let it get CLOSE to happening, but I did, because I wasn't thinking at the time. This is why we had that little conversation, even though I didn't address that particular topic. Well, it's another reason. She did come over and hang out with me the last few days, with her daughter, and I tried to keep it friendly, but aloof. Ehhh, maybe that's the wrong word for it. I'm not sure which word I want, but I think you get the idea. I wasn't about to start another heavy petting or making out session after that. So, the issue I have now, is....should I still have any respect for her as a potential future partner based on what she/we did? Honestly, as much as I like her, I'm really inclined to say NO for right now.
Goddamnit. I should have maintained control of the evening, of the situation, but I let it go, and now I'm stuck. I shouldn't be willing to say one thing, and yet make her or I the exception to that rule. It would speak badly about me more so than it would about her. So, that's the dilemma.
I think this girl is pretty damn cool and all, but there's a lot that's making me apprehensive about the whole situation. In a way, I'm almost relieved she's going to be out of state for a good while.
I don't know what's going to come of any of this, but like I have always said before, I'll ride it out and try to make the best of it.
10/13/2005 5:47 am
Hello, I understand your dilemma, but what I can't see about Cassie is that she is so broken over her husband, yet she has a second baby by him, who is now 10-months old, her second child. Something is not quite right. Maybe she is just angry at her husband. Did she just discover him cheating, and is now using you for revenge? She sounds like she has rehearsed her story pretty well too, and maybe you aren't the first or her only boyfriend. I agree with you that you should be very careful.|
10/14/2005 7:22 am
Yeah, I've considered that as well. Caution is always a good idea when it comes to married women. Or any women, for that matter.|